


How Did We End Up Here? - A Phanfiction

by mollieblack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, BDSM, Complete, Confusion, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Parents, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Light BDSM, Loss, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Parent-Child Relationship, Phanfiction, Reality, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:36:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 63,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10918227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollieblack/pseuds/mollieblack
Summary: Dan agrees to donate sperm to a lesbian couple who are friends of his. Things go wrong, and the baby ends up without a home, and Dan and Phil are left to figure out what to do with the child, and how this could affect their relationship.Excerpt:"He turned to Dan, and pulled him in until their bodies were flush and Phil's arms were wrapped around his friend, Dan's hands against Phil's chest. Phil settled his chin onto Dan's hair, and then on a whim tilted his head down to give Dan a kiss on the top of his head. Their legs intertwined, and Phil felt all the stress rush out of him."***Not posting individual warnings, as I don't want to give things away for chapters before you read them. But just know that most all warnings may/will apply to this story.***





	1. Chapter 1

Today was the day of the shower. Phil rose from bed, turning his alarm off. He slowly made his way to his dresser and began lazily putting together an outfit. He pulled on some nice black slacks, and a light blue button up. He looked at himself in the mirror as he adjusted his hair, beginning to worry about the day to come. Yes, Alice and Michelle had been he and his flatmate Dan's friends for a long time, but things had changed in the past nine months.

Phil remembered when the couple came to their apartment, flushed red with excitement, but also with a bit of hesitation and worry. They had sat down over lunch, and explained how the two women had decided the day prior that they were ready to start a family. Dan and Phil had reacted enthusiastically, congratulating them, until they noticed that the women seemed nervous and weren't partaking in the excitement. When Phil asked them what was wrong, Michelle went on to explain that they wanted to find a donor amongst their friends. They didn't want some stranger's child, they wanted to know who the genes were coming from. After a long silence they got up and apologized, saying they were sorry they asked, and started to leave, but to Phil's surprise Dan stopped them. 

Dan told them that he had to give it a few days to think on it, but he was willing to consider it, and by the next morning he had agreed to donate. Phil hadn't understood at first, until Dan reminded him. The two men were very close with Alice and Michelle. It wasn't known by their YouTube fans, as per the request of the girls who had no interest in internet fame, but they had been close friends for a very long time. They had known Alice since November 2011, and met Michelle when Alice and her had started dating in late 2014. Dan began to explain his reasoning behind considering the girls' request, taking Phil back to near the beginning of their friendship with Alice, and reminded Phil of a day he had worked so hard to forget.

Phil was reminded about that dreadful night in early 2012. Dan had just dropped out of University, and was spiraling. No matter what Phil tried, he just couldn't find a way to help his friend. He tried to help and got pushed away, he tried to give Dan space, and was yelled at for abandoning his friend in such a hard time in his life. Phil was lost, and he did his best, but it wasn't enough. Once Phil was reminded of that day, it was if he was there again. He vividly remembered getting that call.

The woman on the other side of the phone was so calm as she gave Phil the news, and all he could think was to hate her. How _dare_  she be so calm about this? How _dare_ she act as if this didn't matter? Phil remembered getting to the hospital, sitting in the waiting room all night, not able to fall asleep, but not able to see his friend, as he wasn't 'direct family'. Fuck that. Dan was Phil's family, and to be told otherwise sent him into a rage. At 4:27 AM (yes, he remembered the exact time, he could never forget anything about that night), Phil felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to hear a raspy, "Phil? Is that you?"

Turning, he saw the face of his friend, Alice. Her eyes seemed just as bloodshot and heavy as his, and she just leaned down to pull him into a hug. "I gave them your number and told them to call, I'm glad they did."

"Alice..." his voice came out crackly, but he didn't care. "What happened? All they told me was there was an overdose and someone found him and..." his voice cut out then, and he didn't even attempt to finish the sentence, hanging his head as tears streamed down his cheeks. 

"He... I. I stopped by the flat last night to pick up my water bottle that I left the other day. I guess you were at a friend's, I don't know... but no one answered, so I used the spare key you guys lent me for plant-sitting a while back when you were out of town, and let myself in. I was just going to stop in, grab it and go, I knew Dan had said it'd be right inside the door, but when I turned to leave I heard choking. I followed the sound, and got to his room right as..." She looked at Phil, tears of her own falling freely, and checked with him silently to see if he was really up for hearing this. Phil nodded slightly. He had to know. "He was coughing and choking and... he looked a mess. I think he was drunk, there were a few bottles around the room. I saw the pills open, and called 999 right away, and sat with him as he lost consciousness. When they came, they let me in the ambulance, but I wasn't allowed in the room. I've just been pacing the halls since then, I couldn't sit still." Phil nodded once again, choking slightly as a whimper involuntarily left his throat.

"Thank you..." he croaked. "For calling." Alice nodded, and pulled Phi into a hug. He leaned into it, allowing her to stroke his hair. Allowing himself to be comforted as a sick child might be comforted by his mother, as she allowed him to soak her shirt with his tears, and didn't even pull away as his nose began to run, also making its mark on her blouse. They sat together in silence for the rest of the night and into the morning. Neither slept, and the only words that were muttered were small sentences informing the other that they were going to the bathroom and would be back soon.

Phil remembered the way he felt that night, and the subsequent day and night. He knew he could never forget that feeling. They were the worst two days of his life, and he knew hee could never feel more awful than he did those days. He didn't sleep, he didn't eat, he barely drank any water. The knowledge that he may never see Dan's eyes open again. That he may never see his smile, never see his dimples form as he laughed at a joke Phil had made solely for the chance to see that smile. Phil even began to miss Dan being angry with him. Dan knew how to push Phil's buttons, but he also knew how to put Phil in his place when he needed it, and snap him back into reality. Phil had come to rely on Dan so much in the short years between 2009 and 2012, and during those two days, Phil honestly couldn't imagine a life without his best friend. 

Of course, Dan had recovered. They had kept it silent, not releasing anything to their internet community, as per Dan's request. The next year or so was awkward, Dan having a hard time dealing with the fact that he had let himself get to that point, and not knowing how to talk to other people about it. Phil didn't care, he was just glad his friend was alive, even if his temper was short and he was a bit more distant than he had been.

Of course Dan was considering Alice and Michelle's request now. If it weren't for Alice, he wouldn't be here, and Phil knew Dan had always felt like he was in her debt. He had done countless favors for her since then, and gone out of his way to get her meaningful gifts for her birthday and Christmas. He definitely treated her better than any of his other friends, save Phil of course. Phil knew, however, that Dan would never be able to feel out of Alice's debt. How could he, when what she gave him was his life? There's no way to repay that. 

When Dan reminded Phil of that day, Phil got quiet. He didn't like to talk about that time. He didn't like to think about it. But then he thought of Alice and Michelle, and how nice it would be to do something that would mean so much to them. He truly loved the girls. Michelle was fun. She was spunky and didn't ever censor her thoughts. You never had to worry about what Michelle thought of you, because you knew she'd tell you it straight. She intimidated Phil a bit, but he appreciated her honesty, and spending time with Michelle always resulted in a good story and fun memories. 

Alice was a literal angel. She was honestly the nicest person Phil had ever met. He had laughed a few times when his fans had called him 'pure' or 'a ray of sunshine', because that is exactly how anyone who met Alice would describe her, and Phil knew he could never come near embodying the light and joy she brought to anyone around her.

Dan talked to Phil a lot that night, trying to decide if he was going to do this massive favor for his friends or not, but Phil knew straight away that Dan would do it. It's just who Dan was, and it was just the nature of Dan and Alice's friendship. She rarely asked for anything, so they knew this must be hugely important to the girls, and Phil knew Dan wasn't about to turn Alice down the _one_ time she actually asked him for something.

The next day Dan told the girls that he would do it, and he went through the process of donating his sperm. Phil thought it was ridiculous how much paperwork was involved, but Dan didn't seem to mind. He was very clear with the girls, however, that he did not want the internet to know. Michelle simply laughed at him, reminding him,

"Dan, you're not our baby's daddy, let's be clear about that, okay? You jerked off into a cup, and that's it. We love you, but you're just going to be our friend to our kid, we might not even tell them you're their dad. We're clear on that, right?" Dan had nodded, agreeing. Phil knew Dan wanted kids eventually, but he also was fairly certain that Dan had absolutely no interest in being a father currently. Dan seemed relieved at the fact that he'd have no obligations and there'd be no expectations of him after the donation process, and everything went smoothly after that. 

Alice did offer to tell him the gender of the baby when they found out a few months in. They weren't telling anyone else, but she said that because of his unique situation she wanted to offer. He had denied it, saying that he didn't want any special privileges, as he wouldn't be taking on any special role in this chid's life. Alice had smiled, understanding, and never spoke of it again. They still didn't know the gender of the baby, as Michelle and Alice had decided to surprise people with it at the shower. Of course, a few of their friends had gotten mad, saying they wouldn't know what types of things to buy for the baby shower, but Michelle put them in their place saying that it didn't matter the gender, they weren't going to force gender roles on their baby by surrounding it with pink or blue. Phil laughed at this, admiring of his friend's outlook on life. 

And now they were headed to the shower. For their friends' baby. For Dan's baby... technically. Everyone kept saying it wasn't weird, but getting ready to go to this shower, Phil felt a little weird, and he knew Dan did as well. No one knew about Dan's involvement outside of the four of them, but Dan knew, and Phil could see it was affecting him as Dan paced the apartment, muttering to himself, trying to decide whether he should wear a white or light grey shirt. Phil looked at the two shirts, and saw that there was basically no difference. They were the exact same cut, exact same brand Phil was fairly sure even, and the grey was so light it could be classified as 'off white'. 

Phil walked up to his friend, placing his hand on the younger boy's shoulder and turning him towards Phil, raising his eyebrows into an expression that said, "are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to go." Dan took a deep breath and leaned a bit into Phil's hand, allowing himself to be comforted and calmed by his friend. 

"I think you should go with the white one." Phil announced, and Dan smiled gratefully. They got ready, and made their way down to the street where they hailed a cab. Slipping into the backseat of the cab, Phil turned to Dan. "So, are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." Dan sighed, without thinking about the reply, and then caught himself. "No. I'm ready, there's no reason for me not to be." Phil smiled sympathetically at his friend, knowing Dan was having a hard time keeping all this separate. For the most part he did well, but it was hard not to think about it on a day like today. "I think they'll like the onesies." Dan continued, patting the neatly wrapped present in his lap. Phil was glad Dan had wrapped it, if he had it would have looked a mess and probably already fallen apart with how much Dan was nervously bouncing it on his leg. 

Their cab made its way through London, and they got out, paying the driver and tipping generously. Here they were, in front of the apartment. Phil looked over at Dan one last time, smiling slightly to comfort, and Dan looked back, a very slight sheen of sweat on his forehead.

"Hey, we're a bit early, you want to walk around the block first? Get some energy out?" Phil asked. Dan shook his head quickly, and rushed to knock on the door like if he didn't do it now, he never would. 

The door swung open to reveal Michelle, eight months pregnant, a towel wrapped around her head, and a toothbrush in her mouth. 

"Hey guysh!" She mumbled through the toothpaste in her mouth. "You're early I'm shorry I was jusht finishing getting ready!" She waved for them to come in, and waddled towards the bathroom to spit, transferring her weight largely from side to side, as a result of her protruding belly. She looked as if she were about to burst, and Phil raised his eyebrows. He realized she was a little over eight and a half months in... it just hadn't entirely sunk in that there would be an actual living breathing baby soon. Dan and Phil made their way into the apartment, closing the door behind them. Dan placed their present on the kitchen counter, and Phil took a seat on the sofa as Dan paced.

"Come on, Dan, you're going to wear a hole in the floor." Phil said after a few minutes of Dan's nervous pacing. The younger boy came to sit next to him, but his leg bounced up and down so fast it reminded Phil of a jackhammer. A few moments later, Michelle emerged from the bathroom, hair down and dried and mouth free of toothpaste.

"Thank you guys so much for coming!" She smiled, though Phil could sense a hair of the awkwardness that both he and Dan were both feeling. Any other day it was easily ignored, but today it couldn't be. 

"Where's Alice?" asked Phil, trying to think of something to fill the increasing silence in the room.

"Oh, she just had to run to the store really quick, I drank the juice that was apparently for the party today, so she went out to get a replacement." Phil nodded. The next ten minutes were filled with awkward small chat here and there, but more often with uncomfortable silence, broken only by the sound of Dan's foot tapping against the hard wood floor. 

After those ten minutes passed, there was a knock on the door, and Phil could physically feel the relief flood through the room at the idea of someone else arriving. People trickled in for the next thirty minutes, until the house was full. Phil didn't really know anyone here aside from Michelle and Dan, however, as he and his roommate hadn't made much of an effort to meet the girls' other friends. Granted, Alice and Michelle had never expressed interest in meeting any of Dan and Phil's YouTube friends, so Phil supposed he didn't have to feel guilty for not being more involved in the rest of the couple's lives.

Phil watched as people arrived over time, and then shot a glance at the clock just as the last few were making their way through the door. It had been about forty minutes now, the shower had officially been set to start ten minutes ago. There was a store just nine blocks down from here, and Alice should be back by now, shouldn't she? She wasn't the type to host an event and then show up late, and Phil looked over to Dan to see his friend with the same slightly confused and almost concerned look on his face that Phil was feeling spread across his own. 

Another fifteen minutes passed, before Michelle started to show signs of distress. She had made her rounds greeting guests, but now Phil saw that she had separated herself from everyone, and was sitting in a chair tucked into the corner of the room, furiously typing into her phone. Michelle was never one to be able to hide her emotions, and Phil could see all the stress and confusion and worry painted across the pregnant woman's face, clear as day. After ten more minutes, Phil approached Michelle, asking if everything was alright.

"She's not answering me. I don't know... maybe her phone's dead." Michelle's mind was whirring, and Phil wanted to help her to calm down. 

"Hey, do you want Dan and I to go look for her while you stay here with the guests? We'll text you if we run into her, I'm sure there were just long lines and her phone died." Phil attempted to reassure, though he didn't quite believe himself. Something felt off, he had that pit feeling in his stomach that he had gotten moments before receiving that call from the hospital back in 2012. That feeling that something was wrong. It was early on a Wednesday, surely the lines couldn't be that long at the grocery store? 

Michelle nodded gratefully, and Phil made his way back to Dan.

"Hey, we're being sent out to see if we can find Alice. We can walk over to the store and just do a sweep to figure out what's holding her up so that we can help ease Michelle's mind." Dan nodded, but his eyes seemed distant.

They exited the house, and began walking in the direction of the store. They were silent, and something felt off in the air around them. Once they were five blocks away, Phil began to hear the sirens, and that's when his heart leaped into his throat, and without a word he and Dan began running.


	2. Chapter Two

Phil's head was spinning. This couldn't be happening. He rounded the corner, Dan on his heels, and stopped dead in his tracks. Dan almost crashed into him as he took in the scene. Several police cars were scattered around the street, along with a firetruck and an ambulance. All of these were surrounding a truck that was on its side and a small sedan that was almost definitely totalled, the hood completely crushed in and the windshield broken. People were gathered around the scene, watching. They were only half a block from the grocery store. Dan pushed past Phil who had stopped, making his way into the fray.

"No, Dan, you can't just..." Phil tried to stop him.

"It's Alice." Dan turned his head briefly to snap, his eyes dark. He turned back around, and continued pressing into the scene, until he was inevitably stopped by a policeman. Phil watched this scene unfold as he saw a stretcher being lifted into the ambulance. Most of it was cut off from Phil's sightline by different vehicles, but he was able to make out beautiful, long black hair and a pale face. 

No. No this was NOT happening. Not today. All of a sudden, it was as if Phil was underwater. The sounds around him went from piercing to muted, as his heartbeat pounded in his ears. He began feeling a bit dizzy, and everything seemed to be moving both in a blur, yet in slow motion as well. Phil watched as Dan talked to the policeman, who seemed annoyed at first, but then his expression shifted quickly to sympathetic, as he put a hand on Dan's shoulder, Dan recoiling from the touch. Phil watched as Dan turned back towards him, not looking up from his feet as he made his way back. Phil watched as Dan walked right past him, hitting Phil slightly with his shoulder on the way past. Phil tried to break out of his daze, but was unable to, simply feeling as if he was floating after Dan, following his flatmate in the direction they had come. 

Phil watched as Dan pulled Michelle out of her apartment, where a colorful banner hung in the doorway reading 'IT'S A GIRL!'. He watched as Dan spoke to Michelle, and he saw the tears begin flowing from the girl's eyes. He watched as Dan hailed a taxi, and felt himself float alongside them into the back of the cab. He watched as they drove to the hospital, and watched as Michelle sobbed, following the doctors who led her to Alice's room, leaving Dan and Phil to sit in the waiting room. 

Now that he was here, the feeling of disassociation became even stronger. The last time he had been here was way back in 2012. With Dan. With Alice. Phil sunk into a chair in a daze, and watched as Dan's body begin shaking with tears. He knew he should be comforting his friend. He should be feeling something. But he couldn't feel anything, and he couldn't move. He couldn't make any sound, so he just sat there, staring forward. 

Time passed. Phil didn't know how much. He knew that at one point Dan got up. He didn't know how long his friend was gone, but he noticed when Dan returned. He tried to say something, but his body didn't comply. He sat.

Eventually Phil noticed a new set of fluorescent lights click on, and he realized it must be getting late, and getting dark outside. He stared forward. Time passed.

Eventually, Phil watched as Michelle returned to the waiting room, escorted by a woman in scrubs. Michelle was looking down, her eyes glazed over in a way that Phil understood at the moment. She looked up after a while with a blank expression on her face, tears streaking down to her chin, and every bit of life - every bit of energy, of spunk, of wildness was gone, and she was empty.

Phil felt himself standing, felt Dan standing next to him. They followed her back to a room, and Phil watched as Dan held Alice's lifeless hand, crying into it, holding it up to his forehead. His friend looked so small, crying there, knelt next to this small bed. He watched as Michelle made her way to the other side of the bed, and slowly closed the eyes that had been left staring up at the ceiling, glassed over in death. Phil watched as Michelle knelt over the girl on the bed, tears falling on the pale flesh beneath her, planting one final kiss on the girl's temple. One final goodbye. Phil felt himself moving up to Michelle's side, felt himself putting his arm around her as he took the dead girl's hand in his own, and squeezed one last farewell. Phil felt himself lead Michelle out of the room, and then stood in the hallway, eyes wide, waiting for Dan who rejoined them moments later. He felt them make their way back out of the hospital, his arm still around the pregnant woman.

He watched his friends get into a cab, and joined them, and he watched as Michelle got out with them at their flat. He felt himself help her up the stairs, slowly, as her belly wouldn't allow for this to be done quickly. He saw Dan make his way to the couch, beginning to rock back and forth, staring at the wall. He saw himself setting her up in his bed, and felt himself lay on top of the covers next to her, putting his arm on her shoulder as she lay facing away from him, sobbing lightly until sleep took over.

He didn't sleep. He didn't cry. He watched the ceiling.

Time passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a VERY short chapter, but felt it needed to stand alone


	3. Chapter Three

*Author's Note: I know nothing about babies, I'm sorry if any of this is incorrect*

 

The next week passed slowly, yet all at once. Dan didn't speak. Phil didn't speak. Michelle's mom came from out of town, and the broken pregnant woman went back to stay with her. Phil ate, slept, and drank water. Dan drank, but not water. After two days, Phil finally cried. It felt like such a relief, and such a release, and from then on he was a bit more present and a bit more aware. He watched as his friend spiraled. Dan was never not drunk for this week. He went out a few times and brought back girls. Phil stayed out of their way, and he never saw a girl more than once.

The third day, Phil tweeted out to his followers that there had been a tragedy, and that both he and Dan were alright, but they wouldn't be posting anything for a while. He spent the rest of his day doing a puzzle. He had an old 2500 piece puzzle of one of the scenic frames from the Lord of the Rings movies. He did the puzzle. He finished it. He broke it apart, and started again. After five days, he and Dan began having light conversation. Mostly just passing words and some very forced small talk, but it helped to break up the silence that had been consuming Phil. After a week, he and Dan were getting back to normal. Dan was dead behind the eyes, and Phil still just couldn't quite seem to _feel_ anything completely, but they were back to talking.

They spent an afternoon mindlessly playing Donkey Kong, and Phil actually saw Dan smile once as he got the DK at the end of the level. This made a small smile tickle Phil's lips, but he watched as his friend realized the expression on his face, and immediately shut down the game. He looked angry, and guilty, and spent the next hour holed up in his room, but came out to make pasta that night, and he and Phil talked about the weather, sitting at the dining table they never used. 

"Yeah I guess it's getting warmer." Phil said.

"Mhm."

"I can't believe it's already May."

"Yeah." 

It wasn't much, but it was something, and Phil was grateful for it. Eight days in, Phil woke up at 4am to the sound of light crying. He made his way out into the living room, and saw Dan looking down at his phone. Dan didn't make any effort to hide what he was looking at, as Phil walked up to see Dan looking at a selfie the two of them had taken with Alice the day they met. Phil sat slowly on the couch next to Dan, and put his arm out, Dan leaning in against him, dropping his phone on the floor and burying his sobs into Phil's shoulder. They sat this way for a long time, and eventually Dan fell asleep on Phil's shoulder, Phil following soon after, leaning his head against Dan's. 

The next day they got a call. Dan's phone was the one to ring, but he shoved it towards Phil, as Phil answered for him.

"This is Phil."

"Hi, Phil... I'm looking for Dan?" It was a woman's voice. It sounded raspy and rough, as if she had smoked a pack a day for sixty years.

"Dan can't talk right now..." Phil responded, looking at his friend across the table, who nodded gratefully. "Who is this?"

"This is Michelle's mom. She's in the hospital in labor, and told me I needed to call Dan and have him come here." 

"Oh..." Phil's mind began racing. "Okay what room is she in?"

"Room 201."

"Okay we'll be there."

"Bye" she hung up.

"Dan?" 

"Yeah?" 

Phil didn't know how to bring this up, so he decided just to say it like it was.

"Michelle's in labor in hospital and wants you." Dan's face didn't show any emotion as he slowly nodded, and then got up, Phil following him out of the apartment. They got to the hospital, and checked in at reception. The woman gave them directions to the room, allowing Phil to go with, as Michelle had apparently said he might come with and should be allowed in. 

When they entered the room, Phil looked in, and then immediately at Dan whose eyes shot open. In front of them, on the hospital bed, was Michelle. In her arms was a small, wet infant, softly crying. Michelle wasn't looking at it, and held it a few inches away from her body.

"Congratulations..." Phil said, utterly unenthusiastically after a long silence.

"I'm not keeping her." Michelle responded immediately. She had never been one to beat around the bush. "She looks like Alice and I just... I can't." Phil nodded, slowly, taking in that information. "I'm putting her up for adoption, but I figured that Dan, I should give you a chance to take her... I know you probably don't want to, but it felt wrong not to offer." Phil watched Dan's face carefully, as his friend slowly made his way up to the side of the bed, looking down at the baby.

He saw Dan's eyes soften slightly, as he breathed out, almost whispering, "She does look like Alice..." Phil slowly made his way to Dan's side, and looked down. The baby sat there, mouth twisted slightly, eyes shut tight. She did resemble Alice, incredibly so. But Phil also saw a bit of Dan in there. In the cheeks, and the jawline. Was it even possible to see these resemblances at this young? He could swear he saw it... but maybe it was just his brain playing tricks on him. 

Phil looked back at Dan, remembering the huge question that had just been presented to him. He knew the offer was aimed at Dan, but he couldn't help thinking about it himself. The foster system was awful. Kids would get bounced around from home to home, and it was rare for a child to find somewhere to live forever, to become part of a real family. Looking at this baby, he couldn't imagine condemning this child to that life. He already felt protective of the baby, but when she opened her eyes and looked up into Phil's, eyes a smokey blue to reflect his own, Phil felt his heart hop up into his throat, and then fall down into his stomach, as he felt himself fall in love. 

"We will take her." he found himself saying, just as Dan spoke,

"I'm sorry, I can't-" Dan snapped his head around at Phil, surprised and maybe a bit angry, and Phil flinched. Dan had a right to be angry. Phil didn't have any right to this child, and on top of that he had said 'we'. Sure, he could offer to raise this baby himself, but he could never offer that for Dan. That is something that would change their entire lives forever. Why had he said 'we'?

"Sorry..." he said, sheepishly, but then looked back down at the baby girl staring back up at him, and remembered his resolve. "I didn't mean to say we. Dan, if you won't take her, I will. She's not going into foster care." Phil was amazed with the strength in his voice. He was also slightly terrified of the words rolling out of him, knowing they couldn't be taken back, and knowing they'd change everything. He looked up at Michelle, and saw her gaze soften.

"Well then, I think you should..." she said, holding the baby out in her arms, who Phil instinctively reached out to take hold of, bringing her in close to his chest, supporting her head in the crook of his elbow. He stood there, looking down in wonder for a few moments, before feeling the eyes on him. His eyes travelled up to meet Dan's, and he felt lost.

He and Dan had always felt they shared some sort of psychic bond, they could always read each other, always knew what the other was thinking. Their friends mocked them mercilessly for it, but they loved it. They could have entire conversations with their eyes alone. But now Dan's eyes were cold, and Phil had no idea what was going through his friend's mind, as he left the room quickly, closing the door maybe a little too hard on the way out. 

The next fourteen hours were packed with paperwork, as Phil officially signed his life over to this child. Michelle said that she'd have her mother bring over all the baby things that her and Alice had gotten in preparation to Phil's flat, and they should be there by the time Phil got home. Finally, as the birth certificate was being printed, Phil was asked the question he hadn't even begun to think of. "The name?" the woman with the clipboard asked, and Phil froze. He thought for a moment... about how this girl looked so much like Alice who had been lost to the world much too soon, but who also was the daughter of his best friend Dan... Alice, Dan... Phil smiled when it came to him. An original name that also had little parts of her parents in it.

"Anna." he responded, confidently. "Annabeth." After all of the paperwork was signed, and this child was officially his, something he hadn't even come close to comprehending yet, it was well into the middle of the night, and he was released from the hospital. Phil pulled out his phone, and called Dan, who unsurprisingly didn't pick up. What was Phil supposed to do? Here he was, standing on the street outside a hospital, with a baby. Luckily, Anna was sleeping right now, but what was he supposed to do when she woke up? Phil didn't know the first thing about raising a child! Why had he agreed to this? 

He hailed a cab, and made his way back to the flat. He found no one home, but the living room was full of baby equipment, and a spare key lay on the coffee table. Phil sighed, readjusting the baby in his arms, and began going through the things.

About an hour and a half later, Phil thought he had most of the things sorted out and understood what the majority of everything was for. He had placed the baby in a crib he had been able to quickly set up, and she was still sleeping soundly. Phil had been incredibly relieved when he found several parenting books amongst the pile of baby things, and when he read through a page that was a checklist of what to get, he found that he had everything on the list. Phil sighed, a wave of relief rushing through him. At least nothing should happen anytime soon that he won't be at least equipped to deal with, though it may take him some time to figure out and some trial and error. Phil brought the crib along with him (it was small and easily portable, thank god) into the kitchen, as he set up some formula. He knew that sooner or later she was going to wake up hungry, and he figured it seemed like a good thing to prepare. He needed something to keep him busy.

Just as he was finishing mixing the correct amount of water with the formula powder and placing the bottle in the fridge, Phil heard the door open. He froze, looking in the direction of the slow footsteps that were making their way towards him, until he saw Dan turn the corner, arms loaded up with packages of diapers. 

"I... uh... figured you'd probably need these. Looks like there's already some here, but I'm guessing we'll need more." Phil was shocked. He just stared at his friend for a moment, and then began trying to figure out what this could mean. Honestly, he had been trying not to think about it too much, but he had thought Dan was going to move out. For sure. But now here he was... with diapers. Not only that, but he said 'we'. He said 'you' the first time, but then he had said 'we'. Phil just took the diapers from Dan slowly, setting them down on the counter. 

"Dan... I... I'm sorry. I know we live together and. And that this is _your_ kid..."

"Not... my kid" Dan interrupted, but then stopped to let Phil continue.

"And we live together and this is a huge deal and it's awful for me to make this sort of decision without even talking to you, but I just looked at her, and I couldn't imagine..." Phil trailed off here, unable to articulate exactly what he had felt when he looked into this baby's eyes for the first time. Slowly, hesitantly, Phil continued, "she... reminded me of you. And I just... couldn't bear to think of her being sent away, not knowing if she'd have a good life, not knowing where she ended up." Dan nodded slowly, eyes furrowing as Phil mentioned her reminding him of Dan. 

Slowly, Dan made his way to the crib, looking into it. His shadow crossed her face, and the change in light must have woken her up, because then she was crying, eyes squeezed shut, face turning red. Phil began to make his way to the crib, but Dan was quicker, and already by her side. He picked her up, and held her, somewhat awkwardly, bobbing up and down slightly. Dan turned to Phil, eyes wide in panic, as if to say, "WHY DID I JUST DO THAT WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS BABY IN MY ARMS WHO IS NOW SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF?!!?!?!" 

Phil smiled slightly, and pulled the pre-made formula out of the fridge, silently thanking past-him for making it. He thought for a moment, and then handed the bottle to Dan. Dan awkwardly shifted the baby in his arms to be able to hold the bottle, and then was holding the nipple to her mouth, and she latched on. Phil quickly scrambled to a page in the 'early weeks' section of the book, looking for advice on bottle feeding. 

"Alright, Dan, that's good." Phil said, reading from the book. "When she lets go, don't try to give her any more, just let her be done. Then we'll need to burp her, and she might spit up, so we should try to have a rag around to catch the spit up." Dan nodded, eyes still wide, as he held the bottle to the girl's mouth, her eyes still shut tight as she sucked on the bottle. After a bit, she detached from the bottle, and opened her wide blue eyes, looking up at Dan.

Phil watched as Dan's face changed completely as he looked properly into her eyes for the first time. When Dan's expression just moments before had been one of panic and horror, now it was one of softness and adoration. A small smile flickered across Dan's face, and Phil realized it was the first time he'd seen Dan smile since Alice's death, aside from the one time he had gotten caught up in Donkey Kong. Phil decided to forget about Donkey Kong, and classify this is the first time, as it was so much more special. Phil felt his own heart swell as he saw Dan slowly place the bottle onto the counter, staring down at this girl, then grabbing a washcloth. 

"Phil, can you put this over my shoulder so I can burp her?" Dan asked quietly, and Phil nodded, taking the cloth and covering Dan's shoulder. The younger man began to bounce again, this time very lightly but rhythmically patting the baby's back. Dan looked across at Phil, and his face was a mixture of thousands of emotions. While just earlier that day, Phil had been lost as to the lack of any feeling on his friend's face, which he could always read so clearly, he was now overwhelmed. Once again, he couldn't read his friend, but now it was for the complete opposite reason. Instead of Dan's face being devoid of emotion, it was full of it. It was overflowing, and Phil thought he might have seen Dan's eyes shine a little brighter than normal, as they welled slightly with tears. 

"Her name is Anna." Phil found himself saying. "I was thinking about how she looks like you and Alice both. And I wanted something to represent Alice. And I was thinking of you both, and thought Ann is the mixture. But I wanted her to also be unique, so I settled on Anna. Or Annabeth."

If you had asked Phil moments earlier, he would have thought that this would have been impossible, but now Phil watched as Dan's expression swelled with even more emotion. Phil felt himself getting choked up, and he couldn't quite explain why. At least he wasn't alone, as a tear rolled down Dan's cheek, and the boy choked out, "It's perfect." 

Just as he said this, Phil heard a small hiccup, and then watched as a small spurt of white liquid bubbled out of Anna's mouth and onto the cloth on Dan's shoulder. Phil looked at Dan, their eyes met, and they both began laughing. It felt strange. The past week had been so serious and silent and depressing, and then so overwhelming and everything happened so fast with the baby, and now here they were, both nearly crying, and then Anna went and puked all over Dan's shoulder. Something about the timing of it was just too much for the two men, and they lost it, cackling, and Phil watched as Dan laid Anna back in her crib to keep her from getting too shaken as Dan's body convulsed with laughter. Eventually it subsided, and Dan threw the cloth in the laundry basket, returning to the kitchen.

The mood was much lighter than it had been for a long time between Dan and Phil, but there also was a big question hanging in the air. "What now?" Was Dan staying? Something had just happened just now with Dan and Anna, and Phil didn't know exactly what, but he knew it was something. But was it enough to convince Dan to stay? Dan looked down into the crib, smiling as he saw Anna drifting off into sleep, and then moved his gaze up to meet Phil's questioning eyes.

"So... we have a baby. The internet is going to have a field day with this." Dan grinned.

And just like that, everything was so much more manageable, and Phil felt he could breathe again. Dan had said we. 

"We have a baby." Phil repeated, smiling.


	4. Chapter Four

The next week passed quickly. The first day, Dan and Phil both called their parents to inform them on the huge life change, and it went well for the most part, despite some general confusion and surprise at the situation. They spent every waking moment that first week tending to Anna or nose-deep in parenting books, and by the end of the week they were feeling fairly confident that they had the knowledge to be able to actually do this. She was still Phil's baby, and he kept her crib in his room. But sometimes when she'd wake up crying in the middle of the night, Dan would sleepily stumble into the room, grabbing her out of the crib and feeding her, burping her, changing her diaper. Whatever she needed to fall back asleep so that the two men could get another hour and a half to two hours asleep before having to wake up to do it all over again. 

Phil was so grateful to Dan, and even though they were both utterly exhausted and sleep deprived, they were also much more themselves than they had been for the week before Anna's birth. This baby girl was giving them something to focus on, and they were both falling more and more in love with her, and it helped to fight off the depression from losing their dear friend. Of course, Phil still caught Dan crying a few times, and Dan helped Phil through his own tears. Whenever Dan cried, Phil had to search him out, but when Phil cried he went straight to Dan, walking into his arms, burying his face in his friend's shoulder. 

Phil had always felt a special connection with Alice. The two got along so well, he had never gotten along better with anyone, save Dan. People always thought that Phil and Alice were brother and sister. They had the same black hair (though both of theirs were dyed, ironically), the same striking stormy blue eyes that Anna had inherited, and the same pale skin. Their faces were shaped similarly too, and being around her felt to Phil as if he was spending time with a sister. They even joked a few times about their parents having some explaining to do.

Her certainly felt now as if he had lost a sister.

Anna was doing well. She was a calm and quiet baby, and for that Dan and Phil were grateful. She rarely cried other than to inform the men that she needed food or had wet her diaper, and that crying was quickly sated. 

Today, Phil woke up nervous. He knew there was something he and Dan had to address which they hadn't really spoken of, other than a small joke the day Dan had decided to stay. What were they going to tell their fans? Their fans who would obsess over the smallest look between the two men, what would they say when the found out that the two YouTubers now had a baby? Phil shuddered at the thought, deciding to put it out of his head and not overthink until he had Dan to talk to, to process thoughts with.

They made cereal and sat down on the couch, Anna sleeping in her crib which had been brought into the same room. Phil looked down at the cereal, and had a sudden horrific realization. Cereal had been one of his favorite foods for his entire life, but looking at it now he only felt disappointment. This may have been due to the fact that cereal was an incredibly easy meal, and in the exhaustion of the past week, he and Dan had settled on cereal for nearly every meal. Phil sighed and began eating, looking across at Dan.

"So, Dan. After... Alice... I tweeted to let the internet know we'd be gone a while. I posted another update a few days ago saying it'd be a bit longer but we'd be back in not too long... it's been over two weeks now. We've gotta do something." Dan looked up, unsurprised by Phil's announcement. Phil knew that they both had known this conversation was coming, but now looking at Dan, all he could see was exhaustion. Dan's eyes had huge dark bags underneath them, and his eyelids were permanently at half-mast. His cheeks looked slightly hollow, and his skin was tinted a pale grey. Dan's hair had its natural curl - something that would have been a surprise a year ago, but in the past few months Dan had accepted his curls, however these looked more like a lion's mane, sticking up and out in all sorts of directions. Phil was fairly certain his friend had been wearing the same tshirt the day before, and maybe even the day before that. 

Phil didn't judge his friend for any of this, as he knew he was even worse. They really needed to figure out a better system with their sleep, as currently they were both waking up every time Anna needed anything. Dan had agreed to be in this, and had taken on some of the parenting, so Phil figured they could find something so that they both didn't need to get up seven times a night. Oh well, that was a talk for another time, now they had to address the issue of their careers. 

"Well, there's no getting around what they're all gonna think." Dan said matter of factly. Of course there wasn't. Their fans had always been so attached to the idea that there was something secret and romantic between the two friends, when nothing of the sort had ever existed. The men had good senses of humor about it, though, and aside from a spurt in 2012 when Dan was already extremely tense and testy, they had always laughed it off, making small jokes of it and even occasionally playing into it a bit for the sake of their fans.

"Do we tell them?" Phil asked, and Dan laughed.

"Are you kidding me? Do you really want to be on edge for every video, editing out any possible noise she could make, not explaining to fans why we're possibly posting a bit less and looking tired and thin, god they'll think we've turned to drugs the way we're looking now. And Anna's not going anywhere. She's gonna grow, and they'll find out eventually. Might as well just get it over with and give the internet some time to get used to the idea before Anna is actually aware of the attention she's getting, so hopefully by then it'll have calmed down." Phil nodded, his friend was right.

"Okay... so how do we tell them?"

Dan's eyes got dark, and he spoke sarcastically, "I know! Let's have a new 'Reasons Why Dan's a Fail'," Dan began, his face twisting into a wry and self-loathing expression, which Phil knew all to well, and always made him prepare to argue whatever nasty thing Dan was about to say about himself. "This time, though, it's the ultimate fail. I agreed to donate sperm of all things to a friend who I only felt indebted to because she saved me when I _fucking tried to kill myself and failed,_  then she _died_  while she was out getting groceries for a baby shower that wouldn't have even happened if it weren't for me, so essentially if it weren't for me, she'd still be _fucking alive_ , and now I'm stuck with a baby that I'm not ready for and I mean yes I love her but I don't want a baby right now, and..." Dan was beginning to trip over his own words, spitting them out in self hatred. Phil's eyes widened as he stopped his friend, setting down his cereal and moving over on the couch to pull Dan in for a hug.

"Hey, don't think like that. Dan, is that really what you think? Do you really think you're responsible for Alice?" Dan began to cry softly.

"I mean. I know it's silly and that it's not _really_  my fault, but indirectly it is."

Phil didn't know what to say to that, so he just stroked his friend's hair, wondering how in the world they had gotten here. "Dan.." he began slowly. "You're not stuck with this baby. I'm the one who adopted her, I'm the one who agreed to take her in. If you don't want her, all you have to do is tell me..." Phil hated saying these words, but knew he had to. The thought of going through this without Dan was unbearable, but he knew that he had to tell Dan this, because if he didn't and Dan ended up regretting this, he would grow to resent Phil, and Phil wouldn't be able to take that. 

At these words, Dan's head snapped up, and yes there were tears on his face but they were no longer falling, as Dan looked at Phil with an intensity he had only seen a few times in his life.

"I'm not leaving. She's my baby. Yes, I may be unprepared and it may not be what I wanted now in my life, but she is _my baby_. I'm fine with her being yours as well, but you've been acting as if you're her sole guardian and I'm just a helper. I'm not. She's _our_ baby." Phil smiled in a bit of relief, and a small warmth gathered in his stomach at the word 'our'. He hadn't been expecting that from Dan, and hearing that not only did he have someone to help him through this, he had an equal partner to go this through lifted a weight off of Phil's shoulders, and suddenly their fans seemed like an easy thing to handle.

"Alright, I say we make a short video dedicated to telling the fans. Maybe even just name it 'Anna'. We don't have to go into great detail of how it happened, just explain that a friend went through a tragedy and could no longer keep the baby who we couldn't possibly imagine putting into the foster system, so we took her in. We don't even have to mention that you're technically the dad." Dan looked up at Phil gratefully, and then a sarcastic smile formed across his face, as he repeated what he had said the day Phil brought Anna home.

"The internet is going to have a field day with this. _Not only_  does she look a bit like me, she also looks like Alice which to anyone who doesn't know Alice, looks like you. I swear there are going to be so many DNA splicing conspiracies and fanfiction, and I'm sure some of our fans will even think that one of us somehow got the other one pregnant. I really need to do another Internet Support Group video, I'm appalled by the health education our viewers have got... or rather the education they _haven't_ gotten." Phil laughed at this, and then immediately shot his head to the side as her heard Anna waking up, beginning to cry softly.

"I've got her." Phil told Dan as he saw the younger man began to stand, attention completely on Anna immediately just as Phil's was. Phil lifted Anna out of the bed, and immediately felt the weight in her diaper. He brought her to the changing table they had set up in this room, and took out a fresh diaper and a rag, and began changing Anna as he continued to talk to Dan.

"So... what do you say we _really_  try to get some rest tonight, try and get rid of some of these bags under our eyes, and then film tomorrow?" Phil suggested, wrapping the new and fresh diaper around Anna, pulling her up to his chest supporting her by the bottom with one hand, and supporting her neck and head with the other, coming back to sit beside Dan. 

"Yeah, that sounds good. We really need to figure out how to get more sleep." Dan mused, expressing what Phil had been thinking earlier. "It may be best if we stay in the same room. That way we don't both have to get out of bed each time she needs something, and we can more easily take turns." Phil nodded, considering. Taking turns was something they had been awful at so far, since they were staying in separate spaces. Sometimes Dan wouldn't wake up to the cries quickly enough to get into Phil's room before he had already started helping Anna, at which point it was just easier for him to finish the job, and Phil would have to handle four feedings/diaper changes in a row, but then Dan would feel guilty so he'd set his alarm and come in and handle the next three. It really wasn't working.

"Okay." Phil agreed. He and Dan had shared beds before, and the thought didn't bother him. "But we have to be _really_ careful when it comes to filming. It's enough that we have a baby, if the fans figure out we're sharing a bed..." he trailed off, chuckling at the idea, and Dan joined him. Phil tried his best to keep his shoulder still, so as not to disturb Anna, who he had just noticed was back asleep. He looked at her for a few moments in adoration before returning her to the crib. 

"Let's stay in your room." Phil decided. "We use my room more when we collab anyways, so we won't have to worry so much about hiding any evidence." Dan nodded, agreeing. "Alright, well she's asleep, and I think if we're really trying to get these eye bags gone by tomorrow, we should get to work as soon as possible. Dan laughed, agreeing once more, and lifted Anna's crib as they headed into Dan's room. 

They slept on and off throughout the day, waking to take care of Anna, waking to make dinner at night. This time they actually did make spaghetti, and Phil was grateful for food that wasn't cereal. They quickly returned to bed, and taking turns made everything so much easier. Phil actually was feeling like he was getting rest for the first time in ages, and he was fairly certain he could _see_ the life return to his friend's face throughout the course of the night. 

In the morning they heated up some frozen waffles, and then filmed their video. They decided not to actually have Anna in this video, as she was still so young, and something just felt a bit wrong to be sharing such a young newborn with the world. They decided on explaining that Dan had donated sperm to a lesbian couple they knew, as the both agreed that the more information they left out, the more their viewers' minds would run wild. They explained that their videos and social media posts may be a bit more sparse for a while, but that they would do their best. Dan even made a joke at the end of the video, calling Phil 'daddy', to which Phil squirmed.

"No no no ew that's gross no especially now with - no you can't say that, ew I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me." He tried to convince Dan to edit it out, but he had to admit it was pretty funny, and in the end it was kept in the video.

Dan got to work on editing the video as Phil began making them lunch and took care of Anna when she woke up hungry. By the end of the night, they'd each had a look over the video and decided it was ready, clicking upload. Forty minutes after that, their video was public and they had both tweeted out about it, and were receiving a tidal wave of tweets back. The men decided to ignore it, let the information settle in, and not check social media until tomorrow. Of course, Phil caught Dan scrolling through comments twice, and he caved himself once, but they kept their resolve for the most part. The little bit that Phil had seen was mostly just shock and some support, which eased Phil's mind a bit. 

The men fed Anna one more time before bed, and then brushed their teeth, slipping under the duvet together.

"Thank you, Dan. I just realized - how have I not said that until now?" Phil was appalled at himself. "Thank you so much, for everything. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you with me in this, and... just thank you." Dan smiled, and reached down to squeeze Phil's hand quickly before pulling his hand back up to his chest. 

"You're welcome Phil. Thank you. For having the courage to say yes when Michelle asked. I don't even want to think of what I'd be feeling now if you hadn't said anything and I had turned her offer down." Phil smiled, and the two men fell asleep. 


	5. Chapter Five

Phil had thought everything would be okay. He really had. But between the lack of sleep (which was better than before, but still not what it needed to be), the stress of taking care of an infant, trying to get back on track with uploading videos (though both he and Dan had announced that liveshows would be on a hiatus for a while), and the torrent of drama coming from the phandom, Phil was on his last nerve, and he sensed Dan was as well.

They didn't see each other much for a few days after uploading their announcement, one was generally sleeping while the other took care of Anna, worked on videos, and made sure the house was stocked with what they needed. They tried to have at least two meals together a day, but generally breakfast and lunch got thrown by the wayside in favor of sleep or chores that had to be done, and dinner was their only truly guaranteed time to spend together each day. When they did, they were both tired and grumpy, and Phil was generally left feeling more frustrated than he had before. He hated things being off between him and Dan, it was usually so easy, but now the word 'easy' felt foreign to him. 

They went to bed together, but they slept on opposite sides of the bed, facing away from each other and Phil felt as if he were miles away from his friend. They tried filming another Bishi Bashi Special episode for the gaming channel on a Thursday, and they both tried to have a positive outlook about how the video was going, but when it came to editing they knew they couldn't upload it. Both of them looked dead behind the eyes, and the conversation was forced. It was mostly just strained silence with none of their usual playful banter. They deleted the footage.

Three weeks passed this way, and it was really beginning to take a toll on Phil. He felt that things should be getting easier - technically they were, him getting the hang of this whole parenting thing, and Dan doing the same, but things had never felt harder. He found Dan crying several times looking at old pictures of Alice, but his friend no longer allowed Phil to comfort him, pushing him away as he tried to hug his friend. They each uploaded a video separately during these three weeks, and neither made any mention of Anna. It didn't matter. Their fans definitely noticed that they hadn't uploaded a video together, and the theories were through the roof.

The most popular theory seemed to be that Dan and Phil were married (obviously, what Phan theories didn't include a secret relationship?), had agreed to take the baby, and were now living domestically and with a baby their affection was growing, finding it harder to hide their relationship so they were acting weird on camera, trying to keep the secret.

It couldn't be farther from the truth. Phil thought back over the past two months. Ever since the day of the shower had he really been happy? He'd had moments of relief, even moments of love with Anna... and she did make him happy. But something tugged at his gut, knowing that everything had changed that day, and he was worried that it'd never return to the way it was. Obviously it wouldn't because now he and Dan were raising a child... but more and more it felt like he and Dan were acting as alternating nannies. It was wrong, and Phil knew it was unfair to Anna, but he didn't know how to fix it. 

Now, Phil was sitting at his computer, staring at a blank document, trying to think of an idea for a video he and Dan could film together. Even if one of them just made a guest appearance in the other's video, they just needed to post something with the both of them. He didn't know how much time passed before he heard Dan in the doorway. 

"Hey I really need to get out of the house, can you take care of Anna tonight?" Dan didn't look Phil in the eye asked he talked, hovering right on the edge of the door frame.

"Sure." Phil responded. He didn't feel he was going to be able to sleep much anyways, his thoughts were racing and he knew his brain wouldn't allow for rest. The rest of the day passed slowly, quietly, Phil taking care of Anna when she needed care, feeling guilty for the disconnect he felt with the baby. _His baby_ , he reminded himself. She still didn't cry much, but she was no longer making the little noises of happiness, and now just seemed confused. She hadn't been eating as much. He didn't know what to do.

Phil eventually took Anna into his room and fell asleep in his own bed for the first time in weeks. It felt cold. He didn't know why he decided to sleep in here, but sleeping in Dan's room felt wrong.

Phil was woken up at 2:21am, and the sounds he heard made him glad he had gone to his own room. Dan had brought a girl home, and was not being discreet. Phil heard her talking to him, clearly drunk, and trying to get Dan to return her words, trying to get him to say her name. Dan didn't. Phil heard her begin to get frustrated, and then he heard a thud. Phil listened to the shouting, held Anna as she awoke to the drunken argument, rocking her back and forth. He listened as Dan told the girl to fuck off and never come back, and heard her sobs as she stumbled out of the apartment. Phil sat in horror on his bed, crying baby in his arms, wondering what had just happened. 

After about twenty five minutes, Anna was asleep again, and Phil tentatively made his way to Dan's room, knocking on the door. 

"Go away." He heard from inside, and slowly inched the door open, not listening to his friend. Looking inside, he saw Dan sat on the ground in the corner of his room, arms wrapped around his knees. 

"Dan..." he began softly. "What happened?" Dan looked up at Phil through tears. Phil could tell by the way that Dan's eyes couldn't seem to fully focus on him, drifting away before flicking back to his face, that Dan wasn't just tipsy, he was completely plastered.

"I just. Feeling alone. Needed a break. Needed someone. Went to the bar. She followed me when I left and I didn't stop her. Then I didn't want to talk and she pushed me into the table with your plant. It fell. The pot broke and I told her to leave. No one. Hurts my friend. Just. Needed someone." His words were chopped up, as Phil watched Dan concentrate all his efforts on explaining to Phil. He sighed, relieved that that had been all. He knew that Dan was a good person, and even drunk would never be violent with someone, but in the moment he had been worried when he heard their fight, and it was a relief to know that Dan hadn't tried to hurt this girl. Now he felt guilty for even considering it.

Phil made his way over to Dan, sitting next to him and putting his arms around his friend. 

"Hey, it's okay. You do have someone. You have me, okay?" Phil soothed gently, rubbing Dan's back. 

"But it's not the same. Not lately. So complicated. So tense. Just wanted. To relax. Needed to be close to someone." This hurt. This struck Phil right through the heart with a pang that made him shiver from his head to his toes. His friend had needed someone, and he hadn't been there. Yes, he'd tried to comfort Dan in the past few weeks when he had found him crying over Alice, but now that Phil thought back, those were the only times he had reached out to his friend. When someone isn't there for you day to day, you don't really want them there when you're at your weakest, now do you? Phil couldn't believe how shortsighted he had been, and felt the guilt rise in his throat.

"It'll be okay. It'll be different. I'm so sorry, Dan. Let's get you some rest, okay?" Dan nodded into Phil's shoulder, and Phil helped his friend to his feet, leading him back to Phil's room where Anna was still asleep. They stopped at the bathroom on the way, Phil rubbing Dan's back as the acidic vomit made its way out of his friend's stomach and into the toilet bowl. They got him cleaned up and Phil even managed to get him to drink a glass of water, and then tucked him into bed. Dan faced towards the middle of the bed, far off to one side, and Phil went to assume his usual place of sleeping on the other far side of the bed, back to the center and to Dan, before rethinking. His friend needed him, he needed someone to be there for him.

Phil turned, making his way towards the middle of the bed, and reached out a hand placing it on top of his friend's hand resting on the bed. Dan's eyes fluttered open and he gave Phil a small grateful smile, before the two men drifted into sleep. 

 

Phil woke up three times throughout the night to take care of Anna, and when Phil woke up for good in the morning, he was glad to see Dan sitting up in bed on top of the duvet, sipping water. His friend looked like hell, but at least he had been able to get up and get the water which would help him. He watched as Dan popped an Ibuprofen into his mouth and threw back the water, swallowing the pill with a grimace. Phil's eyebrows raised, surprised. His friend hated taking pills and usually could only take them if they were followed by a biscuit to help him swallow. The thought of biscuits gave him an idea, and Phil sat up slowly. 

"Morning, Dan." Dan groaned in reply, making his way back underneath the duvet and groaning again into the pillow.

"Alright, why don't you get some rest, okay? I'll take care of the baby and make us some food." Dan groaned again, face still buried in the pillow. Phil got up, stretched, and brought the crib with him into the kitchen, being careful so as not to wake the sleeping infant. He looked at her for a moment, and smiled. She was so beautiful, and Phil felt a rush of excitement at the thought of getting to watch her grow and learn, and watch what kind of person she turned into. He smiled and pulled out ingredients, set on doing something special for his friend. 

A little under an hour later, Phil was returning to his room with two plates of eggs, potatoes, toast, and a handful of melty chocolate chip cookies. He placed them gingerly on the bed next to Dan's sleeping form, and returned a few moments later with two glasses of milk. When he returned, he saw that Dan was waking to the smell, and took a plate hungrily. The two ate breakfast, Dan poking fun at Phil's inability to portion chocolate chips, and Phil laughed. It was true, of the three cookies on his plate, one had no chocolate chips in them, one only had three, and the other was nearly all chocolate. Phil shoved Dan lightly, and they smiled. Things felt normal again. It felt good. 

After breakfast, Phil took the dishes back into the kitchen to wash up. As he was washing, he came to the resolve that he was going to do things differently. He and Dan obviously hand't figured out how to be around each other now that they had a baby to take care of, and so Phil supposed that that meant things were going to have to change. He decided he would talk to Dan today, and with any luck, they'd find a way to coexist peacefully again. He missed his best friend, and although this morning was good, he couldn't help feeling like it could all disappear at any moment. 

As Phil finished the last pan, he turned to see Dan coming into the kitchen, Anna in his arms. He got the bottle out of the fridge, and fed the baby, burping her afterwards, catching her spit up on a towel. Phil's heart swelled when he watched Dan take care of his baby. _Their baby_ , he reminded himself. He laughed a bit inwardly.

It was weird enough to have millions of people around the world wanting him and his friend to be dating, but to have a baby with that same best friend while both of them were straight took some getting used to. It was weird to say ' _our baby_ ', seeing as they were just friends, raising a child together. He sighed. He and Dan's relationship had never been a normal one, and he supposed this was just another testament to their friendship. 

"Phil..." Dan started, and then paused, as if trying to figure out exactly what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry. Not just about last night, but I've just. I've been distant since Alice, and I know it's not helping, and I know I've lashed out, and I'm sorry." Phil felt his heart ache hearing these words from his friend, because no. It wasn't Dan's fault, it was Phil's. The little voice of reason in the back of Phil's mind reminded him that it was a combination of the two, but he didn't want to put any of the blame on his friend. He felt responsible, and he had to take ownership of this. Dan shouldn't have been the first to apologize.

"No, Dan. I'm sorry. Life has just changed so much lately, and I don't think that I realized how I hadn't let our friendship keep up with the changes. I think... I think we need to talk. To sit down and figure out exactly how we're going to handle this. We have a kid, and we have our fans, and that means something. Something is different now, and we need to work out what that is and what it means before we're going to be able to continue." Dan nodded, and after he had gotten Anna back to sleep in her crib, they made their way to the table, sitting across from each other.

"So..." Phil decided to start. And he decided he wasn't going to hold back. He was just going to put out all of his thoughts, no matter how strange they might be, because they didn't have room to talk around the issue right now. "We have a baby. When most people have a baby, they're together. Like. Romantically. They have a partner, and while we have each other, it's different. Our fans are freaking out, they're not going to actually watch our content for what it is for a long time unless we find some way to deal with this all." Dan was nodding, his eyebrows pulling together a bit as he waited to see where Phil was going with this.

"Okay so I know this sounds weird, and tell me if you think it's an awful idea, but what if..." He sucked in a breath nervously, and then decided he had to just go for it. "What if we tell them they're right. What if we tell them that we're together and have a baby. We'll make up a story, and yes they'll lose their shit for a little while, but then they'll calm down. Honestly I think all of the fuss about 'Phan'" Phil made air quotes as he said their ship name, "is just because they don't know for sure. If we tell them we're together, soon they won't have anything to be curious about. We'll have to change how we act in videos a bit, but we can both do that. And there are plenty of YouTube couples who don't kiss, I'm pretty sure Zoe and Alfie have never kissed on camera, and they're one of the biggest YouTube couples out there! I mean. I know it'd be weird... but..." Phil trailed off, looking at Dan.

Phil felt relieved when he saw that his friend didn't look mad, he just looked surprised, and then Phil saw Dan's thinking face, and Phil continued.

"And... I don't know. Neither of us has had a serious relationship in a while, it's so hard with YouTube, and now with Anna I can't imagine starting anything anytime soon. I don't know about you, but I'm not worried about this affecting that part of my life. Also..." This is where Phil felt his stomach jump into his throat. This was really what Phil was nervous about. "You said last night that you needed someone. Needed to be close to someone. I've been wanting that too lately, feeling really lonely. If we do decide to tell the internet we're together, or even if we don't... I don't really know what I'm really trying to say here. I just. We're already so close, we have a baby, we share a bed... we could just agree that like... platonic cuddling is okay? Just agree between the two of us that we'll be there for each other, and try to maybe make the other not feel so lonely." Phil watched Dan's eyebrows scoot upwards on his face.

"Phil, are you asking me to make out with you?" Dan chuckled in surprise.

"No! God, no! I just meant like... when we fall asleep we don't have to keep our backs to each other. We don't have to worry so much about keeping space between each other. Light cuddling at most god no I don't want to kiss you!" Phil felt his cheeks flushing a deep rosy color. Dan nodded slowly, taking all this in.

"I... don't know. I think I can get on board with the second part, I mean we already have crossed basically every boundary of friendship already, and that does sound nice to feel a little more like I have someone by my side through this. Telling our fans that we're together though? I mean what do we tell our friends? Our family? I don't know about yours, but my parents won't let a visit go by without asking me if I'm finally going to 'admit it' this time. They'll never believe it's a lie." Phil nodded, thoughtfully. It was true, even their closest friends would question their relationship sometimes, and he knew that if they announced it, it'd be even harder to convince their friends that it was just for the fans. 

"I don't know honestly... I guess just deal with it as it comes. I don't really mind people thinking we're together I've gotten pretty used to it over time." Phil responded, and Dan nodded, agreeing. 

"Alright, well... why don't we try the whole... cuddling... thing. And we can think on what to tell the internet, and decide tomorrow." Dan suggested. Phil agreed, and they sat in awkward silence at the table for a moment. Eventually Phil had enough of the silence. He had had too much silence in the past month. 

"Movie?" he suggested, standing up. 

"Sounds great." Dan agreed, and made his way into the living room, Phil following with the crib. 

Moving Anna woke her up this time, but she wasn't crying. As they sat down on the couch, Phil pulled Anna out of her crib, tested her diaper which seemed empty and dry, and went to sit next to Dan. He automatically sat a few feet away from Dan on the other side of the couch, then thought about what they had just agreed on. Phil stood back up, slightly awkwardly, and moved over next to Dan, sitting back down just so their hips were touching. Dan looked up at him, eyes somewhat wide, mouth in a half smile that said 'oh god this is going to be weird', and Phil leaned back against the couch, Anna laying on his chest. 

Dan reached over and stroked Anna's arm with his thumb absentmindedly as he scrolled through the movie options, landing on Life of Pi. They had seen it when it came out, but that was years ago, and it was a good movie. Phil turned Anna around so she could watch the movie leaning back against Phil's chest. Around the time in the movie where the whale was leaping out of the phosphorescent water, Dan reached an arm around Phil, laying it gingerly across his shoulders, as if he almost didn't want Phil to notice it was there. Phil hesitated for a moment, and then leaned in towards Dan, resting in the crook of his arm, and Dan allowed the full weight of his arm to rest on Phil's shoulder. 

When Pi and Richard Parker made it to the island of meerkats, Anna began crying, and Phil got up, changing her now dirty diaper. When she was changed, she fell asleep quickly, and he put her back in her crib, returning to Dan's side. Somewhat awkwardly, as if he didn't know if this was still what they were doing, he sat right next to Dan, leaning into his shoulder, and Dan's arm wrapped back around Phil, this time a bit lower across his back, hand resting on Phil's side. Phil shivered a bit. It was weird sitting this way with Dan and would take some getting used to, but when he got past the strangeness of it, he admitted it was pleasant. It was nice to be close to someone in this way, it had been a long time since Phil had sat this way with anyone. 

They finished the movie, fed and burped Anna before putting her to sleep, and brought her crib into Dan's room with them. They brushed their teeth and made their way to the bed, where they laid awkwardly next to each other, looking at the ceiling. Neither of them moved for a while, laying closer to each other than they had been for weeks, but still not close enough to touch. Eventually Dan spoke.

"So... should we...?" He trailed off, and Phil sighed. If they were going to do this, they had to just push through the first few awkward times until it became more natural. He turned, scooting over slightly so that his chest was pressed against Dan's side. He slowly brought a hand up to Dan's chest, resting it there, and then moved his upper leg so the knee came to rest atop Dan's. He curled his neck so that his chin was resting on Dan's shoulder, and the top of his head was against the side of Dan's face. They laid there for a bit in silence, before Dan moved his arm, causing Phil to have to sit up a bit, and then laying back down, Dan's arm wrapped around him. This was nice, right? This was okay. 

Phil listened to Dan's heart beat, strong and steady, and aligned his own breathing with the brunette's. This was okay. Everything was going to be okay.


	6. Chapter Six

Phil was on the first baby shift, waking up at a little after 2am to feed and burp, getting Anna back to bed quickly. When he came back, he laid down next to Dan, still touching, but maybe not quite as wrapped up as they had originally been. Dan had the second shift, and when he returned he simply lay face down on the bed a few inches away from Phil, groaning into the pillow. Phil understood, this was going to take some getting used to and it felt a little strange to cuddle with his best friend. However, a minute later when he thought Dan had fallen asleep, the brunette reached his arm out and put his hand on top of Phil's shoulder, keeping that bit of contact. Throughout the rest of the night, they cuddled to varying degrees, but by the 7am baby trip, they both were done and spent the rest of the night separated, though closer than the past month had been. 

When Phil finally woke up for good around 10am, he felt a bit cold, and looked over to see that Dan was gone. So was Anna's crib. Phil stumbled bleary-eyed into the kitchen, and stopped at the entrance as he saw Dan softly humming a lullaby to Anna as he flipped a pancake. Phil felt a strange rush go through him. It was warm and fuzzy, and his mouth formed into a smile without him even realizing.

He thought back to when he had first agreed to take Anna. How he had been so sure that Dan was going to leave, that he'd be in this alone. Now he couldn't be more grateful to the man flipping pancakes in the kitchen, cooing to their baby. Phil wanted to go up and hug him out of gratitude, and only hesitated a moment before remembering that he could do just that now. He made his way over behind Dan, being sure to stay quiet, and wrapped his arms around the brunette from behind.

Dan screamed.

Phil stumbled back in surprise as Dan whipped around, mouth wide in terror, raising up his spatula in self-defense and accidentally launching a pancake across the room, before realizing it was just Phil and putting a hand over his heart, breathing heavily.  Phil immediately felt guilty, he should have warned Dan that he was coming. Phil immediately went over to Anna's crib and took out the baby who had begun crying after Dan's scream, bouncing her gently.

"I'm so sorry Dan! You were being so nice and making breakfast and keeping Anna calm and I just messed all that up. I just saw you and wanted to say thank you and remembered what we agreed yesterday and.." 

"It's okay Phil. Just give a guy some warning next time, okay?" Dan smiled a bit, and went to retrieve his pancake, throwing it in the garbage. He continued to make breakfast, and Phil continued to bounce Anna until she was sound asleep. After a few minutes, Dan spoke again. "Yesterday was nice. It was strange, and it'll take some getting used to, but it was nice. If you're still feeling okay with it... I'd like to keep it up."

"I'm still okay with it." Phil responded. Because he was. Yes, it felt strange, and no it didn't come naturally to him, but once he was able to settle into it it had felt nice, and he could learn to make it normal. 

"Okay. Thank you... for suggesting it." Dan spoke as he stacked pancakes onto their plates, and they moved to the dining table. Phil was fairly certain they'd used this table more in the past month than they had since they moved in. "So..." Dan began as he cut his first bite of pancake. "About the other thing you suggested yesterday." Phil remembered that they were supposed to decide this morning whether they were going to tell the internet they were together, and began wondering if it was as good an idea as he had thought before. He had meant to think about it last night, but it had slipped his mind.

"Oh yeah... I don't know. If you don't think it's a good idea..."

"I actually think it's kind of brilliant." Phil's eyes widened slightly. "It will get crazy for a while, but I think you're right that once the 'phans' get what they want, they won't have as much to theorize about or pick apart. I mean yes, there will be the few who are always trying to get us to be physically affectionate in videos, but you were right that there are tons of YouTube couples who are out, but don't kiss on cam. And if our viewers have been so convinced we've been together all this time, we won't have to act all that different, maybe just a bit here and there. I don't know... the more I think about it, it just makes sense and it seems so much easier than the shitstorm that is Twitter right now." Phil nodded, agreeing. While both he and Dan used to spend hours a day on Twitter, they _maybe_  spent ten minutes on the site now each day, and more often than not just didn't even open the platform. 

"And with friends and parents... I mean honestly I think both of our families are convinced we're together already. We'll have to figure out how to act when we see them in person, but I think we can get by pretty easily saying we just don't like PDA. If we're already doing this whole... cuddling thing... it shouldn't be hard to be affectionate in other ways than kissing. And for our friends, it'll be about the same. I mean... we don't even have many close friends, it's not like it'll be a day to day hassle." Phil nodded, surprised that Dan had thought about all of this so much, and even more surprised that he was so positively on board with the idea. 

"I mean, if you don't want to, we won't. But the more I think about it, it just seems like it'd be such a relief and the good would far outweigh the bad." Phil nodded again, taking a bite of pancake, thinking.

"Phil, this is kind of a weird subject. Please say something, don't leave me hanging like this." Dan said sincerely, searching for what Phil was thinking.

"I think you're right. We should do it." Phil was shocked that the words left his mouth, but as he thought more about them and about what Dan said, he realized he did believe it'd be better if they did it.

"Okay, let's figure out all the logistics today, and make a video tonight or tomorrow." Dan agreed, and they finished breakfast.

The rest of the day was spent taking care of Anna, and thinking up every possible situation they could be put in and how to get out of it. Every possible question they could get, and how to answer it.

They ended up deciding that they would try to tell their families and some close friends that it wasn't real. They'd tell Louise. They'd tell Tyler and PJ and Chris. At that decision Phil laughed, because he knew there was no way Tyler PJ and Chris would believe that they weren't together after they announced publicly that they were. Louise probably would... their families probably wouldn't. They both decided that all their other friends, all the other YouTubers could just go on believing Dan and Phil were together. They both knew that it was a bit slimy to lie to their fans about something like this, and they each felt a bit guilty about it, but once again decided that the good outweighed the bad. They knew, however, that this was against the general YouTube unspoken 'code', and if they told the wrong person that it wasn't real, that could get leaked, and that'd cause more drama than anything. 

They decided that they would just say they were fairly private and didn't like PDA, and that was why they hadn't told anyone since they had gotten together in 2014 after Phil had realized he was in love with Dan, and brought the younger boy flowers. Tulips to be exact, red and pink. They had to be exact, their answers had to match and they knew this was a question they'd get a lot. It was a somewhat boring story, but it would have to do. They would begin to hold more eye contact in videos and in public, and maybe here and there one would put an arm around the other, or if they were out in public they'd hold hands. Only small things that both Dan and Phil were getting increasingly comfortable doing with each other anyways, but would be seen as a 'coupley' thing to do. 

They got through all of this, and much more before dinner, and then sat down to eat some Chinese they had gotten delivered, agreeing that they'd film after they ate. They wouldn't do a live show for a while, because they knew they'd get overwhelmed with questions about their relationship, and they might slip up, so they'd stick to normal videos for now until they really worked out their story. Phil was feeling increasingly guilty about lying to their fans, but Dan reassured him, saying that they had a baby, they lived together, they cuddled now. They loved each other, they just weren't _in love_ with each other. When Phil thought about it that way, it did feel like a smaller lie, even though he knew it'd be taken as a huge piece of news to their fans.

Phil also smiled and felt that same fluttery rush of warmth flow through him when Dan said that they loved each other. Of course they did, they had for a long time, but it was rare that one of them said those words to the other. It felt like another piece of comfort, another wall that was being broken down between the two, allowing them to be there for each other. Even if it wasn't romantic love, it was comforting and nice to hear someone tell Phil they loved him, and he smiled.

They both agreed that they wouldn't script this video too much, and it wouldn't be long or have much editing, unless they found themselves in a spot where they didn't have their stories straight, of course. They wanted it to look as natural as possible.

Dan fed, bathed, and re-dressed Anna as Phil went into his room to set up the camera. When Dan entered, Phil could see that his friend was nervous. He understood, feeling his own palms clammy with sweat. He wiped them off on his jeans, and sat back on the bed as Dan joined him. They looked at each other, took a large collected breath, and hit record. 

"Hey guys!" Phil started with his signature intro. "So this is gonna be a kind of different kind of video. More of a life update. We know..." and he looked over at Dan, remembering to hold eye contact just a second longer than he usually would, smile a bit bigger. "We know that there's been a lot of speculation for years about this..." 

"A _lot_." Dan agreed, chuckling and going a bit red, smile wide and dimples showing as he looked up nervously at Phil. Damn, he was good at this.

"And we weren't sure if we were _ever_ going to tell the internet to be honest."

"Still don't know if we should." Dan joked, but Phil knew that Dan did know, he was just saying that for the sake of the video.

"But with a baby now, it just feels like the time is right... so..." Phil looked over at Dan, letting the air rush out of him in defeat. "I feel like we should have some more dramatic 'reveal'. It's been such a big deal for such a long time, it feels weird to just say it." Dan smiled, then looked at the camera in mock seriousness and drama, getting off the edge of the bed and slowly moving towards the lens.

"Me and Phil... and don't you _DARE_  make all the comments 'Phil and I'... ARE DATING!" he said dramatically, making an explosion sound with his mouth, bringing up his hands to signal said explosion, and Phil made a mental note to add the visuals to that picture. Dan returned to the bed and looked over at Phil, this time resting his hand upon Phil's knee, and chuckled.

"That dramatic enough for you?" Dan asked, smiling at him, and Phil smiled back, allowing his nerves about all of this turn into a blush that he was sure would get picked up on camera. 

"Yeah, I think so." he said shyly, and looked up at Dan for a moment, and then back to the camera.

"So yeah, it's been almost three years, our anniversary is actually next month, August 17th, and things are really great, right Philly?" Dan asked, looking up to Phil with an almost evil grin on his face. Phil pushed him playfully, knowing both that Dan was teasing him with the nickname, but also that they both knew the fans would love this.

"Shut up!" he turned back to the camera, smiling. "Yes, things are going really well. We're sorry we didn't tell you until now, but we're just both somewhat private people when it comes to this, and we hope you'll respect that."

"Yeah, you won't be getting that sex tape we promised you back in 2009, sorry." Dan joked, and Phil flushed, laughing as well. They went on to give a small update on Anna and to thank their fans for watching this video even though it was different than their usual content, promising that they'd do a Q&A soon and return to their normal types of videos. Soon they were done and the video was edited, and they were uploading it, and then making it public, and they didn't even realize it was past 4AM because they were both so nervous. 

Dan tweeted this video out when it went public and Phil retweeted Dan's post, and then they turned their phones off. They got ready for bed and assumed the same position they had fallen asleep in the night before, taking comfort in each other's warmth, and needing that comfort, knowing that for the third time in the past two months their entire lives had just been changed.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I said I wouldn't post things at the start of chapters to indicate what would happen in them, but I'm breaking my rule.
> 
> Holy shit guys, prepare for the most fluff that's ever fluffed. If you want more angst and stuff please let me know in the comments, but this chapter is all fluff, so be ready.

A month passed. 

Dan and Phil had stayed in their flat the entire time, except the necessary store runs to grab groceries or new diapers when they ran out. Neither of them had seen any friends or family since they uploaded 'the video'. Things were getting more normal and easier to deal with by the day. Yes, there were about two and a half weeks where the entire internet seemed to be exploding, and their phones never stopped ringing from their friends, but it had began to die down and Dan and Phil were beginning to see some of the calm that they had hoped for from this. They hadn't gone into much detail about their supposed relationship, aside from telling their families over the phone that it wasn't real. They'd tell Louise, Chris, and PJ when the three came over this weekend.

The three friends hadn't stopped nagging Dan and Phil about seeing them, and the two men decided it'd be a good idea to invite them over. They could introduce their friends to Anna who hadn't met anyone aside from her two dads, and Dan and Phil could explain that their relationship wasn't real. The three were coming over on August 16th, the day before Dan and Phil's supposed three year anniversary. 

Dan and Phil themselves had grown much closer over the past month, becoming comfortable with each other in a more physical way. They were uploading more joint videos on their gaming channels again, and were always sure to include a few moments of lingering eye contact, put a hand around the other, or throw in a little comment about the other being cute. Their fans ate it up, but then they would let it go after the video, which was new, and the YouTubers were grateful for the change. 

Anna was beginning to have a bit more of a personality now that she wasn't such a newborn, and Dan and Phil both absolutely adored her. They found that she loved the color turquoise, and they made sure to buy her tons of turquoise outfits. Dan had found a fascination with putting together adorable outfits for Anna, including dresses with matching bows for her hair, and little cute shoes. Phil watched as box after box was delivered from amazon, containing more and more precious little outfits to dress Anna up in. 

Today, Dan had dressed her in an adorable little turquoise dress with tiny blue shoes and a green bow in her hair. She looked like a gradient, blue on the bottom transitioning to green on top, and it was precious. Dan broke their unspoken rule of trying not to share too much of her online, and posted an instagram picture of Phil holding Anna, her looking up in wonder at his face as he booped her on the nose. Phil hadn't been aware there was a picture being taken, and protested Dan posting it at first until his heart melted at how sweet the photo was, and he caved. 

Dan wrote out in the caption 'My adorable daughter absolutely mesmerized by Phil who didn't even know the camera was there." He was about to click post, when Phil watched him delete the caption and re-write, "Our adorable daughter absolutely mesmerized by her loving father who didn't even know the camera was there. Yes, they're really that cute even when it's candid. I'm so lucky <3"

Phil smiled as he watched Dan click the button to post the picture, and not for the first time since deciding to tell the fans they were together, he was amazed at how good Dan was at all of this. Sometimes, and he would never admit this to Dan, the brunette would look at him in a certain way, and Phil would forget it was an act for a moment. Just for a split second, he truly would believe that Dan adored him in the way you would adore a boyfriend or girlfriend. Phil tried his best to copy what Dan did, but he knew he wasn't as natural as Dan was. 

Phil took a deep breath after the picture was posted, and got out the stroller they had never used before. Today was going to be the first day they took Anna outside. They didn't want to do much, and they didn't want to be anywhere too public where they might get noticed by a fan. They still wanted to try to keep Anna fairly separate from their internet following. 

Phil began packing up some food and formula in a cooler, putting some water bottles in his backpack. Today, the three of them were going to take a cab awhile out of the city to a lake they had been to once before with Chris and PJ long ago. It was fairly remote, and last time they had gone no one was there, and there was a nice little spot where you could sit in the grass on the edge of the lake and have a picnic. Both Phil and Dan had agreed that it was the perfect place to take Anna on her first outing once they remembered it, and Phil was feeling the rush of excited nerves as he packed up. 

Throughout all of this, Dan was following Phil through the house holding Anna in one arm, his forearm long enough to hold her under her bottom as well as support her neck with his hand, and his phone with his other hand, reading out comments to Phil.

" **OMG your baby is so cute <3 <3 <3**

**Her hands are so tiny!**

**They're so cute!**

**We want a full family photo!**

**Have her in a video?!?!?!** " 

Phil smiled, happy that their viewers loved their baby too. When it was time to leave, Dan put away his phone and carried Anna down the steps, Phil following behind with his backpack and the stroller. They reached the street, and Phil actually felt a choked sound escape his throat as he watched his daughter's face grow in wonder, a huge smile spreading across her face. 

"DAN! DAN SHE'S SMILING!" Dan looked down quickly at Anna, and Phil saw tears form in Dan's eyes. Newborns can't shape their faces into smiles, and this was the first time Phil or Dan had seen her with this expression, cheeks pulled wide, and.

No.

Phil could swear he felt his heart actually swell and pull at itself as he watched the little dimples appear on Anna's cheeks. He looked up at Dan, tears in his eyes, and saw that Dan's were actually falling down his face now, using his free hand to swipe them away before they fell on their baby. 

Phil hesitated for a moment, because they were out in public, but then remembered that the world already thought they were dating, and he pulled Dan into a warm hug, slightly wet with tears, being sure not to squish Anna between them. They stayed this way for a bit, pulling back slightly so their foreheads were rested on each other's shoulders, Phil's arms around Dan's neck, and Dan's free arm on the small of Phil's back. They looked down at their baby, smiling up at them, and Phil knew right then that he had never been happier in his life. 

No matter what had happened to get them here, no matter how unplanned it all was, no matter how hard it had been, Phil had never felt this feeling before, and after a few moments, he stepped one of his feet back to pull away from Dan, but Dan kept his hand on the small of Phil's back, putting slight pressure there to bring Phil back to him and tell him that Dan wasn't done with this moment. So he stayed. They watched their daughter, and stood like that for a few minutes. 

When they finally pulled apart, they saw two girls around their age watching them as they walked by. 

"Your baby is so sweet!" remarked one, and the two men smiled.

"We know." Phil responded, smiling through the wetness in his eyes.

"You two are so cute together." The other commented, and before Phil could say anything, Dan reached his arm around Phil's waist, pulling Phil towards him so their sides were pressed flush.

"Thank you." Dan said, turning and giving Phil that smile that made him forget for just a second that this was all a lie. Phil returned the smile, and the girls walked away with small waves back in their direction.

"Well, there we go. First face to face interaction with people, acting like a couple, and I think we nailed it." Dan smiled, keeping his arm around Phil as they made their way to the edge of the sidewalk to hail a taxi, but not too close to the edge, because of Anna. 

"She helps." Phil said, as he tried to wipe the last of the tears from his eyes. They got into a cab, and told the driver their destination, his eyes widening as he explained that it'd cost them a pretty good amount since it was far away, but Dan and Phil agreed quickly, already knowing this. They sat in the back of the cab, Dan against the left hand side of the car, and Phil taking the middle seat, so they could both look down at their beautiful daughter, and share her across their laps. 

"Dan." Phil stated, and Dan looked up to meet his gaze. "She has dimples. She has _your_ dimples." The smile that crossed Dan's face there was a mixture of pride and pure joy, and Dan leaned his head down to rest on Phil's shoulder.

"I can never thank you enough, Philly." Phil still shuddered a bit at the nickname, but Dan had made it a staple since they announced they were together, using it all the time in videos and regularly enough in real life as well. "For being braver than me and taking Anna from the hospital. I don't even know..." and he trailed off there, Phil understanding. 

"You thanked me enough when you decided to come back, Dan." he responded, and shocked himself as he turned his head to plant a kiss on top of Dan's hair. They hadn't done that. Phil worried a bit, wondering if that was crossing a line, looking down to see Dan's reaction. The younger man's eyes flitted up in surprise, but not anger, giving Phil a small understanding smile, and then returning to leaning on Phil's shoulder and gaze at their daughter. Phil smiled, and he probably would have felt more relief, but he just hadn't been all that stressed in the first place. It was hard to worry about anything today, and Phil felt like he was floating on pure joy. 

The lake was beautiful, and the day passed lazily, Dan and Phil not even embarrassed by how much they were doting on their daughter. They spent the majority of the day connected in some way, and Phil was so glad they had made this adjustment in their friendship, as having someone to be close to gave him such a secure feeling. He couldn't imagine being happier than we was right now, with Anna and Dan. They eventually called a cab and got a ride back home, putting Anna to bed after a long day, and actually breaking out a bottle of red wine they'd had in their cupboard since god knows when. 

They each poured a glass, and moved to the couch to look through comments on the instagram photo, and then to eventually shift to a movie. Reading the comments warmed Phil's heart. He was so proud of their baby, and getting to show her off to the world made him swell with pride. Dan seemed to feel the same way, and Phil smiled with his head nuzzled into the crook of Dan's neck as they scrolled. After about twenty minutes of this, they each poured a second glass of wine, and put on a slower movie called 'The Giant Mechanical Man'. Neither of them had heard about it before, but they were scrolling through Netflix and saw that the girl who played Pam on the Office played one of the leads in this movie, and decided to try it out.

The movie was a love story, slow and very sweet. As if Phil's heart wasn't already full, this movie just made it overflow, and he hugged Dan close as they watched. At the end of the movie when the credits began to roll, Phil felt Dan's arms squeeze around him, as he felt Dan plant a soft kiss on the top of his head. He looked up in sleepy surprise, and Dan met his gaze, shrugging.

"You did it earlier, and it just felt right to do it now." Phil nodded, and put his head back down, letting the credits end, then letting the screen go black from lack of use. He felt Dan's heart beating through his chest, and he felt his own matching the rhythm. He didn't know exactly when he drifted into sleep, but he knew there was a smile on his face when he did.


	8. Chapter Eight

The next morning Dan stayed at home with Anna so that Phil could run to the grocery store and pick up some things for tonight, when Louise, PJ, and Chris were coming over. He was walking through the isles, picking up some snack foods and wine, when he heard it. A small whisper between two girls a little ways down the isle from him, but close enough that he could hear their excited squeals. 

"Oh my god is that AmazingPhil?"

"I think is! Oh my god he's so cute!" 

"You go talk to him!"

"No, you go talk to him!" 

Phil sighed, turning away from the girls and walking down the isle, hoping he could escape this encounter. He generally loved meeting fans, and he felt guilty to be so nervous and uninterested in meeting these girls, but this would be the first time he'd run into fans after Anna and after 'coming out' with Dan, and frankly he was terrified. Of course, he didn't get out of the isle before he heard a nervous voice behind him.

"Phil?" He turned to see the two girls, both probably around fourteen years old, with huge smiles on their faces. He allowed his face to relax into a smile as well, reminding himself that this was bound to happen, and to just take deep breaths. 

"Hi!" he responded enthusiastically.

"My name's Sarah and this is Beth, and we watch your videos and it's so amazing to get to meet you!" 

"It's nice to meet you too. Do you want to take a picture?" The girls squealed in excitement as Phil took a phone from each of them, one after the other, posing with his arm around their shoulders. He handed them their phones back, and prepared to say a quick goodbye and leave.

"So... how's Dan?" Beth spoke for the first time, and there was something in the way she said the question that seemed dirty, and Phil flushed. He decided that might be good, and allowed the blush to creep across his cheeks.

"He's good. He's home with Anna right now." Phil stopped there, but then thought 'what would Dan do?' he remembered how Dan had reworded his caption on that Instagram photo, and decided he had to take that extra step as well. "Things have been great lately, actually. We were so worried for so long about telling people, but I think it's been one of the best decisions we've ever made. Next to choosing to keep Anna, of course."

He smiled, because he felt guilty lying to his fans, and technically none of that was a lie. Things had been great, and he did think it was a good decision to tell the fans they were together. Okay, so maybe they hadn't been worried for a long time about telling people, but they had been worried about watching how they acted around each other in case people got the wrong idea, and that was close enough, right? And of course nothing was a better decision Phil had ever made than the one to keep Anna.

"You are all so cute I can't wait to see Anna in a video!" Sarah exclaimed, and Phil smiled.

"Yeah, I don't know how soon that will be, but we'll keep the Insta photos coming I think. Hey, I've really gotta go, Dan and I are hosting a little get together tonight as a pre-anniversary party, and Dan's waiting on me to bring back the food. It was really great meeting you though!" The girls squealed and congratulated Phil on three years, walking away and talking together excitedly, shooting looks back at Phil. 

He sighed in relief, making his way to the checkout. That had gone much better than he expected. He bought the food and alcohol, then took a taxi back to the flat. 

When he opened the door he could hear Anna crying, and even though he knew that Dan would be helping her, his pace quickened until she was within his line of sight. His worries were quickly calmed when he walked into the living room to see Dan bouncing her lightly as she calmed down, a Winnie the Pooh children's book at his side. Phil smiled at them, and walked over to give Dan a small but warm half-hug before going into the kitchen to put things away. 

When he returned, Anna was asleep in Dan's arms, and he was holding her as if her arms were a cradle, looking down at her with love in her eyes. Phil laughed inwardly for a moment. The 'phandom' was obsessed with what they had called 'heart eyes Howell', naming the look Dan sometimes gave Phil in videos. If only they could see the way he looked at Anna. 

This gave Phil an idea, and he whipped out his phone, getting just the right angle, and snapping a photo of the two. Dan was too entranced with his child to realize Phil had even entered the room again, much less that he was being photographed. Phil looked at the picture and smiled. You could fully see the adoration in Dan's eyes, as well as the calm sweetness of Anna's sleeping face. He went to the caption and put some thought into it, eventually typing out,

'Dan thinks he's the only one who can take cute candid photos. I honestly can't decide who's more beautiful in this photo. Okay, I lied, it's Anna. But I think I've found the true Heart eyes Howell, and excuse me while my heart melts through my chest.' 

He posted the photo, then made his way to Dan's side, wrapping an arm around his friend and pulling him close. Dan instinctively leaned his head over and onto Phil's shoulder, and they just stared at their daughter for a while. Eventually, Dan got up to set her back into the crib and pulled out his phone. Phil watched as Dan's expression became slightly confused, and then full of adoration.

"Your heart is melting through your chest, huh?" He smiled only slightly teasingly at Phil, who smiled right back.

"Maybe a bit." Dan walked over and put his hand to Phil's chest, as if to hold his heart inside, then pulled his friend in for a hug. 

"I'm so glad I have you." Dan whispered in Phil's ear, and Phil felt a light shudder run through his body at the air flowing into his ear.

"Me too." Phil returned, hugging back. When they pulled away, their hands came together and their fingers laced as they sat on the sofa and turned on The Office. After the movie last night, they both decided they missed Pam Beasley. Before the episode started, Phil turned to Dan. 

"We really need to get a picture of her smiling. Show off her dimples to the world." At the mention of Anna's dimples, Dan showed his own, grinning hugely. Phil could see just how proud Dan was that his daughter had inherited this trait, and Phil rested his head on his friend's shoulder, enjoying the bit of calm and TV, making idle chit chat. Phil informed Dan of the two girls he had met at the store, and reassured his friend that everything had gone smoothly, to which Dan relaxed. They both relaxed actually, nearly falling asleep to the show, enjoying this respite before their friends showed up that evening.

Louise was the first to show, just a bit after 5:15. Dan and Phil welcomed her in, and Phil hadn't realized how much he had missed her, and all their friends for that matter. She congratulated them, to which they somewhat awkwardly thanked her, unsure if she was referring to Anna, coming out, or their 'anniversary' tomorrow. She immediately saw the crib and rushed to it, quiet so as not to wake Anna, but fawning over the baby and telling Dan and Phil how adorable their child was. As if they didn't already know.

After about fifteen minutes of listening to Louise coo at their baby, she turned and faced them, an accusatory expression on her face.

"How long have we been friends? How many times have I told you two awfully embarrassing things about myself? How many times have I kept little secrets of yours? How many times have I asked if you two were _you two_?" Phil blushed, feeling as if he was being scolded by his mother, and was glad when Dan took over.

"Louise, it's not real. We actually wanted you Peej and Chris here tonight, because aside from our families, you're the only ones we're telling."

"I'm sorry, what?" Louise asked, thrown from her accusatory look, and Phil explained.

"Well... we have a baby. And there's already so much drama with our viewers about us being together, and this was just adding more, and we figured that if we told them they were right and that "Phan is real", over time it'd actually help it to calm down. And it has, actually." Louise slowly nodded, taking this in, and then shrugged.

"I don't think I'll ever understand the two of you, but if you're happy, who am I to tell you you're wrong?" The two men smiled, appreciative at how accepting Louise is. 

PJ and Chris arrived together about an hour later, and their explanation wasn't as understood by these two men, which Dan and Phil had expected. They were teased, and Chris pulled up some of their recent videos and their Instagram posts of Anna.

"You're kidding, right? Trying to save face now?" Dan sighed, and Phil smiled in defeat. They both knew that it was too much to hope for that Chris and PJ would believe them, and they were accepting of the fact that they didn't, agreeing to disagree. Phil went into the kitchen and whipped up a huge pot of pasta for the group in the living room, bringing it back out with a bottle of wine and glasses that he returned in a second trip with. They all sat around the room, drinking, eating, and laughing. So what if two of their friends thought they were together, they were still able to have fun, and other than a little joke here and there which honestly happened almost as much even before they made their announcement, everything was normal. 

After dinner, Phil heard Anna begin to cry, and started to stand, but Dan was closer, lifting their baby out of the crib, assessing the situation, and deciding she was hungry. He disappeared into the kitchen with Anna, and reappeared a minute later with a bottle of formula and a rag over his shoulder. He fed her, and Phil instinctively made his way to Dan's side, putting a hand on Dan's far shoulder. He was too entranced by their baby to notice PJ and Chris exchanging a triumphant glance, and Louise looking at them with a surprised, yet understanding look in her eye.

After Anna was fed and burped, their friends took turns coming up to greet her, though Dan and Phil were both hesitant to let anyone else actually hold her. She'd never been held by anyone besides the two of them since the day she was born, and the thought scared Phil. He could see in Dan's face that his friend felt the same fear, and was grateful when their friends respected their wish to keep her in their own arms as she was introduced to each of the three. 

When Louise came up to say hi to her, Anna's eyes lit up, and Phil knew she loved Louise. A huge smile formed across Anna's face, and Phil got the same feeling of his heart leaping into his throat, causing him to get slightly choked up as he watched his baby grin, dimples forming on her cheeks. Louise looked up at them in surprise and what Phil could only describe as giddyness, and he and Dan smiled at her, then looked at each other, sharing this precious moment with their baby. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan from behind, resting his chin on his friend's shoulder as he gazed down at Anna. The moment was broken only a few seconds later, when Chris pointed out what had just happened.

"Um... so you're still going with that 'we're not actually together' story? Or have you given up this fast?" Chris grinned, and PJ laughed a bit, looking at his friends approvingly.

"You know we're not going to judge you. You're super cute together." PJ added. This time Phil did notice as Louise gave them another look, somehow confused yet understanding at the same time.

"No... we're not together." Phil protested, removing himself from Dan. "We just... we've been spending a lot of time together - even more than usual, and we were already acting coupley for the videos, so we've just kind of grown used to it." He knew it was a bit of a white lie, and he saw Dan look at him, eyebrows raising. Why had he said that? The plan was to be honest with their friends. Something in him just felt a bit guilty and embarrassed, as if what they had been doing was wrong, and the actual story of how Phil had suggested cuddling to give them each a feeling of being close to someone was something he wasn't supposed to have done.

Chris and PJ's eyebrows raised, and Chris turned to PJ.

"They really _are_ going to try to deny it. They must think we're blind."

"Or they are." PJ tagged on. "Because I don't really care what you tell yourselves, you two are together." Phil's eyebrows furrowed together, confused as to what PJ could mean by that. Louise chuckled softly, and Phil saw Dan look over at her in protest.

"Not you too!" She stifled a chuckle, looking up at Dan and Phil.

"I'm sorry, no I believe you. I told you I believe you. I just... think there might be some truth to what he said." Phil was still slightly confused by that, but they soon dropped the subject and put Anna in her crib to fall asleep, returning to their wine. Eventually Chris and PJ left, Chris making a sarcastic comment to Dan that he'd better not live up to all the fanfiction and be a submissive bottom, PJ escorting him out of the house, shooting back an apologetic glance. 

Louise stood up, getting her things together, and then returned two men. She smiled understandingly again, and raised up on her tiptoes to give each of them a kiss on the cheek as she hugged them goodbye. They walked her to the door, and before leaving she turned to each of them, reaching out to comfortingly hold their upper arms. "You two are idiots." She said affectionately, and then she was gone. Phil looked at Dan questioningly, who just shrugged and headed back into the living room.

They were both exhausted and brought Anna back into Dan's room where they crawled into bed. Phil relaxed, appreciative of the mattress after spending last night on the couch. He turned to Dan, and pulled him in until their bodies were flush and Phil's arms were wrapped around his friend, Dan's hands against Phil's chest. Phil settled his chin onto Dan's hair, and then on a whim tilted his head down to give Dan a kiss on the top of his head. Their legs intertwined, and Phil felt all the stress rush out of him. He began thinking back over the day with their friends, and mulled it over for a long time, before quietly whispering just in case Dan was already asleep,

"Dan?"

"Yeah?" Dan tilted his head a bit, and Phil moved his own head backwards so that they could look each other in the eyes, Dan looking up at Phil. 

"What do you think PJ meant? About us being blind?" Dan blinked slowly, letting out a breathy laugh.

"He was just being an idiot." Dan pushed the question to the side, curling back into Phil's chest. 

"Like we are... according to Louise? What did that mean?" Phil felt Dan laugh again and shake his head slightly.

"I'm starting to think that maybe PJ was right. Maybe you are blind." Dan joked, and Phil sighed. He wouldn't push any further to figure it out, but he still wanted to make his friend feel a little bad for keeping something from him that Dan obviously understood.

"I hate you." Phil said unconvincingly.

"You love me, shut up." Dan replied sleepily.

"I do."

"Love you too, Philly. Goodnight."

"Night, Dan."


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, guys. That's all, I'm so sorry

Three months passed.

These three months felt like a beautiful high. Everything was going well, Phil was happy, Dan was happy, Anna was happy, and life was good. Their viewers online were getting more and more supportive by the day, and Dan and Phil were closer than ever. Phil didn't know exactly when, but at some point their kisses that they'd plant on each other's hair turned into each other's foreheads, and this somehow felt even more intimate and filled Phil with a sweetness and joy only surpassed by his moments with Anna. Dan and Phil's families both visited at different times throughout these three months, and doted on Anna. Dan had been right, neither of their families believed them about the relationship being a lie, but they didn't seem to care, so neither did Dan and Phil.

Everything was going so well, but all good things must come to an end.

At least Phil saw this one coming. He knew it'd be a hard day, and when he awoke to the bed cold, hearing soft sobs from the next room, he drew in a deep breath and went to comfort Dan.

He found Dan, as he expected, looking at the same picture he had found him looking at months earlier. The picture of the first day they had met Alice. Phil felt a knot form in his stomach as he thought of what this day meant.

Today would have been Alice's birthday. Not only was today, November 14th, her birthday, it was also the day Dan and Phil had met her. 

He remembered that day in late 2011. PJ and Chris had won a bet about some silly thing, Phil thought it was which dog would win an agility course on TV, but he didn't remember that part all too clearly. He did remember, however, that the bet entailed that PJ and Chris would get to choose what they did that night, and they ended up dragging Dan and Phil out to a club. Not just any club, a male strip club. PJ and Chris were having a blast, partying and drinking, but neither Dan nor Phil were huge on clubs, and this one was crowded and _loud._ Nearly immediately after making their way into the club, Dan and Phil sought out the least-occupied space, finding a couch wedged into the corner of a side room where it was a bit quieter and there was only one small girl there, slowly sipping a drink with a tiara reading '21' on her head. She looked miserable.

Dan and Phil sat down on the couch, and Phil turned to the girl, mostly out of obligation. It was a small couch, and they had to sit fairly close to her, so not saying at least 'hi' felt rude.

"Hey." he had said.

"Hey." she returned, kind, yet subdued.

"You doing alright?" Phil inquired, feeling bad for this sad girl holed away in this club.

"Yeah... sort of I guess. This isn't really where I'd have chosen to spend my 21st birthday... but my friends insisted on surprising me, so here I am." she laughed a bit sickly, stirring her drink with the two small straws.

"Well it sounds like you need some better friends." Phil had joked, trying to turn the smile into a genuine one. 

"Happy birthday by the way, I'm Dan." Dan had chimed in, and Phil introduced himself as well. She told them her name was Alice, and they talked for about thirty minutes, having to halfway shout over the music. Eventually she located her friends to find that one was going home with one of the dancers and the rest were absolutely sloshed, and she decided to leave. Dan and Phil had also decided to take off, Chris and PJ were nowhere to be found and they didn't want to spend any more time here than they already had.

They walked out of the club together, and Dan and Phil walked to the curb to hail a taxi when they noticed Alice walking slowly, arms wrapped around herself, down the street. Phil shot a concerned look to Dan, and they followed her, jogging slightly to catch up.

"Hey... Alice... you're not walking home, are you?" she had looked up at him, and he noticed tears in her eyes. Tears that she probably hadn't expected anyone to see, as they'd already said their goodbyes. She had wiped them away shakily, saying that yes she was fine, it'd just been a long night and her head hurt. Phil took her tiara off for her, and looking at it in disgust, she had snapped it in half and thrown it in a bin on the sidewalk. She admitted that yes, she was going to walk home. It was only about fifteen blocks, and she didn't have much money for a cab. This was where Dan intervened, saying there was no way they were letting her walk home alone. This was one of the sketchier parts of town, and a girl walking alone in the dead of night was recipe for disaster. 

Even though Dan and Phil were ridiculously unfit and probably couldn't fight off some elementary school kids, they were tall men and they knew it was unlikely they'd get harassed. So they walked with Alice back to her small flat, and by the end of the walk her face was dry, and they actually managed to get some small laughs out of her. When they reached the door, she invited them in for tea, and they accepted. They chatted for a few hours, her learning about YouTube and making them show her a few videos, and them learning that she was a painter. They saw some of her work, and it was mostly abstract which wasn't Phil's favorite style, but hers were beautiful. Her pieces were the sort of art that you could look at for hours and still find new things you hadn't noticed before.

Her mood lightened throughout this time, but Phil could still see a sadness behind her eyes, and eventually he asked her about it. After some coaxing, she admitted that the friend who went home with the male dancer at the club was her best friend of seven years, and that she had been hiding the fact that she had fallen for her years ago. Apparently Alice had planned to tell her tonight, hoping that the high of her 21st birthday would give her the confidence, but seeing her friend grind with the nearly naked man had, understandably, set her off. 

Dan and Phil sat with her, listening, for hours. Eventually they stopped talking about this girl and moved on to lighter subjects, Alice seeming to have gotten what she needed off her chest, and then they were bonding over their mutual love of anime and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. At about 3am they started a marathon of Buffy. They took a selfie together of them all eating out of a popcorn bowl, and yes the lighting was awful, and yes Dan and Phil had huge bags under their eyes, sweat on their foreheads, and Dan's hair had started to curl at the tips from moisture, and yes Alice's makeup had run all over her face and she had streams of black running down her cheeks, but they were all smiling, and it wasn't until 5am found both Dan and Alice passed out on her couch that Phil turned off the TV, covering Alice in a blanket that was draped over a chair in the room, and then fell asleep himself.

Phil felt the knot in his stomach work its way up into his throat as he held back his own tears, sitting down next to Dan and wrapping his arms around his friend, looking at that picture from years ago. They all looked so young. Alice looked so young, and he wondered how long it'd be until Anna began looking similar, because something in Phil just knew that she'd grow up to be the spitting image of her mother, with just a few bits of Dan in there as well.

Eventually the phone screen went black, and neither of them did anything to turn it back on, Dan eventually laying it on the coffee table in front of them and turning into Phil's chest, soaking it with tears. Phil's own tears had started long ago, and his small sobs were catching in his throat. Anna began to cry, and Phil brought her in with them, changing her diaper, but she continued to cry. He fed her and she kept crying, and somehow it just seemed so appropriate. Here they were, Phil having returned to Dan's side, Dan crying into his shoulder, him crying into Dan's hair, holding their wailing child. Today was not a good day.

Eventually Anna went to sleep, and eventually Phil's tears stopped, and then Dan's did as well, and they were just quiet. It wasn't the tense awful silence that had consumed them right after Alice's death, but it was more of a silence of helplessness. There was nothing they could do but mourn. The day passed slowly, and when night came Phil threw some cereal in a bowl, not having the energy for anything else. He and Dan ate, and then their minds must have just aligned, because without any words spoken, Phil brought Anna's crib into the living room and sat on the couch, as Dan lit a candle he had set out. They sat in silence, staring at the flickering candle. Phil realized there had never been a funeral. Alice's parents had died, he knew, when she was about nineteen, and the rest of her family was distant, and he supposed no one had taken it upon themselves to put one together. He felt guilty, should he have done that? Once again, he and Dan's minds must have been in the same place, as Dan began to speak slowly, staring at the candle.

"You saved my life. You made me smile, you made me laugh. Even when all I wanted to do was cry. You understood me, and I understood you. Our friendship was easy, and I loved you. God, I loved you. I still love you... and I miss you." Dan's words started to become choppy as he got choked up. "I miss you so much. I'll never forget your smile, or your laugh. I'll never forget how much you always just wanted the people around you to be happy. Thank you. You saved my life, and I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry that I couldn't have saved yours." The last few words were barely a whisper, and Phil felt as if his throat were completely plugged up, but he knew it was his turn to speak, and he had to. He had to for Alice.

"You were the sister I never had. I looked up to you so much, and I still do. I don't think...." Phil's breath hitched, but he forced himself to continue. "I don't think I'll ever regret anything more than the last few months of your life. We were distant. We used to see each other all the time, but in the last three or four months I think I only saw you five or six times. Our conversations were sweet as always, but they ended quicker than they had. I think I was at fault for that. I would do _anything_ to go back. To just get to hear your voice one more time." His voice was cracking but he didn't care. "I think the only thing I can do to try to make up for that is to try to bring out in Anna the beauty that we all saw in you. Try to raise her to be as kind, as caring, as generous as you were. Nothing could make me happier than that, and I promise you that I'll do whatever I can to show the world your spirit through your daughter. I love you, Alice. Goodbye."

Both he and Dan were were crying now. And not the soft crying from before, these sobs were large and ugly and wet, they were hiccuping, and snot was everywhere but they didn't care. They sobbed until there were no tears left that they could cry, so they just sat there, cheeks still wet, staring at the candle that was now melted low. 

It was then that they heard the knock. 

It was an angry knock, loud and fast, and it didn't stop until Phil had made it to the door. He didn't even bother to wipe away his tears, as he opened it to reveal Michelle. 

Phil stepped back, slightly shocked. They hadn't seen or heard from Michelle since the day in the hospital, save one email they got from her after they had sent her a picture of Anna about a week after her birth, reminding Michelle that she could visit anytime and they'd give her updates whenever she wanted. She had replied telling them to fuck off and how dare they show her the baby and remind her of Alice, telling them to never talk to her again, and that she wanted _nothing_ to do with the baby. Dan and Phil hadn't responded. That had been almost five months ago, so Phil was confused as to why she was here and storming up the stairs into their apartment. He followed her quickly, and could smell the scent of alcohol she left behind. 

He heard the yelling before he entered the room, and turned to see Dan stood in front of the crib, shielding it from the mess of a woman who was trying to grab at their baby. Her hair was matted, her eyes were puffy and dark, her clothes were too big and reeked, and she definitely had had too much to drink. She was screaming at Dan.

"How DARE you take my baby away from me? I'M THE ONE WHO FUCKING CARRIED HER FOR NINE MONTHS! I'M THE ONE WHO BOUGHT ALL THIS SHIT FOR HER!" She threw out a hand, knocking a toy off the table which, no, she hadn't bought, they had bought for Anna a few months ago. 

"And what the FUCK is this?" She screamed, hand flying into the candle which Phil was extremely relieved went out before hitting the couch, though they'd probably have a nasty wax burn left on there. "You think you have ANY right to Alice? She was MINE! Not yours, MINE! YOU'RE THE REASON SHE'S GONE!" Phil looked at Dan in horror, and saw that Dan still had tears streaming down his face, but his expression was hard now.

"You need to leave." He said slowly and quietly, and Phil knew it was taking all his energy to stay calm right now.

"Now." He continued, staring down at Michelle. 

"GIVE ME MY FUCKING BABY!" Michelle screamed, and Phil stepped next to Dan, providing more of a shield for Anna from the woman who was obviously a hazard. Anna had began screaming, though, and Phil went back behind Dan and held her, holding her against his chest, facing away from Michelle to block Anna from her, only turning his head so he could keep an eye on the disheveled woman. 

"She's. Not. Your. Baby." Dan said slowly, separating the words as if he were trying to get a point across to a small child who didn't quite grasp language yet. Or maybe he was just trying to hold back from screaming. Probably both.

"Oh, and what? You two are her daddies now?" Michelle's tone was cruel now, trying to get a rise out of them. "You little faggots stole my baby, and now you're just playing house and acting like everything's fine?"

"What the fuck, Michelle?" Phil snapped. "You said you didn't want any contact. We offered. You refused. Now you don't _get_ to know her. I'm sorry but not like this. She's our baby."

"OH, SHE'S YOURS? THAT'S FUCKING RICH!" Michelle was back to yelling. "AT LEAST THIS ONE HERE FUCKED HIMSELF INTO A CUP! WHAT DID YOU DO? HOW IS SHE _YOUR_ BABY?" Phil didn't want them to, but these words stung a bit. He didn't want to let her get to him, but he did sometimes wish he was more concretely connected to Anna. Yes, his name was the one on the adoption papers, but compared to Dan, Phil sometimes felt as if he didn't quite have the right to call her his baby. He had never told Dan that, but the thought had plagued him here and there. 

"Michelle, I'm telling you, you have to leave. Get some help, get sober. Then maybe we can talk. But not now. Not like this. I'm not letting you near my baby." Dan's tone was cold, and it scared Phil a bit. He heard sirens, and he never thought in his life that he'd hope the sirens were for him. 

It turned out they were. By some miracle, Dan and Phil's neighbors had heard screaming and called the cops, and soon the policemen were knocking at their door and taking Michelle away. They asked a few questions and then left, promising Dan and Phil that Michelle was going to be questioned and most likely put into treatment. The minute the cops were gone, all the bravado and strength Dan had embodied just seconds before left him, and he collapsed onto the couch in tears. Phil sat next to him, holding the still crying baby, and rubbed Dan's back with one hand as he bounced the baby, sobbing quietly himself. 

Yes, all good things had to come to an end, but this was worse than he had prepared himself for. Phil placed the candle back on the table, and sure enough there was wax stuck to the couch. Oh well, they could deal with that another time. Phil cried. Dan cried. Anna cried, but eventually fell asleep, and then Dan and Phil made their way back to Dan's room, but they didn't sleep. They didn't talk either, just laid next to each other, and held hands, which seemed to be all the contact either of them could muster. Phil did make an effort to make circles on the back of Dan's hand, and when Dan squeezed Phil's hand in response, he knew to keep going. Hours into the night, Dan spoke. 

"What you said was nice. To Alice, I mean. I do want to raise Anna to be like her. Like we get to keep a little of her with us."

"What you said was nice too, Dan. I know how much she meant to you." Phil heard a choked sob catch in Dan's throat and wondered if he should continue, but pushed the thought aside, finishing his sentence. "I know how much she meant to you, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you lost her."

After a long pause, Dan replied.

"I'm just glad I have you, Phil. If I didn't... well... I'm just glad I have you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Dan." They stopped talking after this. They didn't sleep, they just lay there in silence, Phil's thumb making circles on Dan's hand, both men staring at the ceiling.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay yeah so I've given up on that whole not putting notes thing. It's just too hard not to!   
> After last chapter, I thought I owed you guys some fluff, so be ready for your heart to melt :D  
> I really shouldn't write past 1am, my brain gets sleepy and all I can write is super sappy fluff xD  
> Also one more thing, I'm sorry that D&P's parents aren't too present in this fic. If you guys want me to change that I will, but so far I just haven't quite felt their need in the story. I do sometimes feel like leaving them out is leaving out something important though, so let me know what you think :)

The next day was hell.

Dan and Phil were both exhausted after getting not a wink of sleep the night before, and today was the day that Anna chose to stop being such a quiet, calm baby, and instead screamed her head off for hours on end. They had some earplugs in the house, and around noon Phil had emotionally exhausted himself from the day previous, and Dan suggested he use the earplugs and try to get in a nap while Dan tried to soothe Anna. Phil fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow, and when he woke up he had no idea how much time had passed. Checking his phone and reading 4:15, Phil panicked a bit, but the house was quiet so he figured that was a good sign. He rolled to his side in Dan's bed, and saw a note on the end table. 

**Phil**

**Anna's nose was running really badly and then she threw up, so I'm taking her to hospital just to make sure everything's alright. You looked so peaceful sleeping, and I know you needed the rest, so I didn't wake you. I know you're probably mad at me for not waking you up, but trust me we'll be okay. If you want to come, just text me and I'll have my phone on and you can come meet us at hospital.**

**Love, Dan**

Phil immediately scrambled for his phone. Dan had been right, he was mad. Anna was going to hospital because she might be sick for the first time, and Dan hadn't even bothered to wake him? The voice in the back of Phil's head reminded him that there probably wasn't anything he could have done that Dan wasn't able to do himself, but Phil ignored it, choosing to be mad at his best friend. Phil typed out a message hurriedly as he raced down the steps to the pavement.

**(4:19) Phil: what room are you in**

Phil knew that Dan would pick up on his lack of punctuation or capitalization. While that was normal for Dan, Phil was an English major and his texts were always conventionally correct. He hoped it would tip Dan off that he was angry. His anger only got worse as he hailed a taxi and made it all the way to the hospital without a response. He went into the A&E ward, and looked around. He made his way to reception and gave them his name and Dan and Anna's names, and the woman directed him to room 118. He made his way there.

When he arrived outside of the room, he felt his anger at Dan melt slightly, as he looked in the window. Anna was on a small bed, and a doctor was sitting with her, a small monitor on her chest. Dan was slumped in a chair, sound asleep. Phil's anger almost entirely evaporated as he watched his friend, happy that he was getting rest. Honestly, what Dan had done wasn't all that bad, he left a note, and Phil may have done the same if he had been in Dan's shoes. Honestly, he should be thanking his friend. First he allowed Phil to get some much needed sleep, and then when things went south he brought their daughter to the hospital and made sure to tell Phil all about what happened. Now Phil was just feeling guilty and lazy for not taking care of more today.

He made his way into the room, and the doctor looked up at him. The man's eyes glanced towards Dan, then back at Phil and he mouthed 'Phil?' to which Phil nodded. He liked this doctor already, letting Dan sleep. He made his way over to the chair next to Dan's, and leaned against his friend's shoulder. The doctor looked up at them with a small smile, and whispered as he explained the current status.

"She's fine, just a small cold. Gonna prescribe some medicine that you'll just mix in with her formula for three days or so. Honestly I'm not doing anything now, he just seemed exhausted when I got here and I don't have any other patients right now, so I figured I'd wait as long as I could and keep an eye on this one so he could get some sleep. She's got beautiful eyes, by the way." Phil smiled.

"What's your name?" he asked the doctor.

"Trent Rothsberg." he responded, and Phil made a mental note to request Trent anytime they had to come back in the future. 

"Thank you, Trent."

"You're welcome. Now that you're here, though, I think I may go get some lunch if that's okay. She should be fine, here's the pills to crush up and mix in her formula." Trent handed Phil a small bottle of pills and a sheet of paper with instructions printed. "Whenever this one wakes up or you decide to wake him, feel free to leave, you're all checked out already."

"Thank you." Trent nodded at Phil, and left. Phil picked his sleeping daughter off the bed, and returned to the seat next to Dan. 

He waited as long as he could, he really did. But after twenty or so minutes, the smell of hospital combined with yesterday combined with the fact that Anna was in his arms and looked so much like Alice, Phil was starting to get lost in a downward spiral of thoughts about their late friend, and he didn't want to become that sobbing mess he had been yesterday. It had been important to get that emotion out, but now Phil was exhausted and had no interest in reviving any of those feelings today. 

He nudged Dan awake, who sleepily blinked his eyes a few times, remembering where he was, then looked up at Phil with real worry in his eyes.

"Are you mad at me?" And the last shred of annoyance Phil had felt towards Dan disappeared, as he pulled his friend in for a half-hug, still holding their baby, and planted a kiss on Dan's forehead.

"At first, yes. Now, no. Thank you for taking care of our baby, Dan." And Phil actually felt Dan's sigh of relief. 

They made their way back to the flat and looked over the pill instructions, just to be sure that they both understood. It was fairly straightforward, they just had to crush one pill into a powder for each bottle, and just make sure that she drank the pill-mixed formula for three days. If she still had symptoms, they were supposed to continue the pills for two more days, and if after the fifth day symptoms persisted, they should bring her back in to the doctor. 

After making sure they both understood this and it was beat into their minds well enough that they would remember even if they were only half awake as they fed Anna, they put the pills on top of the formula powder just as a last reminder, each ate a granola bar, then headed to bed. It was only 6:53, but they were both exhausted. 

"Thank you for not being mad. I'm sorry I missed your text." Dan said when they were lying down, and Phil smiled at his friend, ruffling his hair. Phil decided that was response enough, and decided to change the subject.

"I like your curls. I'm glad you don't straighten your hair anymore."

"Think you'll ever stop dyeing your hair?"

"God no, I'm sticking with the black. I look awful with brown hair. See, it's different for you because you actually look better with your curls." Dan shoved Phil playfully.

"Shut up, Philly." Dan smiled as he pulled Phil to him, Phil burying himself in Dan's warmth. 

"I love you." He mumbled into Dan's shirt.

"What?" Phil pulled his face away a bit so he could look up at his friend who craned his neck to look down at Phil.

"I said I love you." he was rewarded with a smile. It started small, but then spread until Dan's dimples shone through, and Phil couldn't help grinning too.

"I love you too, Philly." Dan pulled Phil back, and he was back in the warm darkness of Dan's chest, nuzzled perfectly under his friend's chin, who tilted his head to place a kiss on Phil's hair. "You spork." Dan added, and Phil laughed slightly, drifting into sleep.

 

A month passed.

 

Anna had gotten over her cold quickly, and had gone back to being the calm baby she usually was. Phil couldn't believe how lucky he had gotten with her. She was truly the perfect baby. It was now December 20th, and Dan and Phil were preparing for their first Christmas with Anna. The plan was that on the 22nd they'd head to Phil's, spend the night there, go to Dan's on the 23rd, spend the night, back to their flat for Christmas eve, and then have Christmas day to themselves. Phil was a bit nervous about traveling with Anna, but Dan reminded him that it was going to have to happen someday, and that eased Phil's mind.

For some reason, that type of reasoning always helped to calm him down. Like when he met the girls at the grocery store. If he knew he was going to have to deal with something sooner or later, it helped him to deal with it on the sooner side. Dan knew this about Phil, and Phil appreciated that his friend knew him well enough to be able to calm him down. There was one more thing that Phil was nervous for, and he tried to use the same tactic to calm his nerves about this. Tonight they were supposed to do a live show. 

It'd be the first live show either of them had done in a little over half a year, since Anna was now six months and five days old, so obviously they had to do it together. Phil was nervous, because the live shows had a more relaxed feel, so he and Dan would have some pressure on themselves to act more naturally coupley. He laughed at himself slightly while he thought about this, recognizing that they already did act like a couple practically, besides the kissing, and that piece of the worry left his mind. The really tricky part was... well... the _live_ factor. There could be no editing, no breaks to talk to Dan about what they were going to say. They had to react on the spot, and if something went wrong, there was no way out. Phil also knew there'd be tons of questions for them, as well as most likely tons of requests for them to kiss, or to see Anna. 

All their fans had seen of Anna so far were Instagram photos. The one with Phil booping her nose, the one with Dan holding her, one that they got of her in her crib with a huge smile (this one the fans freaked out over more than anything else, unable to contain their excitement at this shared trait between her and Dan), and one photo Phil had gotten of Dan raising her high up in the air as she reached down to grab his hair, both smiling hugely. It was adorable and Phil loved getting to share his pride with his audience.

Phil was setting up for their liveshow when Dan entered the room, carrying Anna's crib. He placed it out of shot and situated himself next to Phil, his right arm holding him up from behind Phil as he leaned and rested his head on Phil's shoulder. Phil tweeted out that they were going live, making sure to put in a warning that no, they would not be showing Anna off today, and they pressed the button to start.

The first few minutes were just hellos, greeting fans. Their audience was going crazy about the fact that Dan hadn't moved his head from resting on Phil's shoulder, and the two men smiled, sharing a quick look. Phil breathed a sigh of relief. This wouldn't be so bad. He had Dan, and this whole fake relationship thing was very easy to do. Honestly, Phil generally forgot that they were even trying to keep something up, instead just allowing himself to be more natural, and it all seemed to work out. 

They answered a few questions about Christmas, told a story about a movie they had seen recently, confirmed that yes they were going home to see their families for the holidays, and tried desperately to ignore all the comments demanding that they kiss. One fan asked which of the dad's last names Anna had, and Dan took this question.

"Neither, actually. Her last name is Murphy. She has the last name of one of the women who was originally supposed to have her. She..." Dan glanced at Phil. They had never really discussed how much to tell their fans. They knew that when Alice was alive she didn't want to be hounded by the internet, but in death would she mind the internet knowing a bit about her? Dan seemed to decide that it was okay, as long as he didn't give specifics, as he continued. "She died right before Anna was born which was why the other woman couldn't keep her. We kept her last name as a memorial." Sympathy poured through the screen at them, but Dan and Phil quickly moved on, searching to find another question that wasn't a request for them to kiss. This one must have spurted out of the topic of Anna's names.

'what's Anna's middle name?' the question read, and Phil looked at Dan in shock.

"We... never gave her one. Sh....eesh we need to do that." Phil caught himself before he swore.

"Yeah... we really do. Hey, maybe you guys can help! Tell you what, if you guys can come up with a middle name that we like for Anna in the next... Three minutes... I'll give you what you want." Dan said, winking at the camera and then looking over at Phil who stared at his friend in horror. What else could Dan be referring to other than the tidal wave of demands that they kiss? He shook off his shock, knowing his friend would never do something like that on a liveshow, especially without discussing it first, and tried to put the worry out of his mind as they began to wade through comments of middle names. 

Of course there were the troll comments, and Dan read out a few of them, keeping commentary. "Ooh, 'Arsefacey', original. See someone's been watching our Impossible Quiz playthrough! 'Meme'... while it's truly accurate to her dad, I'm not sure I want to give my kid permanent internet trash branding before she can even talk. 'Wait for it'... is that a How I Met Your Mother reference? 'Ann'... don't you think that's just a bit redundant? Louise..." at this suggestion, Dan raised his eyes to Phil. Their noses almost brushed, as Dan had still had his head resting on Phil's shoulder, and Phil was tempted to look at the computer screen, but kept his eyes locked with Dan's.

"Should we ask her? It actually sounds kind of perfect... rolls of the tongue well. 'Anna Louise Murphy'. Phil nodded thoughtfully, and Dan pulled out his phone, calling Louise. She picked up after a few rings.

"Dan?"

"Hi, Louise, you're with me and Phil and 56 thousand viewers on our liveshow! We have a kind of big question to ask you."

"Yeah, well go on."

"Would you mind if named our child after you? Her middle name, I mean." Phil asked.

There was no response for a moment, and Phil almost began to repeat himself, before he heard that Louise was actually getting a bit choked up on the other end of the phone.

"Are you kidding me? Of course you can! I love your baby, I'm honored."

"Thanks, Lousie." Dan threw in. "We're gonna go now, you should come over here after Christmas."

"You couldn't keep me away." Louise said warmly, and her voice was thick with emotion. Phil smiled. They had spent more time with Louise lately, and she was the only girl Anna ever saw, and they loved each other. It seemed fitting for Anna to have Louise's name as her own. She really was like Anna's aunt, and Phil was so glad they had her in their life and to share with their daughter. 

Dan and Phil began searching for another question, before they were flooded with comments demanding that Dan live up to his promise of giving the viewers what they wanted. Phil had entirely forgotten, actually, and by the look on Dan's face, he had as well. Dan turned his head to Phil, a mischievous smile on his face. 

"Trust me." he whispered to Phil softly, so the camera wouldn't pick up, then leaned in slowly, cupping his hand to the side of Phil's cheek that was facing the camera. He moved slowly, and Phil was getting nervous about what Dan was going for, before Dan quickly moved his head to the side, planting a kiss on Phil's cheek. Phil actually began to laugh with relief, shoving his friend. 

"You're an idiot." he said affectionately, and Dan retorted,

"but you still love me, Philly." Phil's eyes widened and so did Dan's. They hadn't intended to say that. Not that there was necessarily anything wrong with it, they were sure that in this false relationship their viewers thought they had, they had told each other they loved each other, and they told each other that platonically all the time, but it had been unplanned and it shocked both of the men. They recovered quickly enough, but the comments were absolutely destroyed for the next ten minutes. Between Dan kissing Phil on the cheek and then saying Phil loved him, calling him 'Philly', their fans were freaking out. 

They took this time to simply tell their fans what they had gotten Anna for Christmas - some new dresses and shoes, a new and larger crib they'd keep in the bedroom so that she could sleep in a larger crib and only use their small one that was portable while she was in the rest of the house, a few new books, a mobile, and a shaker. Eventually their fans calmed down, and they had a fairly normal end to their stream, cutting it off at forty minutes when Anna began to cry. 

"Well, it was a bit bumpy, but it could have gone much worse." Phil remarked, and Dan smiled back at him, agreeing as he laid Anna down to change her diaper. "You kissed my cheek." Phil stated. "You had me scared for a minute there." Dan laughed.

"You know me, Philly, I'd never do something I didn't think you were comfortable with on camera. And kissing you? Sorry, but I think you let your fantasies take a hold of you there." Dan shot Phil a wink, teasing him. 

"Hey, how did you know I'd be comfortable with you kissing my cheek? We've never done that before." Dan stopped at that, thinking.

"I suppose you're right. I guess I forgot, just seemed natural I guess. Sorry if that was weird." Dan apologized.

"No... I didn't mind it, just surprised me is all." Dan nodded, taking this new allowance in their boundaries in as he finished changing Anna.

"Movie?"

"Titanic?"

"You know me so well." Dan fake swooned, as he picked Anna up and carried her into the living room, Phil following close behind. They sat down on the couch, and Dan put Anna in the crib which Phil had placed right next to them. Dan leaned against the arm of the couch, spreading his legs and tapping the space between them. Phil made his way there, leaning back against Dan's stomach, turning slightly on his side so he could see the TV. Dan absently ran his fingers through Phil's hair as the movie played, and Phil made little circles on Dan's arm with his fingers.

He thought back to a year ago. How they hugged sometimes, but not for long, and they'd never imagine doing anything like this. Now Phil felt strange when he _wasn't_ touching Dan in some way. Nothing comforted him more than his best friend, and he felt his heart warm with love for Dan.

"I love you Dan."

"Where'd that come from?"

"I don't know. Just thinking about how much has changed in the past six months. It's been hard... but I don't regret any of it. And I wouldn't want anyone else with me through this. I'm so happy I have you, Dan. That's all." 

"I wouldn't want anyone else in this with me either, Philly. Love you too." Phil smiled, sinking into Dan, allowing his mind to be taken away and into the movie, no longer worrying about the trip to come.

By the end of the movie, Phil was nearly asleep. It was a three hour long movie, and as much as he loved it he had seen it dozens of times, and he was exhausted. He was in that space between sleep and being awake, where he was distantly aware of the things happening around him, but couldn't really do anything. Once again, he felt as if he were outside his own body, watching from the outside in.

He watched as Dan turned off the TV and spent a few minutes just looking down at Phil, stroking his hair. He watched as Dan slowly shifted upright, moving carefully to try not to wake his friend. He watched as Dan picked Phil up, carrying him into the bedroom, which Phil was honestly pretty impressed with. He watched as Dan left and then returned soon after with the crib. He watched as Dan curled up next to Phil, and pulled him in close, still moving carefully to try not to disturb Phil. He listened as Dan whispered 

"I love you too, Philly. So much." He watched as Dan leaned over him, kissing his cheek softly, lightly, and this one felt different for some reason. Usually their kisses were firm, pressing into the other for comfort. This one felt like a feather, light and tingly. Part of him wanted to lean into it, craving more contact, but he still couldn't move. He watched as Dan settled into the pillow next to him, watching Phil for a moment, then finally closing his eyes and drifting off into sleep. And then Phil wasn't aware of his surroundings anymore, sinking into dreams himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHIT I JUST REALIZED A HUGE FLAW IN THIS WHOLE STORY! Anna shouldn't have Alice's traits, she should have Michelle's! Because Michelle was the one who was pregnant! *facepalms* well, there's not much I can do now... let's just ignore that bit of biology I guess? Say that like... it was a test tube baby of Dan's sperm and Alice's egg that got put into Michelle? God I can't believe I did that... xD I'll be facepalming for days I think
> 
> To put any of your minds at ease who really need consistency, this is the official story I've settled on:   
> Alice was a small person (mentioned before), and the doctors had some concern about her in the pregnancy. She had had a few medical problems in the past, and with a person so large as Dan donating, they suggested it'd be better if the baby grew in Michelle's womb. However, Michelle was enamored by Alice and was set on their baby looking like her, so they did have a test tube baby as the result of Dan's sperm and Alice's egg that was placed into Michelle's womb.   
> Sorry that this is all explained over a note and not in the story, I somehow overlooked that huge error.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this is ruining my life xD I write all day and then way too late into the night, then wake up the next day and the first thing I do is check comments, curious as to what people think, but resolved to actually be productive in my own life today. Then I see all your super sweet amazing and supportive comments, and it inspires me to write more, so here I am, bleary-eyed, just woken up, and I'm starting a new chapter that'll probably take about two hours out of my day when I should be working.... And somehow I'm not even mad :D I'm having so much fun writing this story and I'm so grateful to each and every one of you who has read and commented and it warms my heart to know that people are liking it :) Sorry for the long note, just feeling sappy <3

"Shhh shhh don't cry." Phil bobbed Anna nervously as he and Dan waited for the train to arrive. It was loud here, lots of mechanical noises and people talking, and Anna was getting overwhelmed. They had tried to find the quietest spot they could, huddled in a concrete corner, but there was no escaping the noise.

"Fan incoming." Dan whispered to Phil, and Phil froze. No fans had ever met Anna, and he was scared. He and Dan had already talked about this, they would let people see her but not touch, and Anna wouldn't be making any appearances in peoples' photos with them. Phil quickly put Anna in her stroller, pulling the cover over and cooing one last,

"It'll be okay,  you don't need to cry, daddy will be back soon I promise."

"Dan? Phil?" The nervous but excited words quietly whispered out of the girl who Phil assumed was probably about sixteen. 

"Hi, what's your name?" Dan asked, smiling.

"Matilda. It's so nice to meet you guys. Are you... wow I feel like a stalker, I promise I'm not I just watched your live show, are you going to one of your famlies' houses?" Dan and Phil both laughed a little, understanding. Yes, sometimes it was weird for people to know so much about their lives when they met in person, but they couldn't blame their fans for that. It just meant that they actually were paying attention to the videos Dan and Phil put out.

"It's alright, we didn't think you were a stalker." Phil chuckled warmly. "Do you want a picture?"

"No, it's alright, I can see you were with your baby, I just wanted to say hi." the girl said quietly, and turned to leave. Phil smiled. She was respectful, and wasn't trying to intrude on their day, just wanted to say hi.

"Hey, do you want to meet her?" He called out after Matilda, surprising himself. He just felt very grateful for the girl's respect, and Anna was crying so he was taking her out anyway.

The girl turned, smiling with excitement but also hesitant.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." Dan responded, finishing Phil's conversation. Phil watched Dan smile at the girl, but then turn his affection towards Phil, gently hanging his arms around the back of Phil's shoulders as Phil pulled Anna from the stroller. It reminded Phil of that incredibly awkward photoshoot they had done years ago, when the photographer made Dan rest his arms and elbows on Phil's shoulders, except that now Phil leaned into the touch, appreciating it, and Dan's hands weren't behind Phil's neck, now they were draped across Phil's chest, lightly grabbing at the fabric of his shirt. 

Phil looked up to see Matilda with an adoring smile on her face, and she walked over until she was close enough to see Anna without being too much in their space. She said hello to Anna, who stopped crying when she was met with a new face, mouth agape as she stared in wonder at the girl in front of her. Phil realized that maybe they needed to get out more, this was only the second girl Anna had ever met, and the first person younger than them and their YouTube friends. 

"If you put your pinky out, she'll grab onto it." Phil informed Matilda, whose eyes went wide as she slowly and gently reached her pinky finger forward. Anna latched on and her huge smile widened across her face, dimples showing, and a squeaky noise of excitement left her. Matilda's own face was in a huge smile now, and it was infectious, soon all four of them were grinning like idiots.

Phil was happy they had met Matilda. She certainly seemed like one of their fans who had a bit more social anxiety, and Phil recognized the timidness and hesitancy that most of their viewers who informed Dan and Phil that they had some level of depression generally embodied. He was happy that Anna had been able to pull Matilda out of her shell, and whatever this girl's actual story was, she was smiling now, and that's all Dan and Phil ever aspired to do, it's why they both made YouTube videos. 

Phil felt Dan squeeze his chest softly from behind, and Phil let out a very small and light hum of appreciation. He knew Matilda wouldn't hear it, but Dan might with his head rested on Phil's shoulder, and even if he didn't hear over the sound of the station, he'd feel the vibration in Phil's chest. Phil loved that they could communicate this way, never truly needing words to express their thoughts. Matilda was busy, entranced with Anna so she didn't even notice when Dan's lips tickled Phil's ear, whispering, "Love you, Philly." to which Phil simply leaned back slightly more into Dan's touch, knowing that Dan knew what that meant.

Eventually their train came, and they said a hurried goodbye to Matilda who thanked them, wishing them safe travels. They boarded the train, and found their seats, making sure their knees touched. 

"So Phil..." Dan started. "We're going to your family's first. How are we going to handle the whole... _us thing._ I know they're convinced we're full of shit when we say we're not actually _us_ , are we going to keep telling them we're not, or just accept it and play into it? And if we tell them we're not... does that mean we have to be more... distant? I know it's confusing for people when we say we're not together but then act... well how we are with each other." Phil nodded, thinking. He hadn't even really considered just going along with the lie to their families, but he did agree that it was confusing for them to act how they were when they were trying to convince people it was a lie, and he knew he wasn't going to stop being close with Dan anytime soon. That was out of the picture. 

"I don't know. Maybe try to explain it to them, but if they really don't believe us and it's getting brought up a lot, we'll 'cave' and 'admit the truth'." Phil made air quotes with his fingers as he said that. 

"Alright, sounds good."

"Yeah, you're not distancing yourself from me, Dan. I don't care if it's to try to tell our families the truth. Hell, I don't care if it's to save our careers. You're not pulling away from me." Phil said, seriously.

"Alright, Philly." Was all Dan said, and did Phil see a bit of sadness in his friend's smile? He shook it off, not understanding why there'd be any sadness there, and allowed Dan to pull Phil into his chest, circling his fingers on Phil's shoulder.

The train ride passed fairly quickly, and soon they were there, getting off the train and into a taxi, then arriving at Phil's family home. They came up and knocked on the door, being greeted by Phil's parents pulling them each into large hugs. Phil's mum scooped down and picked up Anna, cooing at her as she lifted her up.

"Wow, she's gotten so big! The only time I saw her was months ago, and just for a day, seriously boys you have to remember your families." she said in mock scorn. Dan and Phil both had the decency to look down in shame, knowing that there was some truth to what she had said, they had been in their own little bubble for the past six months and hadn't called as much as usual, but Phil's mum started laughing when they looked down.

"I'm only joking, I know that life changes when you have a newborn, and if people aren't right in front of you, then they don't exist. It's okay. I'm just happy that you two look happy." They were happy, and Phil looked over to Dan with a small smile that was returned, and Dan pulled Phil a little closer with the hand that Dan had kept on Phil's waist since they exited the taxi.

Phil's dad was a bit quieter as usual, just pulling the men in for hugs and then going over to play with Anna's feet as she stared up at her grandparents. Phil turned into Dan's arm which was already wrapped around him, putting his arms around Dan's neck and pulling him in for a hug. He whispered in Dan's ear. "You're right, we're hopeless. They're never going to believe the truth about us." to which Dan hesitated a moment before hugging Phil back warmly.

They ate dinner, and sure enough the moment Martyn made a joking comment about Dan and Phil's sex life and when they informed the family that it wasn't true, the three Lesters erupted into laughter. 

"You're really sticking with that, aren't you?" Martyn asked in disbelief, laughing a bit, and Phil sighed, supposing they'd have to go with Dan's plan from earlier.

"Fine, you're right, we just. Don't like being too physical in public so when we're with people other than our audience, we don't want them to expect too much." It was a weird lie, but he couldn't think of any other explanation.

"Well we're happy for you." Phil's dad stated, smiling at the two men, and Dan was also smiling at Phil, pulling him in for a half-hug across their seats, planting a kiss on Phil's hairline. Phil blushed as Martyn jokingly made a gagging sound, and the rest of the night passed smoothly. 

They exchanged presents at the end of the night, Dan and Phil giving Phil's family a new crock pot as he knew their old one had broken a few months back, and giving Martyn a new Stephen King box set, as Martyn was always pestering Phil to borrow his, and then wouldn't return it for months. Phil received a few new books he'd never heard of from his parents, but that looked like things he'd like, but his gift from Martyn was the one to leave the lasting impression. The minute Phil opened the box, he slammed it shut, looking up at his brother in horror, his face red as a tomato.

"What is it?" Phil's parents had inquired, and Dan looked at Phil quizzically, Martyn practically falling off his chair from laughter. 

"Nothing." Phil squeaked out, because no, there was NO WAY he was about to show his family the plug and bottle of lube he now held in a box on his lap. Dan raised his eyebrows, and Phil just looked over and mouthed 'later' to him, meaning he'd explain it later. Unfortunately, he didn't think about how that'd look to Martyn, who now _did_ actually fall off his chair. Everyone else at the table was obviously confused, and Phil was actually beginning to turn darker than red, a deep shade of purple, when he hurriedly mumbled.

"Dan, you open yours now." Trying to get the attention off of himself. Dan nodded slowly, then unwrapped his present from the Lesters, getting a new left-handed mouse pad with wrist support. Phil smiled at how thoughtful his family was. Dan had mentioned that his old mouse pad hurt his wrist in passing last time they had seen Phil's family, and Dan looked just as shocked and touched that the Lesters had remembered this as Phil was. 

Dan then moved on to Martyn's gift, and it was obvious that Martyn had set on 'gag gifts' as the theme of this year. Dan had only recently released the video he'd been talking about for years, officially rebranding himself and relinquishing the 'danisnotonfire' username. When Dan opened his gift from Martyn, he facepalmed, whispering "Oh my god, Martyn." then laughing at the contents. Of course, Martyn had gotten Dan a huge box which contained a stuffed llama, a bag of Malteasers, an actual temporary tattoo he must have got custom made to read 'Dan Is Not On Fire', a plastic thing that Phil could only imagine was supposed to be a placenta, and he wondered where Martyn had even found that, a Delia Smith mask, and of course a letter saying generally: 'Merry Christmas, congrats on your baby, hope the rebrand is going well, have fun fucking my brother.' but after nearly every single word, Martyn had written in an 'xD' face. It was truly impressive. 

Dan just laughed, jokingly glaring at Martyn.

"It's people like you who make me lose faith in humanity." Dan said, trying to keep a straight face, but breaking into a grin at the end, showing off his dimples. This made Phil smile too, and he relaxed, able to ignore the box in his lap.

The two men opened the gifts to Anna together, smiling as they received some new toys and diapers from Phil's parents and a few new children's books from Martyn, thanking them for the gifts. And then the night was over, and they were heading towards Phil's old room to go to sleep. Unfortunately, their portable crib wasn't able to travel with them, so their stroller was serving the purpose right now, but it was working pretty well. It was a nice stroller, and you could adjust the seat so it hung more like a hammock so the baby could sleep on their back.

Dan and Phil got into bed, pulling close, before Dan whispered curiously,

"Phil? What was in the box?" Phil flushed again and sighed. He crawled out of bed and picked up the box, returning to sit next to Dan. It was dark, but dimly lit because of Phil's childhood night light that was still there, and Phil knew Dan would be able to make out the contents. When Dan looked into the box, however, he didn't have the reaction Phil had expected.

"Oh." was all Dan said. 

"Oh?"

"Well I mean... Martyn's one for gag gifts, you saw what he got me. He's just messing with you because you're his brother."

"But isn't it weird? I mean to think about..."

"Phil, I've seen more porn in my life, whether it be in writing or photos or whatever, about the two of us, than I've watched normal porn. And that's saying something." Phil laughed.

"Well I mean, yeah, but that's all from our viewers. Isn't it weird to have my brother thinking... you know..."

"Phil I've just come to accept that at any given moment there are probably at least five or ten people, if not more, who are vividly picturing us fucking. I accepted that a long time ago, that gift doesn't really shock me. Especially now that he thinks... well you know. That we actually might use it." and that was the first time that Phil saw Dan get nervous at this subject, flushing slightly pink as well. Because it was different. Somehow these things were different now that people actually believed that they were together and doing these things. It made Phil feel strange, in a way he couldn't quite explain. Nervous maybe? He wasn't sure, but it was a weird feeling.

"Oh well, let's just try to ignore that it's there and get some sleep, okay Dan?"

"Okay, Philly."

"You really need to stop with that nickname."

"Okay, Philly."

"Shut up!" Phil laughed.

"Okay Philly." They were silent for a while then, laying next to each other. With all the talk of what people thought they might be doing, they hadn't been touching, and now they still weren't and Phil was finding himself feeling sad that he wasn't in Dan's arms. They laid there, looking at the ceiling, and then Dan reached over a hand and placed it on top of Phil's. This shot the same feeling through Phil that he had gotten the other night when Dan had kissed his cheek when he thought Phil was asleep, but this time it was so much stronger. 

This wasn't their usual way of touching, warm and deep and comforting, this was light as a feather, gentle, and left Phil craving more. He sat there, feeling that want grow in him, until he had to be closer to Dan. He turned, pulling Dan in, but instead of their usual pattern of one pulling the other into his chest, Phil pulled Dan towards him until their bodies were perfectly aligned, noses almost brushing, looking each other in the eyes. Dan's eyes widened in surprise, but then relaxed after a moment. Phil thought for a few seconds, then decided what he wanted. 

"Dan, do you remember that day when we went out to the lake?" He knew the memory always filled him with joy, and sure enough it did the same to Dan, a huge smile forming on his friend's face as he went back to that day in his mind. Phil took this opportunity to lean forward and at first lightly, but then firmly press his lips into the dimple that had formed on Dan's cheek when he had smiled. He pulled back and saw the look of surprise on his friend's face. Phil was surprised too, and began to worry a bit. Yes, Dan had kissed his cheek a few times before, and it should be fine for Phil to do the same to Dan, but somehow this had been different. Somehow this had crossed some unspoken line between them, and Phil knew it. 

He coughed after a few moments of wide-eyed eye contact, and shrunk back from Dan, but Dan didn't allow him to, pulling Phil down to his chest. Phil smiled, grateful to his friend. It had just been a mistake, and it seemed Dan forgave him. At least now Phil wasn't stuck awkwardly staring into Dan's eyes, and he could relax into his friend's body, which he had grown so accustomed to over the past few months. 

No more words were spoken between them that night, and Phil fell asleep hoping he hadn't made a mistake. 

The men said a sweet goodbye to the Lester family, promising they'd try to call more, and made their way to Dan's family's house. This visit felt slightly more rushed and less home-y, but maybe that was just because this wasn't actually Phil's childhood home. It passed smoothly, and soon Dan and Phil were back at their own flat, crashing onto the sofa, exhausted from travel even though it was only 1pm.

Ever since the night at Phil's house, they had been a bit quieter around each other, a tiny bit less affectionte. Something had happened, and they both were trying to ignore it, but Phil knew it had changed things if only slightly. He was sure that to anyone else they'd seem completely normal, but Phil's mind was racing, and he needed a bit of a breather.

"Hey, I'm gonna run out and get some Starbucks, okay?" Phil announced, grabbing his wallet.

"Alright, bring me something back?" Dan requested from the couch.

"Of course." Phil made his way down the stairs and out of the apartment, opting to walk the few blocks to the coffee shop. He needed to be doing something, needed distraction. He needed to stop thinking about Dan. 

Walking into the Starbucks, he made his way to the counter and ordered a Caramel Macchiato with extra caramel. He planned on staying here to drink it, and he'd get Dan's when he was leaving. The barista smiled at him, joking a bit about everyone needing a little extra sweetness in their life after he asked for the extra caramel, and he looked up to see her actually wink at him. He was a bit taken aback. He honestly hadn't even thought about flirting with a girl since Anna was born, thinking it was far too out of the picture with his current lifestyle.

This girl, however, made him reconsider. She was very pretty, and exactly his type. She was a bit smaller, gorgeous brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, warm smile and pretty green eyes. Any other day, Phil wouldn't have even considered flirting back, but now he was in desperate need of a distraction from his life, and this seemed to be the perfect distraction. He raised his eyebrows in response to her wink, and allowed his hand to hover against hers as she took his credit card, holding eye contact. He didn't know exactly what he was hoping would come out of this, he just knew he had to get his mind off of Dan. 

She giggled slightly, and when she handed him his drink, a phone number was written across the cup as well as a note that read, 'I get off at 2:15'. She shot him another wink, and he flushed, taking his coffee to one of the chairs, sitting down and sipping. He stayed there for almost an hour, and caught her glancing in his direction more than once. He tried to focus on her, still desperately wanting to get every thought of Dan out of his head. It didn't work. Why couldn't he stop thinking about Dan?

At 2:15, she came out from behind the counter, discarding her apron and visor, and sat down next to Phil.

"My name's Elise, what's yours?" she asked with a smile that was both kind but daring at the same time.

"Phil."

"Well, Phil..." She began, her hand making it's way onto his knee and then creeping just a few inches up his thigh. "What do you say we head back to my place for a bit? It's just two blocks away and I have an incredible bottle of wine I've been wanting to share with someone." Phil nodded, and allowed this girl to lead him to an apartment, following her inside. A part of him was screaming at him, asking why he was doing this, but another part of him countered. 'What's wrong with me doing this? There's no rule to say I can't date. That I can't see girls.' He did miss sex. Physical contact he got enough of with Dan... Ugh he _needed_ to stop thinking about Dan. But it had been a long time since he had felt himself inside of another person, and he missed it. 

They barely spent any time pouring the wine and drinking it quickly before they were in her bedroom and she had her hands on his chest, and was pushing him on the bed and pressing her lips against his. The whole time all the could think was 'stop thinking about Dan, stop thinking about Dan, stop thinking about Dan.' Unfortunately, when you focus all your thoughts on trying _not_ to think about something, it doesn't really work and you just end up focusing on it more.

Dan was all Phil thought of as this girl ripped his shirt from his body, as he removed hers and unhooked her bra. Dan was all he thought about as she slipped her hands into his pants, stroking him roughly. Dan was all he could think about as they discarded the rest of their clothing, and then Phil was putting on a condom, and then he was inside of her, moving in and out of her warmth. Still, he couldn't get his mind off Dan. All he wanted was for escape. To be able to forget about his life for just one minute, but when he came inside of her, he moaned, and Dan's name actually left his lips. 

They both froze. The next three minutes were an awkward shuffle of retrieving clothes and saying a hasty goodbye, as Phil slipped out of her apartment, mortified that he had actually spoken Dan's name. Why had he done that? Why couldn't he get his stupid friend out of his head? He walked home frustrated, resolved to sleep in his own bed tonight and talk to Dan as little as possible. 

He didn't remember to bring his friend coffee.


	12. Chapter Twelve

When Phil entered the house, Dan was waiting for him. Dan pulled Phil into a hug that Phil didn't return.

"Hey, Phil, I'm sorry things have been weird the past day. I don't want things to be off between us." Phil didn't respond, and when Dan noticed that Phil's arms weren't wrapping around his back, he pulled away from his friend.

"Phil? You didn't bring me a coffee." Phil shrugged, not looking his friend in the eye. He felt wrong somehow. Like he had broken some agreement between the two of them, even though he knew that was silly, and he was allowed to be with a girl if he wanted. Dan eyed him for a moment, then reached forward, taking the hem of Phil's shirt between his fingers.

"Phil..." Dan started, becoming suspicious. "Your shirt is on inside out." Phil looked down to see that Dan was right. In his mad rush to leave that girl's house, what was her name? Elena? Elaine? Elise? He didn't remember. In the rush to leave _her_  house, he must have pulled on his shirt inside out without noticing. He had been more preoccupied with the horror that he had just moaned Dan's name in his moment of climax. As that thought reached his head, Phil pulled away from Dan, refusing to look him in the eye, trying to shove that memory down into a box and lock it, never to be reopened. 

He heard Dan release a shaky breath and saw his friend turn away from him, going to Anna's crib. He looked up at Dan now, and saw him looking down at Anna, stroking her arm up and down with his thumb, lips pressed tightly together in anger. Phil knew that Dan knew where he'd been, and while the logical side of his brain said that there was nothing for Dan to be mad at, Phil felt guilty, and deep down he knew there was. He didn't know why, but he knew that his friend was allowed to be angry with him. That this wasn't something they'd talked about, and that he shouldn't have done it.

There was a long silence.

"I'm going to sleep in my own room tonight." Phil informed Dan eventually, sighing and turning to leave the room.

"Good." was all he heard in response.

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Why did he have to go and do that? And why for the love of god was it so wrong for him to have done it? Because he knew it had been wrong, but he didn't understand why. Yes, he'd be feeling guilty anytime for a hook-up, he didn't really like one night stands and the fact that he didn't remember her name made him feel guilty, but that wasn't why he was feeling so wrong. He was feeling wrong because of Dan. He had slept with that girl because of Dan. He had wanted to forget about him - forget about that kiss to Dan's cheek that kept racing through his mind. Why had that been so different? Why had that felt like it was breaking some rule? How had the two of them let their boundaries dissolve so much that they were in this place now? And why - _why for the love of god had he said Dan's name when he was with that girl_?

In the back of his mind, Phil thought he knew. He thought about how happy he was with Dan and Anna. About how faking their relationship didn't really mean actually faking anything, it just meant not holding himself back. About how those few touches - Dan's kiss to his cheek and then his hand over Phil's had sent waves through Phil's body, instead of comforting Phil, making him hunger for more. That was when he realized what a huge mistake he had made, and sunk into his pillow, wondering how they could progress from here? 

Dan and Phil's careers tied them together. They lived together. They had a freaking baby together, so they were stuck. There was no getting out of this, and now Phil had gone and without even noticing, gotten a _stupid fucking crush_ on his flatmate.

Phil slept. He was so done with thinking and worrying about everything, that he forced his brain to shut off, and he slept. He woke up around 9pm, and made his way to the kitchen to get something to eat, and of course Dan was there. Stupid fucking Dan with his hair all messy, shirt askew. Phil wanted nothing more than to wrap his friend up in his arms and for everything to be okay again, but he knew he couldn't do that. It was hard not to, however, when Dan looked so upset. Phil could see that Dan's eyes were puffy and his friend gripped the counter so hard his knuckles were white. Phil didn't want to stay here any longer than he had to, so he decided to just get a granola bar and return to his room. When he opened the cabinet next to his friend, Dan spoke.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Phil asked, trying to sound nonchalant. 

"Why have you been so weird around me lately? Why are you being so weird now? Why did you go out and fucking sleep with someone, leaving me here with Anna wondering where you were? I thought you had just gone out to grab us coffee!" 

"I just needed to get out of the house." Phil said, his voice low.

"What if she had recognized you, what about that, huh? What if someone around you had? You're willing to risk our careers just to get laid because you 'needed a break'?" Dan's voice was rising in volume, and Phil felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN! You're a dad now, Phil! Fucking grow up and act like one!" Dan pushed off the counter, beginning to storm out of the room, but Phil whipped around to return.

"Oh, yeah? Well if I hadn't had the balls to take Anna, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HER NOW, NOW WOULD YOU?" He didn't even know really how this related to what Dan had said, but he knew it would strike a nerve, which was what he wanted. 

It did strike a nerve. Dan got very quiet and walked up to Phil slowly, who quickly began to regret his previous words. 

"What... did you just say to me?" Dan asked quietly, and Phil had never seen him this angry. Not even when Michelle had stormed into their flat. No, this was much stronger, because Dan had trusted Phil, and for Phil to say something like that was completely unacceptable.

"I'm sorry." Phil whispered.

"You _know_ how much I've thanked you for that. You think I'm not fucking aware that I fucked up and that you saved my ass? Are you really still holding that against me?" Dan just inches from Phil's face, and Phil felt all his anger disappearing, replaced with sadness and fear. He felt a tear roll down his cheek.

"Of course not, Dan. I don't know why I said that, I'm just..."

"Because if you think for _one minute_ that I'm not in this a hundred percent..."

"Dan, I know you are. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Phil pleaded.

"Good." Dan said, and backed off from Phil, moving to the other side of the kitchen, but not leaving the room.

"What happened today, Phil? Why are you acting so weird?" Dan asked, and Phil felt his heart drop, because he knew now. He knew it was because he had feelings for Dan. The one thing he was _not_ supposed to do with Dan, and he had gone and done it.

"I don't know, it's just a bad day."

"You fucking watch TV all day when it's a bad day! You eat a tub of ice cream! You don't fucking go out and sleep with some stranger and then come back and accuse your... me... of not being committed to our daughter!" 

"My what?" Phil asked, wondering why Dan had changed what he was saying to 'me'. 

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, PHIL? ARE YOU MY EVEN MY FRIEND? FRIEND'S DON'T ACT LIKE THIS! And we're not really friends anyway, we have a fucking child and the whole world thinks we're dating! When did this all get so fucking complicated, Phil? I don't even know who you are to me anymore!" This hurt. This hurt badly. 

"I don't know, Dan." Phil said tiredly, trying to hold back tears. "I don't know when it got so complicated." The room went silent for a long time, and then Phil heard Anna crying from the living room. He began to move, but stopped when Dan snapped at him.

" _I've_ got her." Phil stayed put for a while, but then walked into the living room, and watched as Dan rocked their baby back to sleep, back facing Phil, unaware that he was watching.

"It's okay, Anna. Everything's okay...." and Phil could hear the doubt in Dan's voice at his own words. "Everything will be okay." he repeated, and Phil was almost certain he could hear Dan trying to convince himself. "Your daddies were a little stupid. They just made some mistakes, and now they have to figure out how to fix them, but everything will be okay, Anna, you know why? Because I love you. I love you and I love your other daddy, and I know he loves us too. It was all just a mistake, and it'll all work out." This was what sent Phil over the edge. Hearing Dan admit that he loved Phil, even after their fight, a choked sob escaped from Phil's throat and Dan whipped around to look at him, and Phil saw tears in his eyes. 

"Dan, I..." Dan's lips pressed together, and he placed Anna back into her crib, wiping the wetness from his eyes quickly. 

"Phil I don't know what's going on with you. I don't know what happened, but I love you and the past six months have been hell, but they've also been the best six months of my life, and even in the bad times we've always stuck together. I don't want it to be like this... I need you, Philly." Now that was just cruel. Tacking Phil's nickname onto the end was playing dirty, and they both knew it, but Phil crossed the room, putting his arms around Dan, trying not to think of his realization earlier that day.

"I don't want it to be like this either. I need you too, I'm so sorry Dan. I love you too." And now they were both crying, wrapped in each other's arms, foreheads leaned against each other's shoulders, bodies shaking slightly from the tears. After several minutes had passed, Dan pulled away slowly, keeping his hands on Phil's hips tentatively. 

"Phil... what _did_ happen?" And then it happened. Yet another time, Phil's mouth betrayed his brain, and he was talking without giving himself permission.

"I made a mistake, Dan." Why had he said that? Where was he supposed to go from here?

"It's okay, we all make mistakes, just talk to me." Dan was moving closer now, and Phil felt his breath on his face. 

"I... I can't. Everything will be fine." 

"It won't be fine if you're keeping something from me. Talk to me, Phil."

"I made a mistake." Phil repeated slowly, and then he just gave up. There was no way he could keep going this way with Dan without telling him, and there was no way he'd be able to hold back from Dan, trying to distance himself. He had to be honest, no matter the repercussions. "I didn't realize until today, but. Dan, I think I like you. Like... in the way everyone _thinks_ I like you." Dan didn't respond, and Phil felt himself keep talking to fill the silence. "I don't know how and I don't know why and honestly I thought I was straight, but I like you, Dan, and I know I'm not supposed to, and I know this is all wrong, and it might ruin everything, but-" 

His words were cut off as Dan slowly and carefully connected their mouths. He stayed a few inches away from Phil, holding himself at bay by his grasp on Phil's hips, but he connected their lips delicately, softly, and it was the same softness that left Phil craving more. Phil went slack with shock, and after a moment Dan pulled back, looking at Phil with an expression Phil didn't recognize. It was somewhere between surprise and confusion and, yes, a little joy which sent a wave of relief flooding through Phil's body.

"Wh... what?" Phil stammered, looking at his friend.

"Phil, did you really not notice? I'm not that good an actor." Phil looked at his friend, still confused, and Dan laughed. "You really didn't notice that I've been falling for you?" he clarified, and Phil's mouth parted in surprise. 

"No... no I didn't." 

"You really are blind, Philly." Dan mused, and Phil was reminded of months ago, PJ joking that Dan and Phil must be blind, and Dan had understood, but Phil hadn't. Well, he did now. Phil smiled at Dan, and the brunette man pulled them together, and he was kissing Phil again, but this time the kiss was deep, passionate, as if it were a thousand kisses rolled into one. 

When they finally did break apart, they were both wide eyed and out of breath, and Phil's mind was everywhere but nowhere all at once. When had he started feeling differently for Dan? When had this developed into something more than friendship? It had surely snuck up on him, but now that they were kissing, he felt as if it were months of pent up emotion all being released. Everything made sense, and yet nothing made sense, and Phil decided not to think too much into it, pulling Dan back in for another kiss. They spent the night this way, kissing, broken up here and there by some small jokes and laughter. When they made it to the bedroom, they laid down under the covers, and when Phil reached over to Dan to pull him in for a kiss, Dan stopped his lips with the younger man's finger.

"Okay, Philly, yes I'm excited about all this, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little... well... _excited_ about all of this. But you went out and fucked a random girl, and I am not doing any more than kissing you tonight." Phil laughed a bit, deciding to tell him.

"I said your name."

"What?"

"I said your name. In an... inopportune time. And then ran. Quickly. That's why my shirt was on inside out, I was in such a rush to get out of there." Dan was laughing, holding his hand over his mouth.

"I wish I could have seen the look on her face."

"Oh, it was pretty priceless, trust me."

Phil laughed, disbelieving that that was really just earlier today. What on earth had he been thinking? What had he been thinking for the past months, playing this game with Dan, acting as if they didn't have true feelings for each other. Why hadn't he noticed sooner? He felt stupid, but he couldn't be too mad when Dan was kissing him, and they were wrapping around each other, pulling each other in so tight it felt as if they were trying to become one. He couldn't be mad when Dan placed a kiss on his forehead and whispered goodnight, and Phil smiled, falling asleep in this man's arms, all the stress of the day forgotten.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Phil woke with a start. His eyes shot open, and he was shaking Dan awake, a huge childlike grin plastered across his face.

"DAN! DAN IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Dan blinked awake, smiling up at Phil who was leaned over him, shaking his shoulders violently. Phil was flooded with excitement, having completely forgotten that today was his favorite holiday. Dan's surprise turned into an adorably sweet grin, as he reached up, grabbing Phil's shirt collar and pulling him down into a kiss. Phil froze for a moment, eyes wide. He had completely forgotten about the past day, and now it was all rushing back. The anger, the girl, the realization and the confusion, and then Dan. Phil smiled into the kiss, closing his eyes. 

He still didn't entirely understand this. He'd never liked a man before in this way, and the idea of it freaked him out a bit. Dan had always tended towards girls as well, so this was new territory for the both of them, but with how they'd been around each other for the months since Anna's birth, it didn't feel too foreign. 

"Merry Christmas." Dan said softly, pulling away from Phil and looking up at him with those gorgeous brown eyes. Phil blushed, looking down and connecting their foreheads. 

"Merry Christmas, Dan." They got up and made their way to the kitchen, whipping up some pancakes. Dan reached into the fridge, and pulled out a little glass jar, and Phil looked at him quizzically.

"Anna's getting older now, and the book said to start trying to introduce actual food at six months. We're past that now, and also... I noticed something yesterday." Phil raised an eyebrow, as Dan left the room and returned with their daughter. He reached out to tickle her belly, and she made a squeak of joy, smiling wide. Phil, as always, got distracted by the dimples on his daughter's cheeks, but Dan pointed out something new. When Phil looked back at her smile itself, he saw one small white tooth peeking out of her lower gums.

"Anna! You have a tooth! It's a Christmas miracle!" Phil exclaimed, and Dan laughed, pointing out that he had noticed yesterday so it couldn't truly be a Christmas miracle, to which Phil shoved him and Dan pulled Phil into a kiss. The kiss was slightly awkward, Phil couldn't stop smiling from the discovery about their daughter, and Dan was having a hard time keeping from laughing, so their teeth were clacking together and it was slightly painful, but it was sweet and Phil didn't mind the pain. 

The two men took their baby and their pancakes to the living room where they had set up a small plastic tree before they left for their families', presents waiting underneath. Dan spoon-fed Anna some applesauce while Phil held her, she seemed to like it, and it stayed down. After feeding her, Dan made his way behind Phil, splaying his legs out on either side of him, and putting his arms around Phil. He rested his head on his shoulder, and they sat there for a moment, just looking at the tree.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"So... the whole world thinks we're together, we live together, have a baby, and now we kiss and have told each other we like each other... I just want to make sure I'm not getting this wrong... I can call you my boyfriend now, right?" Phil laughed, leaning back into Dan's chest.

"Of course, you spork." 

"Hey, that's my thing! You don't get to say spork!"

"Sorry... spork." At this, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and Anna, careful to keep their baby safe and in place, as he pulled Phil backwards onto the ground. Dan carefully lifted Anna to the side, and she sat next to them and watched, clapping her arms together as Dan tickled Phil into submission.

Once Phil had recovered, they began opening presents. Anna loved all her presents, and got extremely excited, then promptly fell asleep and they put her in her crib, smiling down at their daughter. Phil watched Dan open his gift from Phil, and by the look in Dan's eyes he knew he had done well. He saw as Dan opened the small envelope and pulled out the tickets, confused at first, but then grinning hugely and moving over to hug Phil and give him a light kiss. 

Phil had gotten them tickets to go to Thailand about a month ago, booking a four day trip in March. At the time, he had just thought it'd be nice to go somewhere that'd be warm and exotic when the UK was just sort of dreary and sad at that time, but now that they were together, he knew this trip would be even more special.

"There are only two tickets?" Dan asked after a few moments.

"Yeah, I talked to my mom and she's going to look after Anna so we have the time to ourselves. I was going to book us a week, but then I tried to imagine not seeing her for a week, and four days ended up seeming like the perfect time of getting to be there for a bit without dying over missing her. It'll be a vacation, we never even hire babysitters, so it'll probably be nice to have the time off, even if we miss her like crazy." Dan nodded, smiling, and gave Phil one more quick peck. Phil marveled at how normal this felt. He supposed they had been so physically close for so long now, that this was really just one step up and therefore wasn't a huge shock. 

Eventually Phil went to open Dan's gift, and he picked up the box, shaking it slightly, unable to figure out what was inside. When he shook it, Dan flinched, so he decided it might be delicate and he should be careful. He tore through the nice wrapping job, opening the box, and looked inside. The minute he saw the snowglobe inside, he felt tears come to his eyes. Without even taking it out, Phil moved to Dan and hugged him, allowing the tears to well up and spill over. Of course, leave it to Dan to pick such a thoughtful gift. 

Phil remembered the first time he and Dan discovered Alice's snowglobe collection. They had both been a bit freaked out, the way you would be if you walked into a room in someone's house and it was just lined with porcelain dolls. Alice had a room that was stacked with shelves on every wall, snow globes lining the entire room. She loved them, and if there was a snowglobe within a mile, Phil could have sworn she would have sniffed it out. 

Dan and Phil had made a habit of getting her snowglobes as gifts. She loved to collect them, never buying them online. "They have to have a story." she would say. Dan and Phil made it a staple to get her snow globes any time they travelled, bringing them back to her from every corner of the earth. She didn't have much money and was never able to afford travel, and she loved getting to have snowglobes with stories from other cultures. They would always learn as much about the globe they'd buy her as possible, and then write everything down on a card they'd give her, and she'd keep it with the globe in her collection, so she could read it and remember the globe's history. 

"You haven't even seen the best part yet." Dan whispered, and Phil returned to the box. He raised it out, and now he was fully crying. Not only were there two miniature sculptures of Dan and Phil in the globe having a snowball fight, there was Anna sitting in the corner laughing holding a snowball, but that wasn't the best part. Phil looked to the base of the snowglobe and recognized the decoration immediately. The base was painted, abstract but beautiful. When he raised the globe above his head and looked at the underside of the base, he found the etching:

**_To Dan and Phil_ **

**_Love, Alice_ **

How... Anna? Phil asked, indicating their baby sitting in the snow on the globe.

"Alice made the sculptures of us, but I figured it's not just us anymore, so I found someone who could make a miniature Anna, and had it added."

"How-" Phil repeated.

"It's not important, Philly. Just take the gift. Merry Christmas." Phil smiled and nudged his head into Dan's shoulder. Dan craned his neck to kiss Phil's forehead, and Phil felt a rush of energy tingle through his body.

"I love you, Dan." Phil froze after the words escaped his mouth. He felt Dan freeze too.

"I... sorry. I know that we're together now and that means something different. I just got so used to saying it."

"That's okay, Philly. I really care about you, I've just. I've never done this before with a guy and we only actually got together yesterday. I know it feels like longer, but I'm not sure I'm ready to say that yet." 

"Me either." Phil agreed. "It was just habit, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Philly." 

"You _really_ need to stop calling me that." Phil whined.

"Aw come on, you love it." Dan teased, poking Phil in the ribs. Phil drew away, defending himself with his hands from Dan's pokes.

"Maybe I do, but I hate it too. It's a love-hate thing." Phil giggled as he slapped away the onslaught of pokes coming his way. Eventually he couldn't hold Dan back, and was pushed onto the ground and now Dan was over him, holding Phil down by his wrists which were over his head, staring Phil in the eyes.

They paused for a moment, and Phil felt a rush of both excitement and fear flow through him. 

"Dan... I..."

"We'll take it slow, Philly. This is new for me too." Phil sighed, grateful that his friend - no. his _boyfriend_ \- could read him so well. Dan released Phil's arms, but didn't move from over him, instead propping himself on his elbows above Phil. He leaned down slowly, and collected Phil's lips in his, bodies not quite touching. This kiss sent shivers through Phil, and he felt himself yearning for more. He reached up with one hand and wrapped it around the base of Dan's neck, collecting hair in his balled fist and pulling just slightly. This earned him a small hum from the man on top of him, and he pushed down slightly on Dan's neck, indicating that he wanted more.

Dan deepened the kiss, and slowly allowed his body to sink so he was now resting on Phil, though still holding some of his own weight up so Phil wasn't crushed. Phil kept one hand on Dan's neck in his hair, and moved the other down to the small of Dan's back, where he took hold, digging his fingers in slightly.

The kiss got more heated, and Phil began to feel a stirring inside him. He flushed and tried to hold it back.

It wasn't like Dan and Phil were all that uncomfortable with the other getting an erection. It had actually been a joke between them of how they were _far_ too comfortable with each other in the past, since morning wood was so common and they had been cuddling for months, so after the first two weeks or so, they had stopped trying to discreetly run from the bed when they woke up half-hard, and instead just accepted it, even joking about it with each other sometimes. They were both men and understood, and once they got past the first strange time or so, it just had stopped being awkward.

This was different, though. This was _because_ of Dan. Phil wondered why he was trying to hold back, Dan was his boyfriend now, but he wasn't used to that idea yet, and he felt embarrassed. It was just then that Dan decided to lightly press his hips down into Phil's, as if testing the waters. Dan pulled his head back a moment to make eye contact and gauge if that was okay, but just as he watched Dan's eyes meet his, his own were closing, and a small moan was leaving his lips.

Well. There was no holding it back now.

Phil opened his eyes after the sound escaped him, looking at Dan in shock and embarrassment, but what he saw wasn't mockery. It wasn't Dan's usual teasing grin, no this was a hungry look. Dan's eyes were dark, and he darted in to press his lips to Phil's once more, and this time Dan began to slip his tongue into the kiss, and Phil followed.

Phil felt Dan hardening in his jeans, and Phil was already past half mast. They were moving, Dan slowly grinding into Phil's hips, softly, but it still sent shudders through Phil as he pressed up with his own hips. After about two minutes of this Phil broke their kiss, pulling back, breathless. 

"Sorry." Dan whispered, breathing heavy himself. "Taking it slow. Just got. A bit worked up." Phil nodded, because he understood. It wasn't that he didn't want to do more with Dan. God he wanted that so badly right now, but it also scared the living hell out of him. He didn't know how any of that worked. He didn't know how to be with a man, and he knew this was going to have to be a slow process. He reached up and delicately kissed Dan, who kissed back softly and then rolled off of him. 

"Well... I'm gonna go jerk off." Phil laughed at Dan's straightforwardness, shoving him a bit. "What, it's the truth!" Dan laughed as he made his way to the bathroom. Phil brought Anna's crib to right outside his room so he could hear if she began crying, but then entered his room, shutting the door. He quickly pulled down his pajama pants which he hadn't bothered to change out of this morning, and grabbed ahold of his now rock hard dick. 

He squeezed tightly and then began to pull slowly, wanting to enjoy this. He stroked himself rhythmically and slowly began to pick up the pace, leaning against his door, taking small breaks to play with the tip, almost tickling the sensitive area, and then moving back down to stroke himself. He reached his free hand up into his shirt and found a nipple, beginning to make small circles with it. He'd always been a bit embarrassed, as most guys he knew didn't have sensitive nipples, but his sent waves of pleasure through him. 

He continued like this, varying pace and pressure, until precum was leaking out, and then he was thinking about earlier, about Dan grinding down on top of him, about Dan's mouth, his eyes, his smile, his dimples, the little crinkles that appeared next to his eyes when he laughed, his skin, his warmth, and then Phil was coming and he couldn't hold the name back, moaning his boyfriend's name loudly, cum spilling all over his chest. He quickly cleaned himself off, eyes wide in horror. Dan had _definitely_ heard that. Also this was the second time now that Phil had said Dan's name during an orgasm, and he felt a little embarrassed about that, though he didn't know why.

He made his way out of his room once he was clean, hair still slightly matted to his forehead in a sheen of sweat. He picked Anna out of her crib, whispering,

"Sorry you had to hear that." And brought her to the living room. She smiled a huge smile, her one tooth gleaming in the light, and his worries about what Dan was going to say when he got back disappeared, watching his adorable daughter smile. He went to the kitchen and got some applesauce, returning to feed her, and she looked at him with her wide blue eyes as she opened her mouth for the spoon. She was so beautiful, and Phil's heart felt like it melted every time he saw her smile. Once again, he felt the excitement rush through him as he thought of what she might look like in a few years, when she really stopped looking like a baby and began looking like a toddler. 

He was happy, but his worries rushed back into him as he saw Dan re-enter the room. Dan grinned as he saw Phil with Anna, though, and Phil figured any teasing he got he could just distract himself by watching Anna smile. Dan said nothing, making his way to sit next to Phil, gazing lovingly at their daughter. 

"Phil... I was trying to enjoy that. And then you just had to go and screw it all up."

"What?"

"I was trying... you know to last a little longer to be able to enjoy it. Do you have any idea how you sound? It was all over then." Phil giggled slightly, and smiled warmly at Dan. 

"I'm not sorry." he said, and was rewarded with a kiss on the forehead. 

"Well you should be, making noises like that should be illegal."

Phil chuckled again, making a mental note that Dan seemed to be the auditory type, tucking that information away to use for the future.

The rest of their day was calm. They cooked a nice stir fry dinner, not the most classic Christmas dinner but they were both craving it, and settled down to watch Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer with Anna. They put her to bed and climbed into their own. They fell asleep quickly, but not after a very warm and tender kiss.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Phil stretched as he woke up, warmth flooding through him as he felt Dan wrapped around him, spreading a huge smile across his face. He took a few moments to just admire his boyfriend's features. Dan was beautiful. His hair was curled and smooth, his face was soft. His eyelashes were so dark, and asleep Dan looked so innocent and young. Phil sighed, amazed at the turn his life had taken, and amazed that he had gotten so lucky not only to be in Dan's life platonically, but that Dan liked him back.

He wondered when Dan had started liking Phil... or at least when he had realized it. Phil didn't really know when he had actually _started_ to have romantic feelings for Dan, but he knew he hadn't noticed it until two days ago. Phil stared at Dan, and he was sure he could be happy just watching this boy sleep forever, but he also really wanted to kiss his boyfriend, and talk to him, and just enjoy him in general, so Phil leaned in and peppered dozens of quick kisses on Dan's lips, watching the younger's eyes flicker open in surprise, and then felt a smile form across the younger man's lips when his eyes focused in on Phil. 

How in the world had he gotten so lucky?

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's head, pulling him in so Phil couldn't keep pulling away to plant multiple kisses on Dan's lips, instead pressing the two of them together into one deep kiss, only slightly broken up by the grins on their faces. 

"Well hello there." Dan chuckled after they pulled apart.

"Good morning." Phil said softly, eyes flickering down in slight embarrassment, but also some pride. He couldn't help being proud, he had the perfect family. 

The two men took their baby into the kitchen as they made breakfast. Anna got some pureed banana, while they ate oatmeal. 

"So, what do you want to do today?" Dan asked, looking up from Anna as he wiped her face where a bit of banana had gotten on her chin.

"I don't know..." Phil responded, only halfway paying attention, as he was in a bit of a daze just staring at his boyfriend and their baby. They were so perfect. Seeing Dan with Anna made his heart melt and then re-form and then melt all over again. 

"I was thinking we'd invite Louise over if that sounds good to you." Dan suggested, and Phil smiled. It would be nice to see Louise. As much as part of him did just want to cuddle with Dan all day and dote over their daughter, he missed Louise and he knew it was good for Anna to see her. "I was actually thinking maybe we'd go back to that lake, and bring Louise with. Not to the same spot, though." Phil nodded. He had hesitated a bit before Dan clarified that they'd go to a different spot, because even though they weren't together back then, the spot they had gone before just felt like it was special to them and should be reserved for the two of them and Anna. 

"That sounds perfect." He smiled, and took Anna from Dan as the brunette pulled out his phone and told Louise to be over in an hour and bring some snacks and a water bottle. Phil was pretty impressed with the two of them. They used to be so irresponsible, never being prepared for anything. They would definitely have gone to that lake in the middle of nowhere, miles from any store, without any water in the past. Having a kid had completely changed them, and now they both were so aware of bringing everything they needed for any outing, never being left unprepared. For one of the first times in his life, Phil actually felt like a functioning adult.

Louise showed up about fifty five minutes later, and immediately went to Anna. She glanced at the two men for permission, and then lifted Anna high in the air, making their daughter laugh which Phil could have sworn was the most beautiful sound in the world, before bringing her into her arms, cooing at her gently.

"Hi Louise." Phil said warmly, happy to have their friend there. He looked over at Dan and realized they hadn't talked about how they wanted to tell Louise that they actually were together now. He quickly found that he didn't have to worry about it, however, as Dan had a plan. 

"Louise, you remember ages ago when you and Chris and PJ came over and met Anna for the first time?"

"Of course I do, who could forget meeting such a cute little baby aww you're just the most adorable thing in the world!" Louise spoke the entire sentence in a high pitched voice, still cooing at Anna.

"Well... what we told you was true that day - about it being a lie for the fans. But remember when PJ called us blind, and you agreed?" Dan had his arm around Phil's waist, and gave him a squeeze.

At this, Louise turned to them and stopped her fawning over the baby girl, interest sparking in her eyes.

"Well... I think you were onto something." Dan said, at turned, using his arm to turn Phil towards him, connecting their lips. Phil's eyes shot open in surprise, but then closed quickly as he settled into the brief but loving kiss.

"I KNEW IT! I _knew_ you two would end up together! Okay give me all the details, tell me the whole story!" Louise was practically bouncing up and down, and Dan laughed, taking their baby away from the excited woman. The four of them made their way out and into a cab to the lake, explaining everything on the way there. She demanded practically a minute-by-minute playthrough, and they gave it to her, leaving out only the most private of moments, including Phil's stupid mistake with the barista. Louise was giddy with joy, and kept saying she called it, and that she knew before they even did. 

"It was _so_ obvious, boys. You two have been in love with each other for ages, I just can't believe it took you so long to realize!" At this Dan and Phil both flushed, still not having actually said 'The L word' to each other in a romantic way. 

"Yeah, I guess we were sort of stupid." Dan laughed a bit nervously, and once again Phil wondered when exactly Dan had realized his feelings for Phil. After they first kissed, Dan had commented that Phil must have been blind not seeing that Dan had been falling for him, so Dan definitely had known before Phil did, he just didn't know when that was. Oh well, he supposed it didn't _really_ matter. They were together now, and yes they had wasted time, but Phil didn't intend on wasting any more time denying his feelings for the man next to him. He planned on keeping Dan by his side for the rest of his life. 

That thought pulled him up short, but then he relaxed into it. He had known for a long time that he wanted Dan in his life forever, even if before he had only wanted that as a friend. He couldn't imagine a world where he didn't see Dan every day, and he knew that was a world he didn't want to live in. It just meant something different now. Phil couldn't help the thought of marriage from slipping into his mind for a split second, because that's what that meant, right? Wanting to stay with your boyfriend forever meant eventual marriage? Marriage was sort of the marker of committing to being together forever. Phil chuckled a bit at this thought. If that was all marriage was, he'd be ready to get married now.

"What?" Dan asked, and Phil realized he had laughed a bit louder at his thoughts than he meant to. 

"Oh... nothing. Just thinking." Phil stammered, blushing.

"Any chance your thoughts had anything to do with me?" Dan asked, winking at Phil which did not help the color of his face.

"Okay you two, I'm happy for you and all, but this is positively disgustingly sweet and I think I'm getting a cavity." 

Dan laughed, not taking his eyes off Phil as he slowly leaned in to kiss his cheek, throwing back a quick "sorry" before making contact and sending warm happy shivers from Phil's scalp to his toes. 

The lake was beautiful. They were all bundled up as it was the middle of the winter, having Anna in about four different layers to keep her from getting sick, and they all just sat on a bench, by a fire pit, enjoying the flickering heat while looking out over the lake. The ground here was covered in a small layer of snow, and it was absolutely beautiful. After about an hour they decided to head back, they didn't want to test their luck and have Anna catch a cold, so they took a taxi back to Louise's.

She made them all get out of the cab to hug her goodbye, and before she turned to leave she shot them a wink and informed them that if they ever needed a night off, she'd be more than happy to take Anna for a night. The two men blushed, and then got back into a cab with their daughter, returning home.

They ordered a pizza and settled in, putting Anna in her crib when she fell asleep, then going to the couch and turning on their TV to some nature documentary that they didn't pay attention to. 

A wonderfully amazing few days passed, and all of a sudden it was New Year's Eve. The past four days had been all cuddles and soft kisses and sweet words. They filmed a Sims video in this time, and when Dab aged up and had bunny slippers, which Dan and Phil had _definitely not_ gotten Anna as a last minute Christmas gift as a bit of a joke, the two men looked at each other in amazement, and Phil was the one to lean in for a quick but sweet kiss. They had planned to edit it out, but decided on a whim to keep it in because it made them both smile, and the internet blew up. After eight years, the internet _finally_ had a real picture of Dan and Phil kissing.

There was a YouTuber New Years Eve party that Dan and Phil had agreed to go to. Phil's mum was taking Anna for the night, and while Dan and Phil would probably end up just staying long enough to make the obligatory rounds, saying hi to some old friends they had neglected in the past seven months, it would be nice to go out for a bit. When Phil's mum left with Anna in the car, Phil looked over to Dan who almost looked like he had tears welling in his eyes, and Phil felt ridiculous because he felt the tingle of tears in the back of his as well. Were they really this depressingly attached to their baby that they couldn't go one night away from her? They were going to be the most clingy parents ever.

Phil laughed at them, pulling Dan into a hug, and he laughed as well. They made their ways to their own rooms to pick out clothes, dressing up a little, each choosing nice black slacks and button-ups. Phil's jaw went slightly slack when he made his way to the living room, seeing Dan. Once again, the only thing his brain could come up with was just to wonder at how he had gotten so incredibly lucky. Dan was striking in a maroon button up and black slacks, hair getting just slightly long so the curls fell onto his forehead a little. Phil walked over and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's neck, staring into his deep brown eyes.

"You are perfect." Phil marveled, and was rewarded with an eye-crinkling, dimple-showing smile. Dan looked down as he smiled, then back up at Phil.

"I think you're confusing us. Philly, you're the perfect one." and then they were kissing, and they didn't pull back for a while, until Dan finally started laughing. "Alright, we're gonna be late, let's get going." And Phil nodded, drunk off the kiss, letting Dan take his hand and guide him down the stairs, into the cab, and to the party.

When they arrived, music was already blaring and people were dancing, lights low and flashing. Dan and Phil worked their way into the party, saying some quick hellos. They immediately migrated towards the bar that was set up, each taking a hot pink drink and sipping it as they observed the party. 

Everyone was there. They saw Louise, Joe, Zoe, Alfie, Marcus, Jim, Tanya, Caspar, PJ, Chris, Tom, and many many more. Tyler Oakley even was there, apparently on a trip from America to do a few collabs. Just as Phil noticed Tyler, he was making his way over to the two of them through the crowd, drink in hand, stumbling slightly and Phil could tell he was tipsy.

Tyler shouted over the music as he spoke to them,"OH MY GOD PHIL! DAN! HOW ARE MY BOYS?" Dan and Phil laughed, informing Tyler that they were doing well. "Y'ALL ARE TOGETHER NOW? WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME?" 

"Sorry, Tyler, we've been a bit busy with our baby and everything." Phil laughed, joking with their friend.

"Y'ALL ARE SO CUTE, FUCKIN HAVIN' BABIES AND SHIT! I WANT A BABY! WELL, CONGRATS YOU TWO. AND WELCOME TO THE GAY WAY!" Tyler shouted a loud "WOOO!!!!", and then headed back into the fray, shouting, "WHICH ONE OF Y'ALL WANTS TO HAVE A BABY?" Phil laughed, blushing, and turning back to Dan who had the back of his hand to his mouth to hide his own laughter. 

"Alright, I think I need to be drunker for this." Phil commented, chugging the last of his drink and taking a new one. He wasn't usually one to get drunk, but he hadn't been able to really drink in months and he kind of wanted to let loose tonight. Dan raised his eyebrows, and then followed suit. Soon they were both four drinks in and dancing with everyone else. They even shout-sang along to One Direction as the DJ played 'Story of My Life'. After two _more_ drinks each, they were stumbling into a taxi, and then up the stairs and into their flat.

They were giggling and kissing and pulling each other around the house, laughing into their kisses so they were more like head-butts, but neither of them cared. All of a sudden, Phil turned serious, needing to be closer to Dan. Needing to touch him. 

"Take your shirt off." He said seriously, and Dan's smile and laugh faded, surprised at Phil's abrupt change.

"What?"

"Shirt. Off. Now." Phil commanded, and watched as Dan fumbled with his buttons. It was taking too long, so Phil moved in closer, undoing the bottom buttons as Dan undid the top. He shrugged off the shirt, and Phil put his hands on his boyfriend's chest, staring at his naked torso, not even bothering to hide it. Dan began undoing Phil's buttons, and then they were kissing again, and then Phil's shirt was off and their chests were touching, and Phil wasn't used to this but it felt amazing and was sending all sorts of tingles through his body, and Dan's chest was rubbing his nipples and those were sending shocks through him, and he was biting onto Dan's lower lip, tugging a bit, and their playful attitude of two minutes earlier was lost to the heat of what was happening now.

Phil backed Dan up, moving him to the couch and laying him down, climbing on top. Phil wasn't usually the one to take charge and he surprised himself at how commanding he was being, but Dan seemed to like it, so he continued. He pressed into Dan as they kissed, grinding his hips down on the man below him, and freely allowing the moans to escape his throat as he became increasingly turned on, remembering how much Dan liked it when he was vocal. It payed off as Dan's kisses all of a sudden got a new hunger behind them and his hips were moving faster, and Phil could feel how hard he was behind his slacks. 

Phil reached down and began fumbling with Dan's belt, finally getting it undone and tossing it to the side. Dan followed suit, taking off Phil's belt, and paused for a minute before discarding it. Phil raised his eyebrows at this, taking in this bit of information even in his drunken state. He didn't know what his friend's kinks were, Dan always joked about kinks but he didn't know which were really true for his boyfriend. Apparently, however, a belt was something that seemed to hold Dan's interest, and Phil made a mental note.

Phil reached down again, unbuttoning Dan's pants, and soon both of their slacks were thrown across the room in a pile somewhere. Phil could feel every point where he and Dan's bodies touched, and he was very aware of Dan's cock hidden behind a very thin piece of fabric. 

"Bedroom." Phil instructed, and Dan sat up, causing Phil to sit back, and then Dan was kissing into Phil, hands on his waist, making Phil move backwards into their bedroom. Dan pushed Phil onto the bed so Phil's torso was on the bed, but his feet were on the floor. Dan spread Phil's legs and placed himself between them, and then he was kissing at Phil's knees, kissing up his thighs and then skipping the clothed part, kissing from Phil's stomach all the way up to his neck, and Phil's head was back, eyes shut because it just felt so good, and then Dan's teeth were tugging gently at his ear and then making their way back to his mouth.

"Phil... I know we said slow... what exactly are we doing right now? I don't want to cross any lines." And Phil knew he was a goner. He knew at that moment that there was no way he was not in love with this man. 

"Not... ready for sex." Phil was out of breath, and his words came out choppy. "Not... quite ready to suck either... still not quite... adjusted." Phil hoped Dan understood what he meant.

"That's okay, Philly. Do you mind if I go down on you? Or are you not ready for it at all, because then we won't do it. Whatever you're comfortable with, Philly." Dan was kissing his neck between words, biting softly here and there and sucking in a way that was both gentle _and_  rough, and that Phil knew would leave marks. 

"I... if you want." Dan moved down with his kisses to Phil's chest, and he let out a small moan. At first he was embarrassed, but then he saw Dan's eyes look up at him, dark and wide and hungry, and he knew that those sounds weren't something to hold back. "Feel bad, though. Don't want it to be... One sided..." Phil was gasping now, and Dan shook his head dismissing Phil's worries, and began to move down, lips brushing Phil's nipple. Phil involuntarily half moaned, half shouted Dan's name. He froze, and so did Dan, looking up at him in surprise, but his expression soon changed from surprise to one of excitement and dangerous playfulness.

Dan moved his mouth back up to Phil's nipple and bit down slowly, mostly just using his lips, but allowing his teeth to graze the spot just around the nipple itself, and Phil felt as if his nerves were screaming at him. He remembered how Dan liked sounds, and Phil allowed his sounds of pleasure to escape his throat. Dan began sucking the spot, and Phil could feel he was getting too worked up.

"Dan, dan, dan, wait." Dan stopped immediately, and looked up at Phil. "If you want to... do what you were going to do... can't do _that_ anymore." He looked down to indicate his nipple which now had clear teeth marks making crescent shapes around it. "Not... gonna last..." Dan smiled an evil grin, and Phil knew he'd be using this information against him in the future, but Phil didn't care. He wanted Dan to use this against him. Dan leaned down slowly, keeping eye contact with Phil, and placed one last light kiss to Phil's nipple as if saying goodbye. Phil's eyes rolled back, and he rocked his hips involuntarily into Dan's torso. 

Laughing softly, Dan began to kiss his way back down Phil's stomach, and stopped at the line of Phil's boxer shorts. When Dan looked Phil square in the eye, taking the elastic band of Phil's boxers in his teeth, and yanking his head down the older man's legs, ripping the boxers off of Phil with his mouth, he thought he might cum right then and there. 

"Holy fucking shit, Dan. Who said you were allowed to be so hot?" Dan only acknowledged Phil's words with a glance upwards, a hum, and a slight smile, but Phil couldn't see the smile he could only feel it as it was pressed into the inside of his ankle. Dan kissed up the insides of Phil's legs, and when he reached Phil's mid-thigh on the inside, Phil was fairly certain he had never been more turned on in his life.

Dan teased around the area for just long enough for Phil to get used to it and not expect it to change abruptly, when in one swift motion, Dan licked a line straight from Phil's base where his balls connected to his shaft, up the shaft and to the tip, and then took Phil in his mouth, nearly bottoming out. Phil let out a sound that made him feel as if he should send his neighbors apology cards, and thanked the gods that Anna wasn't in the flat. 

This seemed to be all the encouragement Dan needed, and he looked up at Phil nervously for a moment, before leaning down and swallowing, taking the entire length of Phil deep in his throat. He didn't gag, and Phil marveled at how natural Dan was at this. It was worlds better than what any girl had ever done to Phil, and this was Dan's first time. Phil felt the warm wetness around his length, as he tried not to thrust up into Dan's throat. He wrapped his hands in Dan's hair, careful not to push his head down, and began to talk. 

Phil didn't really know how to talk dirty, and he hadn't done much of it before, but judging by what he had learned about Dan so far, he'd be very into it and Phil wanted to make Dan feel good. "Yes, Dan. Yes, that feels so good." Dan pulled Phil out of his throat, and was now lapping small circles just on the tip of Phil's extremely sensitive dick, and he loved it. "Oh my god, Dan you're so hot. Please don't stop. Please, you feel so good."

Phil looked down and stroked the side of Dan's face with his hands, earning a small smile as Dan pulled off, looking at Phil, and then plunged all the way down again. Phil moaned loudly, and he felt Dan moan in response, the vibration of the sound sending shivers through him. He looked and saw that Dan's left hand was plunged deep in his boxers, and Phil smiled, happy that Dan was getting something out of this as well. 

Dan pulled off of Phil one more time, lapping the tip again and then plunging deep, and Phil knew he couldn't last any longer. He tapped the back of his boyfriend's head lightly, trying to warn him.

"Dan... Dan I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." But Dan didn't move like Phil expected him to. He did ease up a little so Phil was no longer inside of Dan's throat, but he kept him in his mouth as Phil throbbed into the deep wet hole, moaning Dan's name, feeling Dan's warm mouth constrict around him once he was done, swallowing all evidence of Phil's ecstasy. 

Phil laid back for a moment, and then sat up, pulling Dan onto the bed and on his back. Phil bent so he was halfway over Dan, kissing his mouth, not even worrying or caring where it had just been, and reached down to replace Dan's hand on the younger's cock, taking over for him. It didn't last long - Dan was already nearly there, but Phil stroked him to completion, being rewarded with a painful lip bite from Dan which left the taste of blood in his mouth, but he didn't care. 

The two men lay there panting for a moment, before they both started laughing.

"You are amazing." Phil said to Dan, turning his head to smile at his boyfriend. 

"No, that's you. Amazing Phil." Dan smiled back. 

"I love you. And I'm not saying that because of what we just did. I'm saying that because I love you, Dan." He watched as Dan's face shifted into a smile. A smile he had only seen a few times, and only ever directed at him or Anna. 

"I love you too, Phil. So much." Dan pulled the duvet over them and then pulled Phil to him, planting a short but sweet kiss on Phil's lips.

"Goodnight, Philly."

"Goodnight, Dan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome, ya freaks ;) <3


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I need your guys' suggestions. I have a few different ways that this fic could end (don't worry, there'll still be plenty more before it's over), but I'm a little stuck between them right now. Would you rather have...  
> A) The story to continue without many time jumps, and just go over Anna's very young year/years  
> B) Do some larger time jumps and span more of Anna's life, but have some gaps from the jumps?  
> C) If you have a different idea, I'm very open to suggestions   
> :) just want to see exactly what you guys want from this fic, so please tell me what you'd like below!

Two months passed.

Anna was growing, and the two dads couldn't be prouder. She was nine months old now, and eating more solid foods. They'd found that oatmeal was a favorite. She was becoming more vocal, making all sorts of sounds and laughing, but she still hadn't said her first word yet. She was also becoming more mobile, and could take one or two steps if she was holding onto one of her dads' hands, but quickly would fall back down, grabbing onto their calves as she fell. 

Dan and Phil's careers were also in a high. Even though they had cancelled their meet-ups for the year, explaining that they just couldn't do it all with Anna being so young, their fans were understanding and more people were watching their videos than ever. 

As for their relationship, Dan and Phil were disgustingly happy together, and anytime they'd see their friends they just knew they were being judged for it, but they didn't care. About three weeks after New Years Eve, Phil had worked up the courage to try going down on Dan, and it hadn't been as bad as he had expected. He wasn't quite able to go as deep as Dan was, but he was slowly getting better. That was still the furthest they had gone, but they both seemed to be content with that, enjoying each other and not feeling the need to rush anything. 

Today they were packing the last few things before dropping Anna off with Phil's mum late that evening on their way to the airport to leave for Thailand. Phil was fully packed by noon, and he sat with Anna on his lap on the edge of Dan's bed, teasing his boyfriend for waiting so long to pack.

"I know, Anna, daddy will never learn." he said, smiling up at Dan as he spoke to Anna.

"Hey! I've gotten better! You can't expect me to change _everything_ about myself just because I have a kid, I'll never not be a master procrastinator." Dan shot back, laughing. 

"Just maybe use stick deodorant this time, okay Bear?" Phil had started using this nickname about a month ago when Dan had gone on a huge Winnie the Pooh marathon with Anna, and Phil was 99% sure it wasn't at all for their daughter's sake. 

"Shut up!" Dan threw a shirt from his drawer at Phil, careful not to hit Anna. 

She clapped her hands together and made a "uh-du-aaaah!" sound, smiling cheek to cheek. Phil turned her around to face him, and for the third time that morning, just stared at her in amazement. The more she grew the more he saw Dan in her, and the more he saw Alice in her as well. It really was uncanny though, how the things that resembled Alice resembled Phil as well, and Phil could have sworn that they couldn't have ended up with a child who looked more like a combination of her dads. 

"Dan?" Phil murmured, still staring in wonder at his baby.

"Yeah?"

"How did we end up with such a perfect daughter?" Dan smiled which Phil caught out of the corner of his eye, as the brunette made his way up behind Phil, putting his hands on his shoulders and looking down at their daughter.

"I don't know. Honestly I've tried not to question how lucky I've gotten too much lately, because I think if I do it might mess it all up." Phil smiled knowingly at this, leaning his head to plant a kiss on Dan's mouth.

"I love you, Bear."

"Love you too, Philly." 

Phil turned his head back to face Anna, who was looking at them in wonder. She lifted her tiny hand up at them, pointing, and making a small squeaky sound. "Lah-uv!" She exclaimed, and Phil's jaw dropped down as his heart hopped up into his throat, tears starting to well immediately in his eyes. 

"What was that, Anna? What did you just say?" Dan whispered, voice thick with emotion, love, adoration, excitement.

"Lah-uv!" She said once more, a grin of accomplishment spreading across her face as she squeaked and then squirmed a little bit, and Phil pulled her into his chest, squeezing her gently.

"Phil... did she...?" Dan choked out in wonder. 

"Yeah, she did." Phil responded, his voice coming out choppy as well.

Dan sat behind him, wrapping his arms around Phil's which were around Anna, and they sat like that for a while, Anna repeating, "Lah-uv!" every few seconds, and then laughing in excitement at the reaction it got from her dads. 

"Yes, Anna, we love you too." Phil smiled through his tears, unable to contain the pride he felt about their daughter. 

"We love you so much." Dan added. "Oh god Phil, how can we leave now?" He laughed helplessly into Phil's shoulder. Phil sighed. A huge part of him did want to just rebook their flight for a different day or cancel the trip altogether, but he and Dan had been looking forward to this for a while, and he knew they had their entire lives to be enamored with their daughter. 

Eventually, Anna fell asleep and Dan finished packing, Phil actually making it harder on him by following him around, hands on his hips, whispering sweet things in his ear. 

Dan chuckled at this, pulling back here and there from the unexpected air against his ear and neck from Phil's whispers which tickled him slightly. Finally, Dan was finished packing, and he immediately turned to Phil and tackled him onto the bed. Phil looked up, eyes wide in surprise, and Dan looked down at him playfully evil. 

"Philly, you should know better. You can't just get me all worked up when I'm busy and then expect me _not_ to jump you the second I'm free." Phil smiled in defeat as Dan leaned down, giving him a long kiss. "Alright, we can save this for Thailand, though, it feels weird with Anna in the room. Phil nodded in agreement. Ever since they had gotten together, whenever things got heated they'd kept Anna's crib just outside their room with their door cracked so they could hear if she needed anything, but so that she wasn't actually in the room.

They gathered their things as well as the things they'd be bringing for Anna to give to Phil's mum. They took a cab and then got on the train. Anna woke up during the train ride, and immediately started loudly exclaiming, "Lah-uv!" Pointing at her dads with a huge smile, now filled with several small teeth poking through her gums. Dan and Phil laughed in excitement, watching their daughter. They noticed a few other train passengers looking over with sweet expressions on their face, and Phil once again was filled with pride that this was _his_ daughter. 

When they finally got to Phil's mums, she took Anna from them which led to ten minutes of Dan and Phil pouting, having to convince themselves not to turn around right then and there and cancel Thailand. In the end, Phil's mum shooed them out of the house, reassuring them that they'd be fine and to have a good trip. 

"Okay, but Anna don't you _dare_ say another word until we're back, okay?" Dan threatened lightly as they made their way out of the house and back to the cab that would take them to the airport. Once they were on the plane, Phil leaned his head on Dan's shoulder.

"Dan... our daughter's first word was 'love'." Dan smiled, and there was a twinge of sadness there that confused Phil, but he understood when Dan explained,

"You're living up to your promise to Alice. The one you made on her birthday. When you said that you would do your best to bring out Alice in Anna with how you raised her. If our daughter's first word being 'love' isn't proof of that, I don't know what is." Phil smiled a bittersweet smile up at Dan, and then nestled into his shoulder, taking the younger man's hand in his and squeezing. Dan was right, if Phil had to explain Alice in one word it would have been 'love', and now their daughter's first word had an even deeper meaning. 

The two men made it to Thailand and settled into their hotel. Phil had booked them a room in a small resort right on the beach, far away from any traffic. The beach was beautiful and empty, and he knew it was worth the extra money he had spent to get this more private area. They had slept on the plane and it was only early afternoon here, so they unpacked quickly, and Phil was sure to be careful that Dan didn't see the small bottle of lube he had bought before this trip, just in case.

They both changed into swim trunks, and made their way down onto the beach and waded into the warm, clear water. They made it up to their waists, and Phil smiled as he saw tiny fish darting around the two of them. This place was absolutely beautiful. 

He looked out at the ocean, into the horizon, and took it in for a moment, appreciating the peace of the still water, until..

_SPLASH!_

Dan tackled Phil from behind, and he barely had a chance to gasp for some air before being thrown underwater. He whipped around, opening his eyes and after they had a moment to adjust underwater, he saw Dan. Dan's cheeks were puffed wide with air, mouth squeezed tightly shut, eyes wide and hair beautifully floating around his head, and Phil pulled him forward into a kiss. They kissed for just a few seconds, before pushing their feet into the soft sandy floor, bursting back out of the water and shoving their hair out of their eyes, soaking wet. 

"You're an idiot." Phil said lovingly, pulling Dan into a hug, feeling the contact of their chests made slightly damp and cool by the water. 

"Well then you're an idiot for falling in love with me." Dan grinned into a kiss. 

"I am. I am the biggest idiot of them all." Phil murmured against Dan's lips. 

"Thank you. For the Christmas present." Dan mumbled, and Phil smiled, pulling away from Dan, taking the younger's hand in his own, leading them into deeper water where it began to cool slightly but was still pleasantly lukewarm. 

They spent about an hour in the water, sometimes swimming, sometimes splashing each other, sometimes kissing. Eventually, they made their way out and into the resort where they found a restaurant and Dan got a noodle dish, while Phil opted for a soup. They both sipped on sweet alcoholic drinks, not trying to get drunk, just enjoying the local food as they indulged in the delicious meal. 

They made their way back into their room, and collapsed on the large bed. They were both exhausted from travel, swimming out in the sun, and now they were both in warm sleepy food comas, and they cuddled up next to each other, settling in for a nap. It was only 3pm in Thailand, but they both needed the rest, and they were on vacation. They could sleep when they wanted.

They slept longer than they intended. When Phil was woken up by Dan's kiss, he opened his eyes to see that it was dark outside. He didn't really care, as he pulled Dan halfway on top of him, leaning into the kiss. It started slow, both of them sleepy and waking up, but once they were both fully awake, it was as if a fire lit and they were now moving quickly, pressing into each other, Dan moving all the way onto Phil. Dan reached back to where Phil's hands were on his waist, and removed them, moving them up above Phil and pinning him to the bed by his wrists. Phil looked up at Dan and actually laughed out loud.

"What?"

"I just have no idea why in all the fanfiction written about us, they always make you submissive." Phil chuckled.

"Yeah... don't know where they got that from. I have my moments of it, but usually..." and then Dan shifted so he was holding both of Phil's wrists in one hand, using the other to pull back Phil's hair, pinning his head against the bed, and Dan swooped in and began kissing and sucking and nibbling at the soft skin of Phil's neck. Phil moaned into it, grinding his hips upward. Dan returned Phil's movements, and eventually he released Phil's hair, allowing the older man to quickly leap on his opportunity and lift his head up to connect their mouths. He felt shudders run through them as the heat intensified, and they were both growing increasingly turned on. 

"Take your clothes off." Dan whispered into Phil's ear, low and commanding, and Phil shivered at the danger in his boyfriend's tone. He complied, undressing quickly as Dan watched, and then he helped Dan remove his own clothing. Now they were completely naked, and Dan was back on top of Phil, grinding down, and Phil felt all of Dan, and he wanted more. He _needed_ more. 

"Dan, I-" He gasped. Dan leaned back, allowing Phil to get off the bed, going to his suitcase, and then holding up the small bottle, raising his eyebrows at Dan. He watched as Dan's eyes grew dark with hunger, and then Dan was off the bed and in front of him, and kissing him and taking the bottle from Phil's hands. He pushed Phil around with his kiss, leading him to the bed and placing him where he wanted him. Phil complied with all of Dan's nonverbal commands. He just wanted to make Dan feel good, and whatever this man wanted from him, he was going to give it. 

Dan laid Phil down and uncapped the bottle, spreading the slick liquid across his fingers. 

"You sure about this?" He asked as he looked up at Phil, and Phil nodded quickly because he was ready. He was so ready to feel Dan inside of him, moving through him, claiming Phil as his own. 

Dan reached down and began making small circles at Phil's hole, whispering to Phil. 

"Alright, Philly, relax for me, okay?" Phil nodded and allowed his mind to drift, thinking of earlier that day with Dan in the water. The memory of the warm water with the sun hitting their backs, kissing all wrapped around each other, helped Phil to relax, and it didn't hurt when Dan coaxed the first knuckle of his pointer finger inside Phil. He bit his lip, ready for more. _Wanting_ more. 

"Keep going." He whispered, and Dan smiled, sliding the rest of his finger inside Phil. It felt strange, he wasn't used to this at all, but it didn't hurt and for that Phil was relieved. Dan moved his finger in small circles, and soon his middle finger joined the first. He was now scissoring his fingers, stretching Phil, and it still felt foreign, but when he pictured Dan kissing him, grinding into him, he was able to convince himself that it felt good, and he moaned for Dan.

"Good. Feels good. Ready for more." He opened his eyes to see Dan looking at him with hunger, but he was gentle as he added his ring finger to the mix, and this one stung a bit, but after a few moments he was used to it. Dan began thrusting his fingers up into Phil, going all the way in, and then out to the fingertips. It felt good, but Phil wanted _Dan_. 

"Dan, I'm ready." He whispered, and Dan used his free hand to cover his erect cock in the lube, removing his fingers and quickly replacing them with the tip of his dick, pressing it in soft but firm. Dan was slightly thicker than his three fingers, and it did hurt Phil's entrance a bit, but the rest of him felt empty now, missing the three fingers that had been there just moments earlier, and he pleaded with Dan. 

"Farther, Dan. Please. Please I want you all the way." Dan grinned at Phil's words, and Phil knew this was how to get what he wanted. "You feel so good, just want more. More of you. I need you, Dan. Need you inside me." At this, Dan pushed forward. He moved slowly, gently, and then stopped when he was fully submerged into Phil, allowing Phil's body to adjust. After a few moments, he began moving in and out slightly, and then picked up the pace. It still felt a bit strange to Phil, and not quite as good as he hoped, but then Dan leaned down to connect their lips, adjusting his angle, and Phil felt Dan's tip brush against something inside of him, causing Phil to scream with pleasure. 

Phil had never understood people screaming during sex before, but now he did. There was no way he could hold back the sound that erupted from him as Dan hit a bundle of nerves that made Phil's entire body quiver. Dan looked up, eyes widening at Phil's sound, but then he smiled when he realized it was from pleasure, and took Phil's bottom lip in his teeth, pulling gently as he thrust back into Phil, eliciting another loud moan. Dan's hands were on Phil's chest, and they made their way down to Phil's nipples, making small circles, and Phil was now shaking violently, unable to control himself from the overload of sensation. 

As if that wasn't enough, Dan reached his left hand down and away from Phil's nipple, grabbing onto his cock and stroking firmly. Phil had no idea how he was going to be able to last. His back arched and he thrusted up into Dan as Dan plunged even deeper into Phil, his curved spine allowing for even easier access to that magical spot inside of Phil. 

"Dan... you... feel... so... fucking... good..." he gasped in short breaths, curving his neck to get his mouth under Dan's chin, sucking a mark into the spot just where Dan's collarbone met his neck. This rewarded him with even more speed from Dan, and now he was pinching at Phil's nipple, tweaking it gently as he pulled at Phil's cock, precum everywhere, and thrust deep inside him overwhelming Phil with sensation, and then Phil was coming all over both of their chests, and the sound he let out apparently was all Dan needed, and he felt himself being filled completely with Dan's warm release. 

They lay there panting for a few moments, Dan collapsed on Phil's chest and Phil gently stroking the back of Dan's head, playing with his hair. Eventually, Dan sat up and pulled back, Phil wincing slightly as Dan's tip popped out of him, leaving him feeling empty and cold, dripping slightly. The two men made their way to the shower and got in together, washing off. 

"Dan... you are..." Phil began, allowing himself to trail off, knowing he'd understand.

"Philly... you don't even know how accurate your branding is." Dan laughed, and Phil was laughing as well. They showered, helping each other clean off, and then made their way back to the bed, crawling under the sheets, not bothering to put on a stitch of clothing as they curled around each other. 

"Thank you." Dan whispered, and Phil curved his neck to kiss Dan softly, and then they were both asleep, exhausted from the day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I'm sorry if you're not really into smut, but the next chapter is *probably* going to be mostly smut as well. I promise there'll be much more story and fluff in the future, and probably some angst, but it's just where the story is at right now :P


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, guys. I've had an absolutely awful day, so now I'm settling in with a cup of coffee and burning rage at almost midnight to angrily write smut. We'll see how this goes xD Feel like it's gonna end up kinky af
> 
> Also I promise it'll get back to fluff and more story-driven chapters. This is just where we're at now in the story, it'll balance out more I swear :)

"Hey Philly, wake up." Phil awoke to the smell of something sweet, and sat up to see Dan carrying two bowls towards the bed. 

"G'morning." Phil said groggily, taking one of the bowls which contained some sort of thick white liquid. He turned to Dan, raising an eyebrow. "Is this a joke? Like... because of last night?" Phil asked, and Dan laughed in surprise. 

"Ew god Phil you just ruined this for me! No, it's like some weird rice soup thing. It's sweet, it's a traditional Thai breakfast apparently. Oh god, now I've completely lost my appetite." Phil laughed a bit, and spooned some of the soup into his mouth. It _was_ sweet, and tasted almost like rice pudding. Dan quickly gave in and ate too, and soon their bowls were empty. 

"Hey, you want to go back down to the beach?" Phil asked, feeling excited for what the day might bring. Excited to spend it with Dan. Dan nodded in agreement, mouth still full with the last bits of his pudding. Phil pushed himself off of the bed, and almost fell back down onto it as the muscles in his rear end screamed at him for standing. 

"Owowowowowow!" Phil exclaimed as Dan looked at him in shock, and then blushed a bit, laughing as if he were embarrassed.

"Sorry?" He said as if it were a question, watching as Phil sunk back onto the bed, lying on his side to save his ass from any pressure. 

"So sore oh my god!" 

"Alright, well maybe we'll take the morning easy, and go down to the beach later today, sound good?" Phil nodded, still in slight pain, rolling over to rest his head on Dan's shoulder as Dan turned on the TV in their room and began flicking through the channels. When he landed on the Winnie the Pooh movie and looked down at Phil, eyes wide and pleading, Phil laughed with victory. 

"I _knew_ you weren't watching that for Anna!" he chuckled, nuzzling his boyfriend playfully as Dan rolled his eyes and clicked on the movie. Phil felt wrong somehow, because even though they were watching a kids show, all he could think about was the night before. About how good it felt to have Dan inside of him, and of how much he wanted to make Dan feel that way too. He wanted to plunge deep inside of Dan and jerk him off at the same time. He wanted to overwhelm Dan until he couldn't breathe. He wanted to make Dan feel better than anyone had ever made him feel. 

In fact, he didn't only think about that during Winnie the Pooh. He also thought about it as he and Dan went down to the beach. He thought about it as they swam, and thought about it as they sat on the beach sipping drinks from the resort. He thought about it as they watched an anime and played card games, and he thought about it as he watched Dan fall asleep slowly, taking a nap after dinner. Phil didn't sleep. He didn't want to be groggy at all for what he had planned for tonight. 

Phil watched as Dan slowly blinked awake after about an hour long nap, and observed his boyfriend's face as he took in the sight before him. Phil was sitting there clad only in his boxers, holding the bottle of lube in his fingers, wiggling it along with his eyebrows in an excited question. He relaxed when he saw Dan's face spread into a smile, pulling Phil on top of him lazily, kissing the man on top of him. Phil smiled into the kiss, slowly helping Dan to work his clothes off of him, and then allowed Dan to ease Phil's boxers off of his hips, and he kicked them to the floor. 

"Philly, I'm not saying I don't miss Anna like crazy, because I do, but god am I happy we're here."

"Don't talk about Anna right now, Dan." Phil cringed, and Dan laughed, nodding in agreement. Their kiss grew in heat, their naked bodies pressed together, and now Phil was pressing down on Dan and the feeling was so strange but so incredible at the same time. 

Dan looked up at Phil and gave him a small smile and a nod, and Phil took the lube, pouring it over his fingers. He started with just one finger, allowing Dan to get used to it, before he added the second and then the third. He pressed his fingers in and out of Dan, and he had thought this would be weird but it wasn't at all, and he was relishing in every noise that Dan made, every expression of pleasure that crossed his face. Eventually Phil replaced his fingers with his cock, pressing it into Dan, waiting for his boyfriend to get used to it, and then pushing in all the way, and by some miracle he must have been at just the right angle and hit the right spot the first time, because Dan took in a huge gasp of air, biting it off and clapping a hand over his mouth in surprise at the feeling.

"You like that, Dan?" Phil asked, moving in and out, not going too fast yet, but putting pressure behind every movement. 

"Yes. Yes I like it." Dan shuddered, and Phil began to pick up pace. He reached down and wrapped his fingers around Dan's cock, and then precome was leaking everywhere and he was pulling and he was so enveloped in Dan's tight warmth and it felt so good, and Dan was moaning and he was moaning, and he felt so close to Dan and it felt so good to be inside of his boyfriend, and then they were both coming, and then he was pulling out but they were still kissing, and he still had a bit of a fire in the pit of his stomach.

That surprised him. Phil had never had any energy left after an orgasm before. He always lost all interest in sex immediately afterwards, generally just wanting to fall asleep. But now, Dan's mouth on his, their bodies slick with sweat and lube pressed up against each other, he felt as if he could never lose interest in this man. He was tired, however, and so was Dan. They laid there lazily kissing for a while, whispering to each other.

"Dan, how have we been so stupid?"

"What?"

"Well like... literally the entire world called us on being in love like nine years ago. How on earth did we not notice until just a few months ago?" Dan laughed, pulling Phil against him.

"I don't know, Philly. I'm just glad we're not being stupid anymore."

"Me too. Love you."

"You're a dork." Dan pushed Phil lightly, and Phil pushed back, and then he watched as Dan's eyes got the dangerous fire they did right before he did something crazy, and Phil had only a split second to prepare before Dan was on top of him and kissing him down into the mattress, pinning Phil's arms once again to the bed with his hands above Phil's head. This was when Phil remembered something.

"...Dan?" He asked, extremely nervous but also a little excited.

"Yeah?" Dan's voice was low and sexy, and this erased any doubt Phil may have had about having to perform twice. 

"Get my belt." Phil said, and he thanked the gods that his voice came out low as well, calm and confident. The exact opposite of how he was feeling. Dan's eyes widened, and he climbed off of Phil, picking through clothing until he found the long strip of leather. He returned to the bed, and Phil moved backwards a bit so he was half-sitting against the bed frame, and he looked at Dan. 

Dan was so beautiful. His skin was soft and young, his eyes wide and dark, his mouth large and his lips full. Phil couldn't believe how attractive Dan was, and that he was all Phil's. He knew that right now, he'd let this man do anything to him. Dan crawled forward slowly, until he was perched above Phil. Slowly, he sat on Phil's stomach and took the older man's wrists in his hands, wrapping the leather around them and one of the bars of the bed frame. 

"You sure?" Dan asked, concern flickering in his eyes.

"I'm sure. Don't hold back." Phil instructed, and that was all the encouragement Dan needed. He tied Phil's wrists firmly, but Phil knew that if he pulled he could get out.

"Tighter." he pleaded, and Dan's eyes widened in surprise, seeming impressed with Phil's commitment, and that sent a rush of warmth through Phil. He wanted to please Dan, he wanted Dan to be impressed by him. Dan tightened the belt, but it still wasn't quite tight enough. He didn't want to be able to feel his hands by the end of this. 

"Tighter!" Dan obliged, and Phil felt the edges of the belt cutting into his flesh, cutting off circulation, but he didn't care. this is what he wanted. But then Dan was getting off the bed, and Phil missed his closeness, wondering where he was going. Dan only was gone for a moment, retrieving his own belt from his suitcase. He crawled back to Phil, and snaked the belt through the bars behind Phil, then brought it out and around Phil's neck, draping like a scarf. He looked at Phil once more for approval, and Phil nodded quickly. Dan secured the belt, and now Phil's neck was tied tightly to the frame. It didn't hurt, but when he breathed deep it did hold him back a bit, and he felt the belt press against his adam's apple.

Dan crawled on his knees up and over Phil, straddling him, and then he was completely upright on his knees, and Phil was staring Dan's dick straight at head-level. He looked up at Dan, holding eye contact as he took the younger man in his mouth, moving up and down his cock with slow, purposeful strokes. He couldn't get Dan all the way in his mouth, the angle wasn't right and he couldn't adjust because of the collar around his throat, but Dan didn't seem to mind. 

"Phil. Safe word." Dan commanded, and Phil pulled off of him.

"I don't know... 'phan'?" They both laughed lightly and Dan nodded, and then Phil had him in his mouth again. Dan wasn't as hard as he usually would be by now since they had both came just about thirty minutes prior, but Phil decided this was a good thing. This way they could last longer and _really_ enjoy all of this. Phil was just beginning to find his rhythm when Dan pulled away and Phil's mouth popped off of Dan's tip.

Dan was lubing up his fingers now, and then they were making their way inside of Phil one by one, and it was so sore but Phil kind of liked it. He had no idea where this had come from. He'd never considered himself a person with many kinks before, especially not someone who was submissive and masochistic, but with Dan right now he just wanted to make the other man feel good, and if he was in pain it didn't really matter. The pain even felt kind of good when he remembered _why_ he was in pain. Remembering the night before, he was filled with a sudden urge... well... to be filled. He wanted Dan to fuck him senseless. He wanted him to fuck Phil so hard he couldn't walk the next day. Phil sat there thinking these thoughts, before remembering that Dan loved to hear Phil's thoughts out loud. 

"Dan... want you... to fuck me... until I can't breathe or walk or even think." Dan grinned his dangerous grin, and his fingers were replaced with his dick, and this time he wasn't gentle. He didn't give Phil time to adjust, he just plunged all the way in, and then pulled out to the tip, and then was balls-deep two seconds later. Phil whimpered, and heard Dan hum in response. All of a sudden, Dan was grabbing Phil's legs and hoisting them up so that Phil's ankles were resting on Dan's shoulders, and the change in weight caused Phil to slide down on the bed frame, stretching his arms and tightening the belt around his neck, but it felt good. The belt was cutting off some of his air now, but he liked it. He was getting that same feeling in his head that you get when you're tipsy, just feeling slightly lightheaded, warm, and fuzzy. Was Phil into choking? He'd never thought he was before.

"D'you like this, Philly?"

"Yes!" The exclamation escaped him before he could even think about it. "Yes, Dan! Like it so much!" Dan was hitting that spot with precision now, Phil's legs on his shoulders giving Dan the perfect angle. 

"You like it rough, Philly?" And Philly did. Philly liked it so rough. His arms strained against the belt, digging into his wrists and the pain felt so good.

"Yes, Dan, I do! I love it rough! Make me need a wheelchair!" Dan paused for a moment and looked at Phil with an expression that both said 'really?', but also was admiring the uniqueness of his boyfriend.

"Only you, Phil." Dan mused, taking a moment of softness to reach out a hand and brush back a piece of Phil's hair. After a moment, he questioned, "Want me to continue?" 

"Yes." Phil pleaded breathily. "First though... kiss?" Dan smiled and leaned up, causing his cock to hit Phil's sensitive spot, but Phil tried to stay calm to enjoy the sweet kiss before Dan pulled back and almost out of Phil entirely, then thrust back in with all his might. It only took about four more minutes of this before they were both coming, and Dan untied Phil, they cleaned up, and crawled under the sheets.

"Wow..." Dan laughed a bit. "I did not expect that from you, Phil." 

"Honestly, neither did I." Phil was laughing too, incredibly surprised at himself.

"Not that I'm complaining." Dan clarified, nuzzling into Phil's shoulder. 

"We really were stupid. For _nine years_." Phil chuckled, but this time it was soft and quiet as he was beginning to drift into sleep.

And then Dan responded, but it was muffled in Phil's shoulder and he was mumbling, his voice low as he began to fall asleep as well. Phil couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard something along the lines of,"Well, what's eight years when you have a lifetime?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god guys, as I was writing this we hit 1000 reads!!! Thank you all so much <3 <3 <3
> 
> Sorry I know this chapter was kinda short, I was literally falling asleep at the end xD Also sorry I've been writing so many notes xD if you guys hate them let me know and I'll really try to cut back


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry about the lack of updates lately, I really am trying to update at least once a day, but life is getting kind of hectic and I don't want to put out rushed chapters. I'm trying!

The next two days passed in a blur of sex and sand and ocean and exotic flavored drinks. It was incredible, but by the time they were packing for the airport, they were both very ready to return home.

"Do you think she'll have said another word?" Dan asked, nervous.

"No... I hope not at least. Or started to walk on her own." Phil tried to reassure them both, but he was just as worried that they may have missed one of Anna's big first moments.

"I miss her, Phil. We're never leaving again." Phil knew that this was an empty promise, but right now he understood and felt the same. They made their way to the airport and onto the plane. The flight was long and choppy, and while they were both used to flying because of their jobs and turbulence didn't generally get to either of them, they were both clinging to each other for dear life by the end of this flight, hearts pounding in fear. 

When they landed and boarded the train to Phil's mums, turning their phones off Airplane Mode, Dan remarked that he had gotten a missed call from a number he didn't know.

"Did they leave a voicemail?" Phil asked, wondering if it could be a prank call from another YouTuber. 

"Yeah... here one second." Dan began listening to the voicemail, and his eyes went slightly wide, nodding a bit as he listened. Eventually he clicked his phone off and put it back in his pocket. 

"That was a hospital. Nightingale Hospital." Phil nodded, eyebrows furrowing together in confusion, because the Nightingale Hospital was a clinic in London that housed people with serious mental illnesses. Why would they be calling Dan? His question was answered as Dan continued, "Michelle is there. Apparently she's been there since the day after she came to our house... They've had her on intensive watch, not allowed to see anyone other than her caretakers, but now she wants to see us and they think it might be a good idea for her to talk to people she used to know. Apparently she has intense schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, and they're pretty sure she's bipolar." Phil felt the air leave his chest at the amount of things on that list. 

They were silent for a moment, absorbing that information, before Phil spoke. "Do you want to go see her?"

"I don't know. I mean yes, I feel like we have to. I'm just... I'm nervous."

"Me too. It'll be okay though. Hopefully she's getting the help she needs and she'll be better. Maybe they'll even release her soon."

"Maybe." Dan agreed, but Phil could tell his boyfriend didn't believe that she'd be getting let out anytime soon.

"Alright, well we can think about all of that tomorrow, for now we're almost at my mums and we're about to get to see our daughter again." Phil got he want from this comment, Dan's expression changing from one of stress and worry to one of excitement and love. Dan pulled Phil in for a tight hug. 

"I can't wait for us all to be together again. Lah-uv!" Dan mimicked Anna's first word, reminding Phil of the day they had left, and he felt a grin spread across his face.

They made it to Phil's mums, and when she opened the door holding Anna, Phil could have sworn his daughter had grown in just four days. Dan took their daughter from his mom, Phil coming to stand in front of him and look down at their baby who giggled up at them. 

"She missed you." Phil's mum remarked from the doorway.

"We missed her." Phil responded, not taking his eyes off his baby for a second. 

"Do you boys want to come inside for some food? I made some chicken if you'd like." Dan and Phil both nodded and came into the house, still fawning over their baby, playing with her little feet and asking her if she missed her daddies. When they settled down to eat, they brought her crib to right between their seats so she could see both of them as they ate. 

"So how was your trip?" Phil's mum asked, to which he and Dan both enthusiastically commented 'Good!' with no more explanation. That trip was not one to tell your mum about.

"Anna didn't say any more new words, did she?" Phil asked, nervous to hear the answer.

"Of course not, she finally gets out one and you expect her to start spewing the dictionary? You've got to give her time, honey." Phil's mom reassured, and a huge weight lifted off of both of the mens' shoulders. 

Of course Mrs. Lester wasn't going to tell them how only a few hours after their departure Anna had began crying 'Dada?' and looking around for them. She'd repeated that word whenever she was sad the past few days, and Phil's mum knew they'd discover it soon, and it'd be more special if they thought it was the first time. 

They ate and thanked Phil's mum and gathered all of Anna's things, and then they were on the train and back at their house and Anna was sleeping so they both decided to take a nap as well, exhausted from travel. 

When Anna woke them up, crying, Phil brought her to the kitchen and mashed up some bananas for her. When he sat down at the table and began to spoon them into her mouth, Dan walked in rubbing his eyes.

"Dan you didn't have to come out, I can take care of her. Get some rest."

"No, I wanted to come out. I know you can take care of her, but I miss her, okay?" Phil smiled. They were hopeless. Anna ate about a third of a banana before she was done, blowing air through her lips making a 'ppppft' sound. Phil laughed and wiped a bit of the leftover banana off her face, and she looked up and smiled.

"Dada!" She exclaimed, pointing at Phil. Phil's eyes shot wide open, and then over to Dan who shared his expression. 

"What'd you just say, Anna?" Dan asked, coming over behind Phil to speak to their child. 

"Dada!" now she pointed at Dan, and Phil's heart swelled. 

"Yes, yes that's your dada." Anna giggled with her accomplishment, and Phil knew he could never love anyone more. 

The rest of the day was spent encouraging Anna as she worked on her two words, 'Dada' and 'Lah-uv!' which was always accentuated with a little squeak at the end. After dinner, Anna fell asleep and Dan got on his computer.

"Phil? What do you think we should do about Michelle?" he asked, pulling up the Nightingale Hospital website.

"I don't know..." Phil responded. He really _didn't_ know what they should do. Honestly now that Alice was gone, he realized that he and Michelle had never been that close. She had been fun and adventurous, but she wasn't the type of person Phil saw he or Dan being friends with if she hadn't been with Alice. Now that she had barged in and screamed at them that winter, there was definitely a part of him that wanted to stay away from her. Not to mention the fact that she brought up all his feelings about Alice, and also made him a bit nervous about Anna.

She couldn't take Anna away from them if she wanted, could she? He knew that thought was ridiculous and they'd never take a child away from two loving parents to give her back to the woman who gave her away and then was institutionalized, but the irrational part of him worried sometimes. All that being said, she had been their friend and she'd clearly been through a lot, and if she really was doing better he felt that he and Dan should help her. Maybe one day she could even play a small part in Anna's life. At least get to meet her, and if not for her then for Anna.

Phil sighed. "I guess going to meet with her at the hospital is a good idea. I mean worst comes to worst we can just leave. We could ask Louise to take Anna while we go to the hospital." Dan nodded, and pulled up the 'contact' tab on the hospital's website, typing out a quick email. Phil pulled out his phone and asked Louise if she was free sometime this week to watch Anna for an afternoon, and within just a few seconds of sending the message, received a reply saying, 'YES!!!!!!!!!!'

"Louise is on board to watch Anna when we go." Dan just nodded, and they brushed their teeth and crawled into bed. Just as they were about to switch off the lights, Dan's phone beeped and he opened his email.

"Tomorrow at one?" Phil texted Louise, and she agreed. 

There. It was done. Tomorrow they were going to visit Michelle. 

Phil woke up to Anna crying at 5am, but Dan was already out of the bed and making his way to the crib, lifting their daughter out gently and patting her back. He changed her diaper, and Anna quieted down, but when Dan returned her to the crib she began crying again. Dan bounced her for a bit and then tried once more, but the minute she realized she was being put into the crib, she started wailing. Dan looked up at Phil exhausted and defeated. 

"What do I do?" He pleaded, bags under his eyes. 

"Just bring her here." Phil said sleepily, patting the bed next to him.

"Can't babies die like that, though?"

"No I read somewhere that that's mostly just the first two or three months. Just... be careful, okay?" Dan nodded, finding a hard time disagreeing with any idea that might allow him more sleep, and brought Anna to lay down in between her two fathers. Phil reached forward, only half awake and stroked Anna's arm gently with the back of his fingers. 

"Love you, Anna." 

"Lah-uv!" She clapped her hands happily, and Phil smiled. He and Dan each positioned themselves so they were on the very edges of the bed, Anna in the middle, so even if they did roll over a bit they wouldn't roll onto her. They each reached out an arm and Phil placed his over her torso, Dan's on top of his so they had a reference to where she was. Phil smiled as he felt Dan lovingly swipe his thumb back and forth over the back of Phil's hand, and he fell back asleep.

He awoke again at ten, looking over to see Anna sound asleep under his palm. He smiled and sat up, lifting his baby into his arms. She was so perfect. How had they gotten so lucky, she was honestly the easiest child to take care of, and absolutely precious. 

Dan was sound asleep, mouth hanging open slightly, and his face was relaxed. Phil loved seeing Dan this way, all the stress of life wiped from his face as he slept. Phil slipped off the bed, careful not to wake Dan or Anna who he held in his arms, depositing her gently into her crib. Phil got out his laptop which he was keeping in Dan's room now, and settled back onto the bed, opening his folder of video ideas.

The list was depressingly small, and he felt bad. He and Dan had neglected their audience lately, and they both knew it. He decided that this week, after visiting Michelle today, he'd make sure to put up an AmazingPhil video _and_ be sure that he and Dan recorded something for DanandPhilGAMES. Their fans had been so supportive of them through so many changes this year, and he wanted to start getting content back out to them. 

Phil wrote out a new script for his main channel and then decided that he and Dan could revisit Bishi Bashi Special as they had intended to months ago, but had never uploaded since they were in the middle of a fight. Phil couldn't even remember the fight anymore, and thought it was silly now that he knew they were both probably just repressing their feelings for each other. At least it hadn't gone on for too long. 

Just as he was typing out the last few lines of his video, Phil heard Dan stir from the bed. 

"Morning, Bear." He said over his shoulder, and a moment later he felt Dan's arms draping themselves over Phil's shoulders and his boyfriend's chin resting atop his head. 

"Morning Philly." God, Dan had sexy morning voice. "New video?"

"Yeah... I feel kinda bad. We've been sort of neglecting our fans lately and they've been so supportive... I want to start uploading more often." He knew how many times they'd each said those words, but he really felt he meant it this time. Of course, he really felt he meant it every time... but Phil wasn't one to give up. 

"Bishi Bashi? That didn't go too well last time..." Dan mused, chuckling slightly.

"Yeah, well I'd like to think we're in a slightly better place now." Phil responded, and Dan leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead. 

"I'd say so." 

They made breakfast, feeding Anna some oatmeal, making cereal for themselves. At noon they heard a knock on the door, and Louise came in and picked up Anna, thanking the two men for finally taking her up on her babysitting offer and scolding them, saying that she misses their daughter and they need to let her come over or babysit more often. They both laughed and thanked her, and then Louise and Anna were gone and they were in a cab, and then they were standing on the pavement looking up at the Nightingale Hospital.

"You ready?" Phil asked, taking Dan's hand in his and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"As ready as I'll ever be. Let's go." And they stepped into the clinic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know much about some of the disorders in this, I'm doing my best to research them and make this all realistic, but if any of this is incorrect I apologize. Also, the Nightingale Hospital is a real mental health hospital in London, but everything besides the name is fictional, as I know nothing about the specific clinic.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

The word 'Hospital' was too kind for this place. 'Sanitorium' or 'Asylum' felt more fitting. The floors were dirty white tile, and everything was lit by overhead fluorescent lights. Dan and Phil made their way to the front desk where a woman was sat at her computer, clad in scrubs. 

She looked up as the two men approached her, and put down her pen. Her features were sharp, and while they weren't hostile, they weren't friendly either. 

"Can I help you?" She asked in a snappy tone.

"Um... my name is Dan. I had an appointment to see Michelle." The woman clicked a few things into her computer, and nodded in confirmation.

"Follow me, then." The two men followed her down a hall and into a room with a table and chairs. It looked like something out of a detective movie, two chairs across from one, with a hole in the table where handcuffs made their way through. Dan and Phil took their seats across from the single chair, exchanging a worried glance, and the woman left the room saying she'd return shortly. She did return about three minutes later, leading Michelle behind her, hooking her up to the cuffs, and leaving the room saying that if Dan and Phil needed anything they should just press a button placed on their side of the table and someone would come get them.

Michelle looked awful. She was clad only in a thin gown, and her hair was pulled back into a low ponytail that looked like it hadn't been touched in weeks. She had dark bags under her eyes which were glazed over and didn't seem to entirely focus on anything, flitting around the room.

"Hi." She spoke lowly.

"Hey, Michelle. How are you?" Phil asked in a soft voice.

"I'm fine." she snapped, and Dan and Phil sat back, taking her words as a hint that she wanted to run this conversation and take it at her own pace. There was a long silence, and Phil was just starting to wonder if he should try again, when she spoke so quietly he could barely make out the words.

"How is she." She didn't phrase it as a question.

"She's good. She's really good." Dan responded, and Phil recognized his tone of voice. It was the same tone Dan used whenever Phil was feeling helpless or out of control. "She's healthy and happy, and has even started talking." Michelle nodded, looking down at the table, her mouth twisting a bit in a grimace. 

"I want to see her." She stated after a few moments.

"Michelle... I think we all know that can't happen just now..." Phil began, and Michelle slammed her hands on the table, looking up at him directly for the first time.

"DO YOU THINK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THAT? I MEANT A PICTURE, I'M WELL AWARE OF MY CURRENT SITUATION!" She raised her hands up angrily, tugging at the cuffs to indicate said 'situation'. Dan and Phil each jumped a bit, but then tried to relax, attempting to stay calm for their old friend.

Phil took out his phone quickly and pulled up a recent photo, one they took right before leaving for Thailand. The photo had the three of them laying down, Anna laying on her back, smiling up at the camera in a bright ruffly turquoise dress, while the two men on either side of her looked at her, smiling. It was adorable and when they had posted it to Instagram it quickly had become Phil's most liked photo ever. 

He couldn't read Michelle's face as she looked at the phone, and eventually he pulled it back, putting it back in his pocket. They sat in silence for a long time. Michelle was looking confused. At first she looked happy and loving, but then her expression began shifting, and it was starting to make Phil nervous. Finally, her face seemed to rest on a cold angry glare at the table.

"You did this." She whispered icily. "You took her away from me."

"Michelle, you asked us to take her..." Dan began.

"NOT HER. ALICE. YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME!" Dan and Phil both looked at her, shocked and confused. 

"YOU KILLED HER I KNOW YOU DID! YOU KILLED HER SO YOU COULD STEAL MY BABY AND THIS WAS ALL A PLAN YOU HAD AND NOW YOU GET HER AND I DON'T AND I'M STUCK HERE AND ALICE IS GONE AND SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK!" Her screams turned into sobs here, repeating those last few words in defeat. "She's never coming back, she's never coming back, she's never coming back." 

Dan shot Phil a glance, and he nodded, pressing the button to call in one of the nurses. She arrived and told Dan and Phil to leave, thanking them for visiting. They made their way out quickly, and when they reached the sidewalk Phil turned towards Dan, expecting shock or confusion, but he got neither. 

Before Phil could even turn fully, he felt Dan's forehead bury itself into his shoulder, and put his arms around Dan instinctively as he felt and heard the sobs shaking boyfriend's body.

"It's going to be okay, Dan. She's only been in there a few months, she's getting help, she'll be okay she just needs time." Dan shook his head into Phil's shoulder at these words.

"She was right, Phil. She's never coming back." And then Phil understood that these tears weren't for Michelle, they were for Alice. He squeezed his boyfriend tight, trying to comfort him. Eventually they made their way to a bench and sat there, Phil rubbing Dan's back as his tears slowly faded. 

Of course, this was just when Phil saw the teenage boy walk up to them, and by the look on his face Phil knew he recognized them.

This boy was probably about fifteen, and he walked up, shocking Phil as he actually had the audacity to spit at their feet. 

"Fucking fags." The kid spat out, and then sat back awaiting a response. Phil decided not to give him one, continuing to comfort his boyfriend who now had his face buried in his hands, clearly not wanting to deal with this situation.

"What, you just gonna ignore me? I know all about how disgusting you two are. Not to mention that you're fucking liars? Acting like you weren't together for so long? Why, you ashamed of it? Because you should be. Everything about you two is _wrong_." Phil was doing his best to ignore this kid, hoping that if he didn't get any reaction he'd just leave, but the boy continued. "You should just fucking kill yourselves. Oh, and I saw the fucking Valentine's Day video. You two are so fucking gay I don't even know how you-" And Phil would never know what the rest of that sentence was going to be, because it was then that Dan took his face out of his hands, stood up, took two paces towards the kid, and before Phil could stop him, Dan punched the boy in the jaw, sending him to the ground, unconscious. 

Phil felt like time slowed to a crawl just then. He was standing up and pulling Dan away from the teenager, whipping him around to face Phil. Dan was shaking his hand in pain, shock written all over his face. Someone down the street was yelling at them, and he saw them take out a phone to presumably call the police. Phil just looked up into Dan's eyes and watched the realization slowly hit Dan of what he'd just done, the shock, the regret, and then Dan was kneeling on the ground next to the boy, trying to shake him into consciousness, and Dan was crying, and Phil didn't know what to do. 

Eventually the kid woke up and swore at Dan, holding his jaw. The police arrived and looked over the boy, deeming his injuries not necessary of a hospital visit, questioning him about what had happened. Phil watched as Dan answered questions, admitting to punching the teenager. He and Phil explained that the kid had been harassing them, and he was relieved to see that now that the police were involved, the kid seemed much more cooperative, telling the truth that he had been bothering them. 

In the end, Dan and Phil rode down to the station in the back of the cop car. Phil technically didn't have to go, but he wasn't going to leave Dan alone. He texted Louise on the way, explaining that it may be a bit before they pick up Anna. They spent about two hours at the station answering more questions, and in the end Dan had to pay a £200 fine, and was put on probation for three months. This wasn't too big a deal, the issue was going to come with the articles and the fans. The social media response they'd get... well Phil didn't care to think about that right now.

Once everything was sorted out, Phil turned to Dan and pulled him into a hug.

"Today's been awful, what do you say we turn our phones off for the rest of the day, and go get our baby?" Dan nodded in agreement, and they picked up Anna, explaining what had happened to Louise quickly, who was extremely surprised and curious but they got out of there, telling her they'd explain more later but really just wanted to get home now. She understood, and soon they were back at their flat. Anna fell asleep nearly the moment they got back, and even though it was only a little after five, Dan and Phil decided to take a nap, exhausted by the events of the day. 

When they got into bed, Phil rubbed his hand up and down Dan's arm, comforting his boyfriend.

"I know that's a hard day for you to think about, Dan. I'm not blaming you, okay?" Dan nodded, sniffling slightly, and pulled himself into Phil's chest before he fell asleep. Phil sighed. He did understand. Their fans had always thought that the reason they had taken down the V-day video was because of some correlation to the two of them being together, but that wasn't it at all. Phil still remembered getting that call from the hospital. That call that said his friend had overdosed. That call that he received right after uploading the video.

The teenager today had said that they should kill themselves and then mentioned that video right afterwards. Phil could understand why Dan lost it. They had deleted that video, not because of anything it had contained, but because it had been created that day, and neither of them ever wanted to think about that day again. 

Phil sighed, and pulled his boyfriend even closer to him, deciding not to worry about the implications the events of today would have on their future, and instead deciding to just be grateful that he had the man before him, and that he had not lost him all those years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I know I mentioned the vday video in this, in no way do I ever support anyone promoting this video, just trying to make some things make sense with this universe of D&P. Do not go searching for that video.***


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously guys I cannot say how amazing it is, every time I refresh my dashboard, there are more hits on this fic, and just thank you so much <3 please keep commenting on it, I'm not really sure where you guys want this to go or if you want it to be a monster of a fic and go on for many more chapters, or if you'd like it to be a bit more brief. I have plans for either way, but I need your opinions!!! :)  
> Thank you all <3

Phil woke up to see Dan curled into a ball next to him. He looked so peaceful... Phil knew that wouldn't last today. He sighed and got out of bed carefully, bringing Anna into the living room with him. Maybe if Dan had the room to himself he'd get to sleep in a bit longer. Anna stayed asleep, and Phil plopped down on the couch, sighing as he turned on his phone. 

Of course.

All of Phil's social media and messaging apps were overflowing with notifications, and the minute he opened up Twitter he saw the news articles headlined, 'FAMOUS INTERNET STAR VIOLENTLY ATTACKS FAN?',  'WELL KNOWN YOUTUBER DANIEL HOWELL ASSAULTS MINOR', 'DAN HOWELL FINALLY SNAPPED?', and many many more. He sighed, and thought about how to compose this tweet. Eventually he had it all worded out, and posted,

**Hey guys, yesterday we got harassed on the St and Dan made a mistake. He feels awful and I hope you'll wait and let him apologize. Thank you**

The tweet ended up exactly at character limit, and though Phil wasn't sure it was the absolute best thing he could say, he knew one of them had to say something on the sooner side. Immediately he was hit with a flood of comments, some saying things like, 'Oh my god I'm so sorry', 'of course we'll wait for him to talk about it', 'are you okay?', 'Is Anna okay?', 'fuck anyone who harasses my boys', etc... while others were less supportive, reading, 'fuck you, you entitled pricks, you can't just go around hitting fans', 'just because you're famous doesn't mean you can get away with assaulting a minor', 'never watching your videos again', 'you should leave him', and many many more. Phil couldn't take it after about five minutes of reading comments, and he switched his phone back off.

He wanted to go back and never go to that hospital in the first place. He felt so helpless, not knowing how to protect Dan. Anna woke up after a few minutes, and Phil brought her into his lap, rocking her slightly.

"Everything's going to be okay, Anna. Your daddies are going to be okay, this will all bow over." And he knew he wasn't saying these words for Anna's sake. She looked up at him and smiled, dimples appearing on her cheeks.

"Dada!" She exclaimed, and Phil felt a small smile tickle the corners of his mouth. Everything _would_ be okay. It might be tough, but he and Dan had each other, and they had Anna, and so long as that was true everything was going to be okay. His previous worries that Michelle could take Anna from them had disappeared after the visit yesterday, and it helped him relax. Poor Michelle. She had gone through a lot with Alice's death, and clearly wasn't handling it well. 

Phil wondered if she had struggled with some of her mental health issues before Alice's death. He had never known about any of them, but now that he thought back he definitely remembered being in groups and watching Alice pull Michelle over to the side and talk to her, calming her down from something. He remembered a few times when Alice and Michelle would leave parties early or go on long walks in the middle of something, and whenever they'd get back Michelle would seem happier and her eyes would look clearer. Phil just figured that Michelle got overwhelmed sometimes in social situations, and that Alice, being a living angel, was in tune with that and able to help her out. Now he wondered if it was something more. 

Eventually he got up and brought back some applesauce for Anna, spooning it into her mouth, watching as her face lit up. She loved applesauce. He felt a somewhat bittersweet smile cross his face, and he wiped her mouth off when she was done. 

"Morning." Phil turned around to see Dan in the doorway. He got up and made his way to Dan, wrapping his arms around the brunette, pulling him in for a long and tight hug.

"Morning." Phil responded, inhaling the scent of his boyfriend. 

"How bad is it?" Dan asked, pulling away from Phil a bit so he could look him in the eye. "I'm too scared to check myself."

"It's... some people are understanding. Not everyone... but some of them are. I posted something this morning, and most of the people seemed to be willing to wait to hear from you directly before assuming the worst. But the articles are out there... we both knew it would happen. You just... you have to not listen to the news groups, they just want gossip and headlines. Listen to your fans, hopefully they'll understand. Dan nodded slowly.

"Alright, guess I'm doing a liveshow today then." Dan said blankly.

"Really? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"The longer I let it go the worse it'll get. I have to address it now." Dan's words had no inflection, and he looked dead behind the eyes.

"Do you want me to join?" Phil asked, wanting to support his boyfriend in any way possible.

"Not at first... I'll call you in if I change my mind. Thank you." Phil nodded, worried as he watched Dan enter his room and shut the door. Phil pulled out his phone and sent out a tweet.

**Hey guys, Dan's about to start a liveshow. Please try and understand and be supportive. He feels really bad. Thanks.**

Phil sent it out, and waited until Dan had started his stream, clicking on the link to watch his boyfriend from the other room. 

Dan started off the show by greeting people as normal, but after about five minutes when he had given people time to join, he addressed the issue.

"So yes, I know pretty much everyone here wants to hear about what happened yesterday. First of all, of course I regret what I did. It was wrong, and if I could go back and change it I would. Second, no, I didn't just attack some fan out of nowhere. He came up to Phil and I, and I was already in a very bad place. You all know that something bad happened right around the time when we got Anna, well it was related to that and I was already in a very... fragile place." Phil's heart ached at the word 'fragile'. Dan was being so vulnerable, and Phil hated that he wasn't able to support him right now.

He listened as Dan continued, "To call the teen who came up to us a 'fan' seems like a bit of a stretch to me. Yes, by what he told us it seemed he had watched our videos, but he came up to us and immediately attacked. He called us fags in the first sentence he said to us, and continued on to tell us to kill ourselves and many other awful things. I know that violence is not the answer and that in no way is what I did okay, but I need you to know that he wasn't just some fan who I attacked unprovoked. I would like to put out an official apology, if he is watching I am sorry. What I did was wrong. But what you did was wrong as well. I think it's important for people to think of this, because people online tend to assume that they're anonymous, and that can be extremely toxic and spread bullying and harassment. This allows for this harassment to be normalized, and when people see someone who they're used to seeing online, it's as if their actions don't have repercussions.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I apologize for what I did, but also I would like to ask that all of you take a moment before saying something online or in person to consider the person you're saying it to. If you see a man crying on the street and leaning on his boyfriend for support, maybe walking up and verbally harassing them isn't the best course of action. Okay... I guess I'll go through some of the comments now..." Dan began to read out comments, responding to them as they went.

"'Dan no one blames you, we're sorry about what happened.' well thank you, mary284, it means a lot. 'Dan you're a fag, just stop trying, your career is over.' see, yolo5469, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Cyberbullying is too normalized, if you were with a group of your friends would you ever say that to someone's face? I doubt it. Hashtag nicer internet, guys. 'don't listen to the assholes out there, your real fans will stick with you.' thank you, phangirlforlyfe." Dan continued to read out comments for a while, most supportive, some not so much. Eventually, Phil heard his name called from the other room, shut his laptop, and went in to join the show.

"Hey, Dan, hey people of the internet!" Phil said, trying to be cheerful as he joined the liveshow. He had left Anna sleeping on the other side of the door which he left slightly cracked so they could hear if she needed them. "I've been watching along, thank you to everyone who's been supportive, I know everything's a bit crazy right now."

"Honestly, I'm just happy anyone's stuck around with the shitstorm that has been this year." Dan laughed, and Phil fell in love with him all over again, so relieved to see his boyfriend's beautiful smile. 

They spoke to their audience for a while, and eventually were able to move past the subject of yesterday and began talking normally, hinting at some upcoming videos, one of which Phil actually planned on filming right after this show, giving updates on Anna who their audience was still head over heels with. About half the comments were about them having her in a video, and finally it became too much for them to ignore.

"Phil, do you think we'll have Anna in a video anytime soon?" Dan asked, turning to Phil. 

"I don't know... Part of me wants to show her off to the world, and part of me is worried that once she understands the internet and the world a bit better, she'll go online and see herself and be angry. I want our daughter to be able to make her own life, you know? Not be forced into a specific lifestyle just because we have chosen to make our lives public. But I don't know... I mean baby videos can't be _too_ embarrassing... I'm going back and forth honestly. Just so long as you guys promise to let her live her own life as she grows up, I guess." Phil thought out loud, and Dan nodded alongside him.

"I don't know, we're not making any promises, but maybe she'll make an appearance or two in the future." Dan said winking at the camera. 

"Dan, you've really got to stop winking at millions of strangers." Phil laughed, elbowing Dan who shoved him back.

"You're just jealous that I'm giving anyone else my attention." Dan teased, and Phil shoved him away and then pulled him back in for a quick peck. When they turned back around to read the comment string, it was a mess, flying by faster than ever, and Phil estimated that about 98% of the comments were written in all caps. They laughed a bit and Phil blushed, they said their goodbyes, thanking their audience for sticking with them through all of this, and then shut down the stream. 

Phil pulled Dan in for a hug, whispering into his ear, "I'm proud of you, Bear."

"Thanks Philly." Dan whispered back, and they stayed that way for a few moments before pulling apart, Phil placing a delicate kiss on Dan's forehead. Phil got up to his feet and walked out with Dan to check on Anna who was still sound asleep.

"So... I'm thinking I might film a video. Want to be in this one?" Phil asked.

"What is it?"

"I don't know... It might be kinda stupid, and I know we don't do many reaction videos... but I was thinking that now that we're together we could watch some of those fan-made videos throughout the years of 'phan proof' and laugh at how stupid we were." Phil watched as Dan's face lit up, laughing.

"Philly, that's perfect." Phil smiled, and changed his shirt so he wasn't wearing the same from the live stream. Dan did the same, and they set up for filming. 

By the time they were done filming it was only a little after 2:00, and they decided that they'd have lunch, spend some time with Anna, and then maybe film something for Dan's channel. They both felt on a roll and motivated to work on videos, so why not use that motivation while it lasted? They ordered a pizza and changed Anna's diaper when she woke up, feeding her some split pea baby food which she didn't love as much as apple sauce, but tolerated. They were just getting ready to put her in the crib and begin filming a PINOF, because they had missed their one in November since it was in the middle of so much going on in their lives, when Anna looked up at Phil who was putting her into the crib, and squeaked out, 'Pill!" 

Phil almost dropped her.

"What did you say, Anna?" Phil asked, feeling shock mixed with warmth and happiness spread throughout him. 

"Pill!" She exclaimed again, pointing at him and giggling. Phil looked over to Dan who had the back of his hand to his mouth, grinning ear to ear. 

"Phil, she knows your name!" Dan said, walking up behind Phil and resting his hands on his boyfriend's waist. 

"I..." Phil didn't know what to say, so he just stood there for a while.

"You know... I think our fans have waited this long for another PINOF... they can wait a bit longer. I say we film a video with Anna." Phil nodded, pride towards his daughter swelling in his chest. Her third word ever had been his name. 

They set up for the video quickly, and didn't script anything out. It'd probably be a shorter video than usual, mostly just introducing Anna to their fans. They played with her, helped her to walk a few steps with their assistance, and got her to say her three words, 'Lah-uv!', 'dada', and now 'Pill'. They knew their audience would go crazy over these being Anna's words, and Phil couldn't wait to see it. They decided to put this video up before their reaction video, got to editing together, and were clicking upload at 9pm. 

They tweeted out the video and responded to a few excited comments before getting Anna ready to sleep and heading to bed themselves. When Phil stripped down to boxers and then went to pull on his pajama pants, Dan came up to him and stopped him.

"Why do we do that? It's hot as hell in here, and I want to be close to you." Phil blushed and nodded, staying in only his boxers as he climbed into bed with Dan who was equally undressed. Dan pulled Phil close and brought him into a kiss. "Philly, I love you so much. No matter what happens, you're always there for me and I couldn't be luckier. Thank you." Dan looked into Phil's eyes in earnest, and Phil felt his heart expand, and placed a kiss between Dan's eyebrows.

"I love you too, Bear. I'm always here." And Phil thought once again of just how stupid they had been for so many years. How had he gone so long without seeing he was in love with his best friend? Though he still didn't really know when it started. That reminded Phil of how curious he was of when Dan had realized he liked Phil as more than a friend, but when he looked towards Dan to ask, his boyfriend was already asleep, face soft, and Phil smiled. His question could wait, for now he'd just appreciate that they had each other. 


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating yesterday, once again my life just got kinda crazy and updates won't be able to come out as frequently as they did at the start
> 
> Also I'm sorry, tbh I am feeling a bit lost with the story right now. I know I say this every time basically, but PLEASE comment below with what you want from it. Are you looking more for smut, fluff, angst? Something else? Just want to know what you guys like/want so I know who I'm writing for :)

***Two months later***

 

Phil woke up and a rush of excitement passed through him. Today his daughter turned one year old.

"Dan! Dan, get up!" He shook his boyfriend awake, laughing as he watched Dan's annoyed face at being woken up quickly shift to one of excitement as he realized what day it was. Dan pulled Phil in for a hug, and Phil smiled into Dan's shoulder. 

"We've done it. We've been parents for _a whole year_!" Phil said warmly.

"And we will be for the rest of our lives." Dan added, giving Phil a short but sweet kiss before getting off the bed.

"I'm going to go make us some pancakes and get Anna some applesauce, you get her ready?" Dan asked, leaving the room, and Phil got out a new dress he and Dan had bought Anna for her birthday. This dress had ruffles for the skirt which alternated turquoise and black, and Phil loved it because it was like the combination of him and Dan. When he woke Anna up to put the dress on her, she grinned and clapped her hands in excitement. 

"Pill!" She exclaimed, grabbing at the dress as he put it over her head, and then scooped her up to bring her to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter with her in his arms, and watched Dan with her. 

"That's your other daddy. His name is Dan. Can you say Dan?"

"Dada!" Anna smiled, and Phil laughed. He felt warm and happy, and he was surrounded by his beautiful family.

So what if there had been some drama around Dan in the news lately? So what if things had gone awfully with Michelle and Anna may never truly have a mother? She had the two most loving fathers in the world, and if she ever needed a woman's advice as she grew up she always had her grandmas and Louise. Phil had been worrying recently about not being good enough, but standing here with his family, this warm feeling flooding through him, he knew that this _was_ family, and that everything was going to be okay.

These thoughts reminded Phil of another thing he'd been thinking of lately. This was his family and he knew it would be forever... and he knew that sometime soon he was going to have to make a trip to the jewelers to pick out that special band of metal that would change his life.

He wanted to be married to Dan. He knew Dan would say yes, he just wanted the proposal to be absolutely perfect, and he hadn't been able to think of the perfect way to do it yet. He didn't want to get the ring until he had a plan, because he knew that once he had it, he wouldn't be able to wait and he'd end up doing some sort of rushed and messy proposal. Phil knew that in the end it really didn't matter, but to him it did, and he wanted it to be the best it could be for Dan because he deserved it. 

Phil realized he'd been zoning out a bit while thinking of all of this when Dan bopped him on the head with a spatula. 

"Earth to Philly, help me bring the food to the table?" Dan grinned, and Phil shook off his thoughts, placing Anna in her highchair at the table, returning to the kitchen to give Dan a peck, and then carrying the pancakes and syrup to the table. Dan followed with some applesauce in a bowl with a blueberry placed decoratively in the middle, and a floppy white stick that nearly made Phil gag.

"Dan, don't tell me you're trying to force feed our daughter cheese! What if she's inherited my taste buds, that's child abuse!" Phil protested, and Dan laughed at him.

"Actually, I gave her some the other day and she loves it. Sorry, Phil, your daughter likes string cheese." Phil made a choking sound, but smiled when he saw Anna's face light up at the food in front of her.

They ate breakfast, and the two men spent most of the meal just watching their daughter lovingly, touching feet under the table. The morning passed lazily, and around noon Dan and Phil began setting up.

They had invited some friends over for a mini party for Anna at one. It'd be a pretty small relaxed 'party', but they knew Anna would like to see some other faces, and Phil knew that both he and Dan would probably do well with having a bit of time to catch up with some of their friends. 

They'd gotten back on track with videos in the past two months, and were actually uploading at a very constant rate for once, but their friendships weren't doing too well. They hadn't seen any of their friends really, save Louise who came over to pick up Anna one night a little over a week ago when the men were really craving some time to themselves. 

At around 1:15, Louise showed up and Phil was pretty sure she didn't even look Dan or Phil in the eyes for at least two minutes after arriving, just going straight to Anna and wishing her a happy first birthday. Phil smiled as he watched their friend fawn over their baby. He laughed a bit, wondering what Phil of three years ago would have said if someone told him that in three years he'd have a baby with Dan, be openly in a relationship with him even to their audience, and even be planning a proposal. He was pretty sure that old Phil would have just laughed. 

Eventually PJ and Chris showed up, and Chris just would not let go of the 'I told you so' from back when Dan and Phil tried to explain to them that their relationship was just for show. Phil marveled at how long ago that felt. The five of them watched cartoons with Anna, and Dan and Phil helped her open her presents from her dads and their friends.

Chris had gotten Anna a few shirts with text on them. They said things like, 'I love my daddies almost as much as they love each other', one that had a ps3 controller on it that said, 'player 3 has entered the game', one with a rainbow heart that read, 'I <3 my gay dads', and of course the beautifully customized one that said, 'Product of Netflix & Phil'. Dan and Phil laughed, thanking Chris for the shirts. 

PJ had gotten her something that Phil was actually kind of excited about. Anna had been crawling for a while now, and PJ had gotten her a baby-proof padded Gopro attached to a headband so that she could wear it and they could see where she crawled off to. He knew they probably wouldn't be letting her wander for a while still, but once she was a bit more mobile it'd be fun to see the world through her eyes. 

Louise had bought her an array of adorable tiny baby shoes, socks, and bows for her hair that was now long enough that it was actually curling around her ears. Dan and Phil smiled as they saw that she had stuck with the turquoise theme, and thanked their friend.

Now it was Phil's turn, and he pulled from behind his back a large box and helped Anna to unwrap it. He smiled as he saw his friends' reactions when they opened the keyboard. It was definitely made for children, but it was much nicer than your classic 'kids keyboard'. 

Phil looked up at Dan and elaborated, "I know you're always talking about actually taking lessons again, but you never do, and I know it's good to start piano from a young age. I bought both of you piano lessons from a teacher who's apparently amazing and who will come to our house to coach you. Maybe it'll be a talent of Anna's, and I know it'll be fun for you to do together. Right now you both have a year of lessons, but if she's liking it I'll extend that as long as she wants." Dan smiled and hugged Phil, as Anna slammed her hands down onto the keys, enjoying the keyboard even though it wasn't on or plugged in. 

Everyone turned to Dan, who looked up and shrugged. 

"Sorry guys, I'm not giving her present to her until tonight. You'll all hear about it, though." This of course prompted a wave of questions from their friends, and Phil felt his own curiosity prick at him, wondering what Dan could have gotten her that he didn't want to give in front of their friends. Phil let it go, and eventually so did the other three. They watched one more cartoon, and then their friends left, making Phil swear to tell them about whatever Dan's present was because they didn't trust him to tell them. Phil laughed and assured them he would, and then they were gone and Phil was alone with Dan and Anna again.

"So...." He started, turning to Dan. "What's this big secret of a gift?" Dan smiled and went into his room, returning with a picture. An actual glossy photograph, which Phil realized was something he hadn't seen in ages. Phil took the picture, confused when he saw a picture of a puppy.

"What's this?" He asked, because this gift didn't clear anything up.

"Well... that's King. He's a pitbull, and as of next week, he'll be ours. Though we may want to change his name. I read that pitbulls are the best breed of dogs to bond with babies, and just look at how adorable he is!" Dan grinned with pride, but Phil was still extremely confused.

"Dan... you know we can't have pets here, right? Our landlord won't allow it, we've gone through this before." Dan's grin only got wider here, as he finally explained.

"I know. I guess we'll have to do something about that..." Dan pulled out his phone and clicked on a photo, raising it so Phil could see. It was a house. Phil's expression slowly shifted as it began to sink in.

"Dan... wait... no what? Wait okay I need you to tell me exactly what is going on." He was stuttering, confused, but he thought he knew what Dan was going to say, and sure enough...

"We're moving, Phil. I signed the lease two days ago, we can start moving now. I've hired professional movers who will help us to pack up and transfer all our stuff quickly. It's just about ten blocks away in a nice neighborhood, and we can have a dog there. It's bigger and not too expensive, and if you hate it of course we can do something else, but I really think you'll like it, and I'm really excited and..." Dan trailed off, and Phil could tell he was getting nervous that he had done something wrong, so Phil shut him up with a kiss. 

"Are you kidding me, Dan? That's incredible! I hate this apartment, we need somewhere new, oh my god I love you so much!" The words came rolling out of Phil, and he felt like laughing and crying all at once. 

Dan hugged him back, but after a few moments he pulled away and left for the kitchen, returning with three cupcakes. One was small and had a candle in it, and Dan lit the candle, bringing it to Anna's highchair. They sang happy birthday and helped her blow out the candle, being sure to keep it far enough away that she couldn't touch the flame while it was lit. She fell asleep soon after eating, and Dan and Phil got ready for bed. 

"It's been a year." Phil said in the doorway, watching Dan change into pyjamas. "One year ago today I was standing in the kitchen with a baby that I had no idea what to do with, and I thought that you would be moving out and we wouldn't be friends anymore. I was panicking with a newborn I was completely unprepared for. And now..."

Dan walked up to Phil and reached his hand up to brush Phil's fringe out from behind his glasses and in his eyes.

"And now you know how ridiculous it was to believe that I would ever leave you." Dan wrapped his hand behind Phil's head and pulled him in for a kiss. Phil felt tingles run through him and he smiled into the kiss.

"It wouldn't have been ridiculous. Honestly I think it was kind of crazy that you stayed."

"Well I guess I'm just crazy, then." Dan pushed Phil slowly against the wall, placing his hands on either side of Phil's head. Phil leaned back against the wall as Dan moved his kisses from Phil's mouth to his ear, tugging at his earlobe with his teeth for a minute, then moving down Phil's neck to his collarbone where Dan stopped and worked at a hickey for a few moments. Phil felt his cock twitch. It hadn't been _too_ long, but they hadn't done anything besides kiss for a little over a week, keeping too busy with videos and Anna, and he missed Dan.

Phil knew Dan well enough to know that right now Dan wanted control and to be able to do with Phil what he pleased, and Phil wanted to let him, so he just stood there, allowing Dan to slowly break away from him to lift Phil's shirt over his head and remove his own, then move back in to give him another hickey. Dan placed several of these marks over Phil's chest until he was fairly certain he could cosplay as a dalmatian just by wearing a v-neck. 

After several minutes of this, Phil was very aroused at he knew that at this point Dan was just torturing him.

"More..." he pleaded, allowing his voice to come out high and whiny, knowing Dan loved this. Sure enough, he felt Dans lips tighten against his skin in a smile, then relax again to finish what they had started. Once he was sufficiently pleased with this last bruise, he moved his kisses back up to Phil's lips, now moving faster, and the kiss was growing more and more heated by the moment. Phil felt Dan roll his body into Phil's, and was pleased when he felt that Dan seemed to be just as aroused as he was. 

Dan took Phil's bottom lip in his teeth and bit down a little harder than usual, to which Phil opened his eyes in surprise. It didn't hurt much, just shocked him. He looked up and saw that Dan was looking into his eyes, his gaze hungry. Dan slowly began to move backwards, hands staying around Phil's neck, pulling him with the brunette towards the bed. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's waist and moved with him, bottom lip still between Dan's teeth. 

Once the back of Dan's legs touched the side of the bed, he spun them around slowly until Phil was the one backed up against the bed, and only then did he release Phil's lip before immediately taking both of them back up in his mouth, resuming their kiss. Slowly, Phil felt himself being pushed down onto the bed, and then felt Dan's weight press him even deeper into the mattress. Without allowing it, a low growl escaped Phil's throat, and his eyes shot wide in surprise, unaware that his vocal chords were capable of that sound. When his eyes opened, he saw Dan's open as well, but his were only halfway shocked. The majority of the look in his eyes made Phil honestly wonder if flames could appear in someone's eyes if they were turned on enough, because Dan's eyes were dark and hot and filled with fire and hunger.

Dan went in quickly for another deep kiss, clacking teeth a bit with Phil because he wasn't being careful anymore, then moved his kisses down, peppering Phil's chest and stomach until he got to his waistband, and pulled off both Phil's pants and boxers in one swift move. Phil allowed his head to fall back on the bed, no longer watching Dan, just accepting whatever this man wanted to do to him. He heard Dan removing his own clothing, and then felt Dan's skin against his own as he climbed on top of the man on the bed. 

"Dan..." his voice came out breathy, but he allowed it to, knowing Dan probably enjoyed this. "I want you to do whatever you want with me. I don't care. Please." He looked up to see Dan's small smirk before he felt the younger man's warm, wet mouth around his cock. He only stayed there for a few bobs, just getting Phil wet and hard as a rock before he came to kneel over Phil and move him so he was lying lengthwise on the bed. Dan got up and left, and Phil left his eyes closed. A few moments later, he heard Dan return and felt Dan's weight on the bed next to him. He kept his eyes closed as he felt the soft and thin bit of fabric be wrapped and then tied around his head, efficiently blinding Phil even if he did decide to open his eyes.

Phil felt another soft piece of fabric go around his wrists, tying them together. He wasn't tied to a headboard or anything, just to himself this time, and he liked that. It gave him some freedom to move, but still kept the feeling of being restrained. Phil felt Dan's hands on his hips, and complied as Dan rolled Phil over and then pulled him up so Phil was on all fours, propping himself up by his palms tied together in the front. He felt his head being tugged back, and knew that Dan must have grabbed the back of whatever fabric he was using for the blindfold, and was pulling so that Phil's neck was craned back and up towards the ceiling. Phil allowed his mouth to fall open as his head was pulled backwards, and then he heard the bottle being uncapped.

He felt as Dan's slick fingers worked their way inside of him, one by one, stopping each time to move around and loosen Phil up, but he was so relaxed already that Dan was able to move through this stage quickly. Before he knew it, he was feeling Dan's fingers pull out of his body, quickly to be replaced by Dan's own length. Phil moaned a bit, and when the sound escaped him, Dan pulled his neck back, firm but not too hard to actually hurt Phil.

"Louder." Dan commanded, his voice low and strong. 

"Yes... yes Dan please." He vocalized, happy that he had found this little trick to hit all the right nerves with his boyfriend. Dan grunted as he began to move in and out of Phil, and it was rough but it didn't hurt. What did begin to hurt was when Dan started to make use of his hand that wasn't pulling Phil's neck back whenever he made a sound. He moved this other hand off of Phil's hip where he had been steadying himself, and up to the back of Phil's shoulder. Phil felt Dan's nails press into him, and whined as Dan dragged his nails all the way down to the top of Phil's bum.

It hurt, but it also felt good. It left Phil wanting more, so he told Dan.

"More... please, Dan. More." Dan reached up again, pulling almost entirely out of Phil at the same time, and then thrust back in with all his might, scratching deeply down Phil's back in the same movement, and Phil let a huge sound escape him, being cut off slightly when Dan pulled Phil's head back in approval. This continued for about ten minutes, Phil pleading for more and Dan giving it to him, until Phil could actually feel a small bit of warm liquid on his back. He felt Dan pause then, but when he heard Phil beg for him to continue, Dan obliged despite the blood that Phil knew was beginning to seep out of the scratches down his back. 

Finally, Dan let go of the blindfold, allowing Phil's head to drop as he used his right hand to tweak Phil's nipple underneath his body, running his fingernails down the center of Phil's spine as he thrust into him, and Phil felt himself being filled with Dan's orgasm. He heard Dan moan, and this was all he needed to send himself over the edge as well, creating a small puddle on the sheets. He collapsed into the puddle, Dan on top of him, shocked. He had never come before without being touched, and he was amazed that that actually worked. He felt the last few throbs pulse out, both from inside of him and on the sheets, and felt as Dan slowly pulled out, leaving Phil feeling cold and empty. They lay there for a moment, before Dan undid Phil's ties and kissed him on the cheek.

"As much as I really want to just stay here and fall asleep right now, we should really get washed up." Dan whispered, and Phil nodded.

"Two minutes?" He pleaded, watching as Dan smiled, and they closed their eyes. A few minutes later, Phil decided he really did need to wash up, and got out of bed, dragging Dan along with him. When they entered the bathroom, he heard Dan whisper a small 'oh my god'. 

"Is everything okay?" Phil asked, turning to face Dan.

"Philly... your back..." Dan whispered, one hand over his mouth, and Phil turned his back to the mirror, craning his neck to see.

His jaw dropped a bit as he saw the entirety of his back covered in red. There were some deep scratches where the blood was darker, but mostly it was just smudged blood in fingerprints all over Phil's back. It looked like something out of a horror movie, but when Phil looked closer and remembered that it didn't hurt all that bad, he knew it would be much better when he cleaned off.

"It's okay. It was dark in there, you probably just didn't see it too well." Phil reassured Dan, grabbing his hand and squeezing.

"Well, that and the fact that my eyes were closed most of the time." Dan smiled a bit, and Phil laughed.

"Well that's something that I wouldn't know, now would I?" He chuckled, since not only had he been faced away from Dan, but he'd been blindfolded. "I mean really, I've heard you joke about kinks over the years, but I never knew you were actually so crazy. In a good way." He added the last bit on to reassure Dan that he liked it, as they got into the shower.

"Hey, you're one to talk, Mr: 'more, Dan, please, more more MORE!'" Dan raised his voice into a high pitch at the end, almost shouting the words, and Phil clamped a hand over his boyfriend's mouth, laughing.

"Dan, you're gonna wake up Anna! Not to mention our neighbors!" He pulled his hand away, and turned the water on, splashing Dan who pulled him into a revenge hug, kissing Phil's forehead. 

"God, I love you Philly." 

"Shut up and help me wash off my back." Phil laughed, as they cleaned up and then went to bed, removing the duvet for some much needed washing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I'm realizing just how like... rebellious I am with this fic xD like everything HAS to be different from your 'classic fic'.
> 
> i.e.   
> -Fuck it Dan tops in this fic,  
> -Nope they're not going to fucking Japan, howsabout Thailand?  
> -You know what no I'll put in PJ and Chris but no KicktheStickz   
> -They're getting a pitbull, not a shibe  
> -You know what, they're gonna tell people they're together before they are, not the other way around
> 
> and like a hundred more but I'm just writing this as an afterthought and I'm too tired to come up with more rn xD


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Phil woke up to the sound of people talking in the house, and shot straight up in bed. Immediately he regretted it, feeling the soreness of his backside. He looked around and saw that Dan wasn't there, so he slowly got out of bed and got dressed, moving gingerly to not strain his aching bottom. When he walked out into the lounge, he saw Dan standing and gesturing towards different things they owned, talking to two large men with clipboards who were taking down notes about everything he said. 

When Phil entered, Dan looked over to him and walked over, planting a kiss on Phil's lips and snaking his arm around the older man's hips, turning back to the two strangers.

"This is my boyfriend, Phil. Phil, this is James," Phil shook the first man's hand, "and this is Liam," he shook the other's, "and they're the ones who are going to help us pack up and move. How long is your estimate again?" 

"Well, we haven't seen everything yet. But if the rest of the house isn't too big and it's similar to this, we're looking at about a day, day and a half of packing, and then an afternoon of moving, and we can help set up any large furniture on the other side which will take another few hours. So overall, about a two day job." Liam estimated, squinting at his clipboard. Phil's jaw went slightly slack. In just two days they could be living in their new house? 

Phil looked up at Dan who's eyes were already trained down on him, a loving expression on his face. Phil melted a bit, and once again reminded himself that he really needed to make a trip to the jewelers. He was beginning to feel sad whenever he called Dan his 'boyfriend' or was called it by Dan. He knew it was silly, and it was a bit sad to him, as that word had made him so happy just months earlier. But Dan was more than his boyfriend, and it felt like such a trivial word to try to express how much Dan meant to him. 

"Alright, well let's get packing! Anna's already had breakfast and she's napping, so right now's our time to buckle down and get this done!" Dan said excitedly, and they set to work. 

Phil immediately excused himself to go change out of pajamas, but really it was just an excuse to actually throw their duvet in the wash and hide the bottle of lube in a bag of his. He didn't want Liam and James to come in and see that. He then grabbed a granola bar and got to munching as he joined them to begin packing up the lounge. They worked for about six hours, only taking small breaks for snacks or for one of the fathers to entertain Anna as they watched the house get put into boxes.

At about 3pm they ordered a pizza and decided to take a break, Phil pulling Anna into his lap as the four adults settled down to watch an episode or two of 'Friends'. They'd learned that Liam and James both loved the show as well, and it was a nice short show that they could watch on their break, but that would allow them to get back to packing soon. 

Of course they decided to choose the episode where they move the sofa, and the four of them belly laughed at Ross shouting "PIVOT! PIVOT! PIVOT!" Over and over again.

"Dan I swear to god if you make that joke when we're moving things tomorrow..." Phil threatened, and Dan shoved his side with his elbow.

"You _know_ I'm going to, and don't even try to act like it won't be hilarious." Phil glared at his boyfriend - still somewhat hating that word - but then he cracked and smiled, leaning against his shoulder, Anna giggling in his arms. Phil realized how grossly couple-y they were being, and looked over at the two movers somewhat worried, but he saw that they were both looking at the family sweetly. He was a bit surprised, these were two large men, and Phil didn't like to judge, but they were definitely the type of people he usually wouldn't be so openly gay around. They seemed like they could be judgemental, or more likely just made uncomfortable by it.

Phil realized just how wrong he had been when Liam looked over to James and raised his eyebrows, asking a question, and then Phil watched as James laced his fingers through Liam's as they sat eating pizza. James looked back over at Dan and Phil, and lightly threatened, "No one else knows, alright? You two seem cool and all, but don't go blabbing." Dan chuckled and shook his head.

"Of course not. Congrats, by the way." Phil watched Liam and James relax, and he felt happiness spread through his body. Who knew these two men's story, but he was happy that his family made a comfortable enough space for the two men to feel okay being out around them, especially since it sounded like they weren't in their normal lives. 

After the second episode finished, they got back up and Phil put Anna back in her crib, returning to packing. Hours passed, and Phil was amazed when they did a final walk through of the house at 11:42pm that everything was packed. They had one bed still put together, and bags with essential toiletries and clothes for tomorrow, but everything else had been packed up. Liam and James truly knew what they were doing, and had a system for everything, and Phil hadn't even really realized until this moment that this was really happening. 

They said goodbye to the two men, agreeing that they'd be back at 10am the next day to move, and Phil fell asleep in Dan's arms. 

When they awoke, they barely had time to pull on clothing, brush their teeth, and feed Anna before Liam and James were knocking at their door. James stepped inside first, wheeling a small lift to be able to take some of the heavier boxes or pieces of furniture down the stairs, though they were getting rid of most of their furniture as apparently Dan had gotten this new place furnished already. 

"You guys ready to get outta this place?" He asked, and Phil nodded. He was so excited to see the new house, he hadn't even looked at pictures yet. He wanted the surprise, and he knew that Dan was such a perfectionist that he had nothing to worry about. If Dan had chosen this house, it'd be amazing. The afternoon was spent lugging things up and down the many flights of stairs, and by the end they were all sweating, but Dan and Phil were wheezing, entirely unused to this amount of exercise. 

"You boys take a rest, we've got it from here, and we'll text you when we've got to the new house and you can catch a cab over, okay?" Phil nodded, unable to make much sound through his panting. They all made their way back up to the empty flat, and Liam and James made about three more trips up and down the stairs to bring the last few things, until Dan and Phil were left alone, sitting on the floor with Anna, catching their breaths and waiting for a text. 

"We're really doing this." Phil marveled, and Dan smiled. 

"Hey, I hate to leave you alone, but I'm starved and I figured I could run to the store and get us some snacks, maybe even pick up something easy for dinner. I also want to get some kind of a thank you gift for Liam and James." Phil nodded.

"You want me to come with?" He asked.

"No, no don't worry about it. Stay here with Anna, enjoy the last few minutes in this flat. I'll see you soon. Dan leaned down to peck Phil on the forehead and rubbed Anna's arm, and then Phil was left alone in the flat with Anna. It felt empty and echoey, and Phil felt strange that he wasn't all that sad to be leaving. He and Dan had been through so much in this apartment, and while part of him felt like he should be sad, it didn't feel like an ending, it felt like a beginning. He smiled and hugged his daughter, waiting. 

About forty minutes later, Phil received the group text that said they could come over and the address, and got a reply almost immediately from Dan saying he was still out and it may be a bit but he'd head over soon and for Phil and Anna to catch their own cab to the house. They did, and soon Phil was walking with his daughter into his new home, past the huge moving van in the driveway. 

It was sweet looking from the outside, surrounded by trees and greenery, a small garden with a Japanese Maple Leaf tree in the front, it's purple leaves shining in the near-summer sun. Phil made his way along the little path that led to the front door, and opened it to see that this house was much bigger on the inside than it looked from outside. When you walked in, there was a large living room with a large couch, a plush chair, and a coffee table across from a fireplace and a flatscreen mounted on the wall. It looked incredibly cozy, and there were large windows to let in tons of natural light which Phil _loved,_ but he saw that there were also thick bamboo blinds that would block out that light for when they were filming.

When you walked further into the house, there was a small bedroom to your right. He peeked in and saw a turquoise room with a small bed, some bookshelves, a trunk for toys, and a small dresser. He smiled, in awe of how Dan got all this done especially without him knowing. "This is for you." he whispered to Anna as they looked into the room, and she made a squeak of joy. "At least I hope it is... I hope this isn't me and daddy's room." he continued, laughing. He made his way through the rest of the house, a very nice bathroom right next to Anna's room, a spacious kitchen and a sweet dining room, and he made his way back further to find the master bedroom.

He smiled. Of course now that he and Dan were out to everyone, they didn't need separate rooms. He liked the fact that they'd officially be sharing a room now, and marveled at the it, wide open with large windows, an ensuite bathroom with a gigantic tub that looked as if it had jets, and marble countertops. It was perfect. Phil smiled as he made his way to the rest of the house, finding a small mudroom with a washer and drier that led out to their backyard. They had a backyard. It had a fence around it, which would be good for the puppy that Phil remembered was coming soon. It was wide open and he smiled when he saw a small bench and a fountain. How could Dan have picked a more perfect house?

Not only was the inside of the house perfect, somehow Dan had found a place that was in London, probably only a few minute's walk away from the city, but it was quiet and felt like a sweet little neighborhood, tucked away from everything. He wanted Dan to be there now so he could kiss him, but he appreciated that Dan was out getting them food and getting a gift for the movers who had been so helpful. 

Eventually Phil began working with Liam and James again, and started setting up the basics. He began putting together lights and cameras where he thought they may end up filming, as Liam and James got to work on some of the heavier pieces, and then slowly began to move towards more straightforward tasks that they wouldn't have to ask Phil about, such as putting cups and silverware away in cupboards and drawers. 

About an hour and a half passed, and Phil was just starting to worry about Dan, when he walked through the door. Phil smiled and ran up to hug Dan, unencumbered by Anna who they'd put in her crib about an hour ago when his arms had gotten tired of holding her and the crib had been taken out of the van. 

"I love you so fucking much, Dan. This place... it's perfect." Dan just smiled, and Phil looked up, surprised to see Dan's eyes slightly watery. 

"Love you too, Philly. Welcome home." Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, and he knew Dan was right. They were home. 

 

A week passed of unpacking, explaining the move to their viewers and apologizing that it was all so sudden, and settling into their new home. At the end of the week, Dan was nearly bouncing up and down. 

"Philly, tonight we get to bring home our puppy!" Phil smiled and hugged Dan. They'd always wanted a puppy, and he thought it'd be nice for Anna to have a companion. Phil shivered a bit with Dan hugging him, realizing just how much they'd been focused on logistics this past week. 

"Dan... do you want to go on a date?" Phil asked, and Dan looked at him in surprise. 

"Of course I do! Should we call Louise to take Anna for the day? We can pick her up when we go to get the dog tonight." Dan suggested quickly, and Phil nodded. He pulled out his phone to call Louise.

"Hey, Lou. Are you doing anything today?"

"Well I mean... not really? I mean yeah, of course but... wait what?" Phil frowned, confused by her answer.

"Dan and I were just thinking of going on a date and were wondering if you could take Anna for the day?" He decided to just explain his question, because he really didn't understand what she had meant.

"I mean yeah, of course, I'll be there in just a minute I'm already..." Dan snatched the phone away from a very confused Phil, thanked Louise, and hung up. She showed up only seconds later with a bag that she handed to Dan, and soon they were waving goodbye to their daughter and their friend, and Phil had no idea what had just happened.

"Alright, come with me, Philly." Dan said as he grabbed Phil's hand and began to lead him out of the house.

"Hey, I thought I was the one who asked you out, doesn't that mean I set up the date?" Phil asked indignantly.

"No... you just beat me to it. Honestly, I already had talked to Louise about taking Anna today. I kind of have the whole day set up actually." Phil nodded, understanding Louise now. 

"Sneaky bastard." Phil mumbled lovingly, allowing himself to be dragged into a cab. "What's in the bag?" 

"Nothing." Dan brushed him off, and leaned up to whisper their destination to the driver who nodded and pulled out onto the road. 

"Alright, Philly, this is a surprise so I'm sorry but..." Dan pulled a long piece of fabric and tied it around Phil's eyes, blindfolding him. Phil raised his eyebrows under the cloth, remembering what had happened the last time Dan had done this to him. Apparently Dan remembered as well, because he leaned in and Phil felt hot breath on his ear as Dan whispered, "Get your mind out of the gutter, Lester, there's plenty of time for that later." Phil shoved him playfully, and then leaned his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. 

"Does it feel weird calling me your boyfriend?" Phil asked before he realized that it probably wasn't the best idea. He began worrying immediately about what to say when Dan asked why, and how to not give away his plans to propose once he thought of the right way, but his mind was put at ease when Dan just let out a light laugh.

"You have no idea, Philly." Dan simply said, stroking the older man's hair. 

They drove for what Phil estimated to be about an hour, and at this point he had no idea where they could be going. He felt them come to a stop and heard Dan pay the driver, and then Dan was leading him by the hand out of the cab. They walked for a bit over uneven ground, and then finally Dan made his way behind Phil, pressing their bodies together as he undid Phil's blindfold, taking away the fabric to reveal the lake. _Their_ lake. 

Phil grinned hugely and turned around to face Dan, pulling him in for a kiss. It was warm unlike the last time they had been here, and he felt the sun hitting him and Dan's lips were warm against his own, and he just wanted to stay there forever. They continued this kiss, light but sweet for a while, until some whim must have struck Dan because he pulled back with a mischievous glint in his eye and tackled Phil down onto the sand, rolling so he was on top of Phil, kissing him into the soft warm sand.  

After a few minutes, Dan pulled back laughing, and picked up the bag he had dropped when he had tackled Phil. It was a large bag, and Phil was still very curious. Dan pulled out a blanket and walked to the grass lining the beach, placing it over the bright green floor. He gestured for Phil to come over, so he did, sitting down on the blanket as Dan pulled out two egg salad sandwiches, handing one to Phil. He also pulled out a large bottle of rosé wine and some plastic glasses. Phil smiled as they began eating and drinking. They each only had a glass, enough to taste the delicious wine and feel slightly bubbly, but not nearly enough to actually get either of them drunk.

They spent hours there, until the sun was almost setting and they began working on another glass of wine each. When they finished, Dan took Phil's hand and led him down to the water, stopping only a few feet away from where the water lapped up onto the sand. It was incredible. The sunset was reflecting off of the water, and everything was tinted orange and peach colors. Phil looked at Dan, and knew he would never see anything more beautiful. The way the light was hitting Dan's face, casting shadows across it mysteriously, but also keeping it warm with the colors of the sunset, Phil fell in love with Dan all over again.

"Phil..." Dan began, but Phil stopped whatever he was about to say with a short but loving kiss. Dan pulled back after a moment, and Phil noticed that Dan looked nervous. He was sweating a bit, and his fingers were pulling at his sleeves, something Dan always did when he was nervous. 

"Phil..." Dan took a deep breath, and then looked Phil straight in the eye.

"What you said before. About calling you my boyfriend. Yes, it is weird. It feels wrong, because I want you to be so much more. I love you, Philly, and I know that I will never stop loving you as long as I live. I want to spend every second of every day with you, and god I hope you feel the same way, because..." and then Dan was lowering down onto one knee, and Phil felt as if he was underwater. This had only really happened to him once before, and it had been such a different situation with Alice. That had been a feeling of fear, but this... this was everything. 

Everything slowed down, and sounds became muffled, and Phil felt as if he had tunnel vision for Dan, unable to look away, and god had he been wrong a moment ago when he had thought that the way Dan had looked then was the most beautiful thing he'd ever see, because now Dan was on one knee in front of him, and he was pulling out a small box from his pocket, and Phil knew that he had wanted to do this himself, but now that Dan was doing it it just felt so right and he was so happy, and he was starting to cry...

"Phillip Michael Lester. Will you marry me?" Phil heard a small choked sound come out of his throat, and knew he wouldn't be able to speak his confirmation, so he nodded vigorously to get his point across to Dan, pulling him back up to his feet to kiss Phil, and now they were both crying, and the kiss wasn't even really a kiss because they were both smiling and sobbing and laughing and hugging, and now their foreheads were pressed together and their arms were wrapped around each other, and they stayed that way until their sobs subsided and then Dan did pull Phil's chin up to meet their eyes, and Phil was entranced by Dan's warm brown irises.

"I love you so much, Philly. I always have and I always will." Phil smiled and leaned forward to kiss Dan, speaking for the first time in minutes, agreeing with Dan.

"Always." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment any thoughts/requests/anything below, I love talking to you guys and it's what inspires me to keep going. I'll respond to all comments! <3 :) Thank you for reading


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

***7 months later*** 

 

"No... Lou, it's not right. Can't you see, the right side is a little longer?"

"It looks fine, dork. Stop stressing out, I need to go check on Dan. You look lovely, I'm sure he looks lovely, and it doesn't even matter. You could be covered in horse shit and I know he'd still want to marry you." Louise responded, patting Phil on the shoulder. He sighed and nodded in defeat, accepting that his bowtie probably wasn't actually uneven and it was most likely just all his imagination.

"The girls are dressed?" 

"Yeah, just wait till you see Anna." She smiled, stepping forward to tug just the slightest bit on Phil's turquoise bowtie, and when he looked back in the mirror it was perfectly even. "There. I'm going to go check on your groom, good luck out there." He took in a shaky breath and nodded again, nerves running through him.

Twenty minutes. In twenty minutes he would be marrying the love of his life. 

The time passed painfully slowly, and he was wiping away sweat about every ten seconds. Finally, he made his way to the altar, smiling at his friends and family as he took his position to wait for Dan. The ceremony started, and Phil felt a choked sound escape his mouth as he saw the two girls began walking down the isle. Fuck, if he was already crying, this ceremony was going to be a mess. Not like he had expected anything different. Anna and Louise's daughter, Darcy, walked down the isle in frilly dresses, black on the torso with turquoise skirts that perfectly matched the colour of his tie. Anna giggled as she wobbled a bit on her feet, throwing fistfuls of petals down the isle from the basket in her hand, and then coming up to stand right next to Phil, holding onto his leg. 

Louise, PJ, Chris, and several of Dan and Phil's other friends made their way down the isle, and stood along the sides lining the arch at the altar, acting as groomsmen and women. Phil grinned as he scanned over the audience, and then he saw something that caught his attention. In the back, hiding a bit behind a pillar as if she wasn't sure she should be there, stood Michelle. Phil's jaw fell slightly slack, as he watched her give him a nervous apologetic smile and a little wave. He recovered after a moment, and realized how clear her eyes looked. How she was put together and dressed nicely and looked much more like the old Michelle he had known years ago. He smiled and gestured for her to come in and she did, taking a seat.

Phil leaned down to Anna at his leg, and pointed at Michelle. "You're going to get to meet your mommy soon. I don't know how it'll go... but you're going to get to meet your mum." The knowledge that Anna was actually going to possibly get to know her mom sent Phil all the way over the edge and tears were falling, and from his crouched position next to Anna he waved to Michelle and Anna followed suit, shaking her hand wildly, with a dimpley grin showing. Phil watched as Michelle's face spread into a huge grin and tears were falling down her face too, and she was waving back. They shared a look, and then Phil stood back up, just in time to see the top of Dan's curly hair come into view.

Dan turned the corner around the hedge before the isle, and began making his way towards Phil, stepping on pedals as he went. Phil didn't think he'd ever smiled this hugely. It was strange, he felt like this should be a bigger moment, but it just felt right. It didn't feel hugely life changing, because he already felt as if he were married to Dan, this was just catching up with the paperwork. Still, he felt tingles run through him at the sight of his groom, striking in a black suit and bowtie, grinning from ear to ear, dimples on full display. Once Dan was halfway down the isle, Phil saw him turn to his father on his arm and whisper what Phil later realized must have been a short apology before letting go of his arm and racing up the rest of the isle to pull Phil into a long kiss.

After they pulled apart, Dan turned, blushing to their 'audience', apologizing "Sorry guys, I know that's not how you're supposed to do it, but I'm an impatient guy and just.... look at him." Dan gestured towards Phil, and he felt a blush take over his face. The ceremony passed as a blur, and soon they were to their vows.

Phil pulled out a piece of paper, took a deep shaky breath, and began reading.

"Daniel James Howell, from the moment I laid eyes on you... well... we'd already been talking for months so I guess it wasn't that big of a deal actually." He paused for the appropriate laughter from their family and friends before continuing. "I don't know how, but you worked your way into my heart until it felt too heavy to carry myself so I had to give it to you, and I hope that you'll keep it for me. For safekeeping. I love you with all of my heart and I know that I always will. Honestly, I don't really know what to say here that I don't say to you every day, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I promise... I vow... to keep reminding you of how much I love you each and every day." Dan smiled and reached out to squeeze Phil's hand, and Phil breathed out a sigh of relief that the part he had been most nervous for was over. Now it was Dan's turn, and he didn't have a notecard.

"Philly... What is there that I can say? You have become me. You have changed me so much, all for the better, that a piece of you has made its way into me, and I'll never be the same." Phil waited for Dan to make some sort of joke about that innuendo, but he didn't. "I love you, Phillip, but the word love doesn't even seem to be enough. I loved you the moment I met you, but it grew to be more. When we first started talking, I loved the idea of you. I loved the times I got to spend with you, and felt sad when we weren't talking. But our love now... Our love now is different. Because you have become such a part of me, that I have you with me even when we're not together. You make me happy always, Phil. I no longer get as sad when we're apart, because your light shines through my entire life, not just bits and pieces. You radiate such a strong love and compassion that it breaks through every single one of my walls. I don't think I realized that soon enough, but I'm sure glad I did. I still remember the moment I knew I loved you." Phil drew in a sharp breath through his sobs. This was the question. This was the question he had always wanted to know the answer to, but always forgot or was too embarrassed to ask. Finally, he would get to know.

"I knew I loved you the moment you laid eyes on our daughter. When she looked up at you in the hospital, something changed in you right then, and my heart felt as if it had just fallen out on the floor. And I can't believe how distracted I let myself get with my fear of loving you that I didn't even stop to think about Anna, and if it weren't for your bravery..." Dan had held himself together so far, but now his voice started to break with sobs, "I don't know where we'd be now, or where Anna would be. You're the reason I am now living the best life imaginable, and I could never thank you enough, Phil." Dan's voice was high, choking out the words through his tightening throat, trying to hold the tears back for the remainder of his speech. "I vow to always stick by your side, through thick and thin, and I vow to do my absolute best to add light to every piece of your life, whether I'm there or not." Dan smiled at Phil, which Phil could barely see through his tears.

"Do you, Phillip Lester...." the minister began.

"I do." Phil choked out.

"And do you..."

"You'd fucking better believe I do." Dan laughed through his tears.

"Then you may kiss your husband." Phil pulled Dan into a kiss faster than he ever had before, and he felt as if he was floating. 

He was floating on the cheers from their loved ones.

He was floating on the love he and Dan shared.

And he was floating on the small squeaky giggles and claps coming from his ankles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for sticking with this fic <3 <3 <3 Every single comment has brightened my day, and it means so much to me that you all take the time to read this <3 I know there's more that could be done with this fic, so if a sequel is highly requested I may make one, but for now this is it, guys. Love you all, and I promise I'll keep writing more fics, this is just the end for this one <3


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